He boarded an airplane to Europe this afternoon for work. He’ll be there until Friday, the 19th. No international roaming on his phone so I won’t hear from him. Further distance than even the last several weeks.
He called me yesterday while running errands in town, preparing for the trip. We even passed on the road and he didn’t suggest meeting somewhere for a quick face-to-face. He called again today on his way to the airport. I decided it was time to be honest with him about how I’m feeling.
I told him I’d gone out with a friend Friday night for dinner, drinks, and a movie. I told him I went out with another guy yesterday for bowling and a movie. He knows about the guy from Friday, but hadn’t been aware of the one from yesterday. I did confess the guy from yesterday is definitely not relationship material, but we are friends and do enjoy getting together every once in a while to hang out.
I told him my long time friend from down south wanted to see me again. He’d thought I was finished with him and I admitted to making the decision to remain his friend. The guy had disappointed me and I’d shared that with him so he felt comfortable thinking I was no longer interested.
He also knows this particular guy is one I’ve always wanted to have a relationship with. He’s single, gorgeous, intelligent, has a career in the same field as I. The problem is he’s “damaged” from previous failed marriages and relationships. He’s worried he’ll hurt me so works hard at keeping his emotional distance.
The last time we were together, he told me he loves me. He caught me off guard and I didn’t say anything in response. Honestly, I wasn’t really sure I’d heard him. But he repeated it.
I invited him to visit my place – I’ve always traveled to him. He’s most comfortable in his own space, but keeps promising he’ll come here. He was scheduled to come here, the planning he insisted needed to happen, but got “sick” and cancelled.
I expected it. Wasn’t surprised, although I was hurt. I said I was finished. I told him about what happened. He felt confident I was finished. His competition was eliminated.
When I told him on the phone today about our still being friends and his wanting to see me again, I shocked him. He questioned me. I explained the length of our friendship, him being the only man I ever really wanted more with and from, my understanding and acceptance of his fears and past injuries trumped my hurt. How if he truly loves me and eventually asks for more, I’ll jump at the chance.
I told him I want a relationship. I told him he’s married, very married, will always be married. I want someone free, able and willing to accept me, love me, give them self to me. What he and I have had has been good while it had it’s run, but it’s ran it’s course and I no longer feel for him what I did.
I told him he should find someone else to meet his needs. I explained that in 2 months when his wife goes back to work, I’ll have hopefully met someone and will no longer be available to him.
He said he doesn’t want anyone else. He’ll find a “silicone wife” to meet his needs. He hopes he still has me. He understands what I want and need, but doesn’t want to accept it.
It felt good to open up and explain to him where I’m at, how I’m feeling, what I’ve been thinking.
We’ll not have any communication for the next week. It’ll give him time to think, to ruminate on what I said. It’ll be interesting to see how he is when he gets back. Much can happen in a week. Much can change. Much has changed!