Life goes on

We continue to see each other two days a week, when she’s traveling for work.  I’ve tried dating.  A very difficult task at 50.  One I’m not inclined to continue.

I’ve mellowed in my desire for a life with him.  I’ve become settled with the fact he will remain married.  He’s chosen his comfortable life with her over happiness with me.  He’s chosen 2 days of brief bits of pleasure over spontaneity and pure joy.

More importantly, he’s chosen to chance losing me as his lover, his mistress, his friend.





I wrote in my last blog one of two things could happen.  The one I hoped wouldn’t, has. His mom’s passing has made him complacent.  He’s content with allowing his marriage to stabilize.  He says he wouldn’t survive the turmoil of a divorce.  He needs things to remain the same.

That means I have no place in his life.  Or I shouldn’t.

He wants me to be there, waiting, when he has time and need.  But there’s no chance of us being more than lovers.  He’s not interested in changing anything.  She is to remain his wife, I’m to remain his mistress.

He says he needs me.  He said he truly believes I am his soul mate, the one he’s longed for his whole life.  He loves and cherishes me, but I will never be more because of his circumstances.

Well, he doesn’t say never.  He says for now.  I say never because I know unless she leaves of her own accord or blows up about the time he’s spending with his dad, he’ll never force her out or divorce her.

I told him he needs to release me to date other men.  I need to have a companion I can share my life with, just as he has his wife, regardless of the dysfunction of their marriage.  Which I really don’t know if what he’s said is entirely true or what he wants me to believe.

Either way, I’m going to start dating.  I want to find someone who wants me as much as I want him.  I want to be able to shift my desire for him to another.  I want to live and love and make a life for myself.

He’s the man I want and have wanted, but he’s not available.  I’ll not wait for him to change his status.  I don’t think it will ever happen.  And I can’t put my life on hold for “what if’s” no matter how much I love him.



Happiness ends in unexpected pain

I’m on vacation.  He’s on vacation.  No, we’re not together.  I’m traveling with my youngest son to my middle son’s.  He’s traveling with his wife to his hometown.  We both left our respective homes on Saturday to begin our journeys.

I picked up my son from his off-campus house when he got off work and we drove straight to South Florida.  We arrived at my middle son’s home a little after 11:00pm that night.

He drove bits and pieces, stopping for site-seeing and bike rides not arriving in Ohio until yesterday early evening.

We messaged back and forth every day, most of the day.  He sent me pictures and details of his adventures and I did the same.  His were things he was finding on his rides and mine were of my days at the beach.

A little after 9:00 pm last night, after exchanging funny little messages, I received a very upsetting message.  His mom died suddenly.  He was going to bed to leave early this morning to drive back home.  No warning, no illness.  She was alive and then she was gone.

She was his biggest champion, his biggest supporter.  She longed for him to be happy and feared for him in his marriage.  She was the recipient of many of his wife’s hateful tirades and she refused to come to his home when she was there.

He’d said many times how he knew his mom would love me, how he wanted me to meet her and his dad, but he was afraid to allow that to happen until his wife left or he left her.  He didn’t want them put in a position of not being able to defend him in court should his wife battle the divorce.

Now I’ll never have that opportunity!  He’s missed so many chances to spend time with her because of his wife and will no longer have the chance.

I’ve only heard from him, briefly, twice today.  First thing early this morning and once when they stopped to stretch their legs.  I know he’s rushing to get home and to his dad’s. I feel so bad for him!  I know his heart is breaking and mine is breaking for him and the great loss he’s experienced.

My mom was my very best friend and she passed away 4 years ago the 12th of this same month.  No matter how many years have passed, I will always miss her and feel the pain on every anniversary of her death as well as her birthday which was the 21st of this month.

Now he and I will share this month of painful memories.

I want to be able to wrap him in my arms, hold him and provide what little comfort I can.  But I’m the mistress.  I’m the one no one but him can know about.  And right now he’s surrounded by his real family.

I fear losing his mom will cause the fight to go out of him and he’ll decide to become more complacent about his wife and what’s wrong in their marriage.  He may even decide having the affair with me is no longer a risk he’s willing to take.

Or this may be the catalyst it takes to make him decide life is too short and unpredictable to live in a marriage less than he wants and deserves and he’ll decide to end it regardless of the financial cost.

Either way, I’m scared.  I’m afraid of losing him.  I’m upset because I can’t comfort him and be near him.  I’m sad because I’ll never get the chance to thank his mom for the amazing son she raised.  I’ll never get to show her, assure her, prove to her how important he is to me and how much I love him.


Sick of the Roller Coaster

I don’t know why I continue this relationship.  He’s obviously never going to end his marriage.  It’s more than money, I can’t help but believe.  He’s lying to me.  If things were so horribly wrong, there’s no way he would stay.

They watch movies at home together every weekend – he claims it’s “safe”, him on one couch, her on the other.  He attends family things with her – this past weekend they went to her father’s house to celebrate “birthdays, anniversaries, and Father’s Day” – their anniversary!  And then his older daughter’s family and they had a picnic at the lake. They attend events together – tonight at the local county race track with their Jeep Club. They’re going on vacation together – back to his hometown in Ohio to visit friends and family – she didn’t grown up there.

I was planning to go out tonight.  Looking for a date.  He asked what my plans were and I told him.  He got mad!  So I cancelled.  And then I find out he’s out with her.  I’m SO STUPID!

I’m blogging in hopes of preventing myself from having a knee-jerk reaction and sending him a heated message telling him we’re finished.

I use this to vent!  And vent is what I need to do right now!

He wants me to be exclusively his.  He wants me to “focus on my new job, getting my certification exam scheduled and taken, going back to school”.  He wants all of those things to fill my time.  Oh, and save time for him.  He wants to be my “man time” – no kidding, his words!

Arrogant ass!  It would crush him to know he’s not the best sex I’ve ever had.  I lie and tell him he is because of his ego.  He wants to be the man who pleases me better than any other so I tell him what he wants to hear.  He must need to hear it.  Couple that with the fact I fake orgasm!  He’d be devastated!

Who am I and how have I become this person?

The Chance to Celebrate his Life

Today is his birthday!  He turned 54.  I got to wake up next to him and be the first person to wish him happy birthday.

We spent Monday and Tuesday evenings together.  Our official celebration of his birthday was yesterday.  I took him to dinner, made dessert to have at my place after, and had his gift and cards waiting for him to open – I say cards because I found 2 I liked and couldn’t decide which so bought both.

He told me then and he told me again this morning I made his birthday the most special he’d ever had.  I don’t know for sure if that’s true, but I’ll believe him and be happy for us!

We’ve been together now 9 months.  It’s been a roller coaster of ups and downs.  When we first met, he was of the mind his marriage would end by the end of the year.  That didn’t happen.

He’s in an impossible situation.  Financially, she contributes nothing, but because they’re married she gets half of his assets which is a considerable amount.  And the reason the marriage is broken is because she’s violent and volatile.  She doesn’t want to be married, but she wants to get her “share”.

If he offered her a settlement to leave, she would, if the dollar amount was right.  He’s hoping she’ll leave of her own accord and for far less.

I’m waiting.  Hoping.



Learning to Find Satisfaction in Uncertainty

I knew we weren’t going to see each other this week.  He’d told me she was not working and he wouldn’t be able to get away.  I also knew he might be going to Canada for business.  He did.  He left yesterday afternoon.

He messaged in the morning and said he wasn’t sure about service internationally.  I hadn’t thought about the possibility.  I’d actually hoped we’d be able to chat in the evenings when he returned to his hotel room.

He contacted me on his way to the airport to inform me they’d provided him with a special code to use on his phone and computer for business purposes.  He’d try to message me when he was able in between meetings and work.

Although I had been prepared to have him go “dark” for the 3 days he’s gone, he’s been able to message some.  I was happy to hear from him.  I miss holding him in my arms, but it’s almost easier his being out of the country while she’s home and he wasn’t able to spend our normal days together.  At least he’s not at home with her.

There’s a possibility he’ll be able to come by and see me on his way back from the airport tomorrow.  I’m not sure when his flight gets in, but when I suggested the possibility, he said it was a very good idea.

His birthday is next Wednesday.  His parents have decided to not come up for dinner while she’s away for work.  They’ve decided to celebrate his birthday and Father’s Day on Sunday.  This means I’ll get him both nights, hopefully earlier rather than later. Work needs to cooperate and allow him to have my evenings free!  We have catching up to do!

Regardless of the interruptions, the uncertainties, the changes, I want him in my life.  I want to wait for our future.  I don’t know when that’s going to begin, when it will move forward without her, but I want to wait.  I want to remain satisfied with the bits and pieces we have together.

I don’t like hoping for their end, but I do.  I want her to leave, to decide life with him is no longer beneficial.  I want the money to not be her driving force.  I want her to decide the shallow, unfulfilling existence they live is no longer part of what she wants in her future. I want her to meet someone who has more money, more financial gain, who takes her away.

I want him, not his money.  I could care less if he still had it.  If it were all gone, if he had to give her half, it wouldn’t matter to me.  I want happiness, love, a life with him.  I want our future to begin.  I want to spend the rest of my days making him happy, loving him, spending time with him, enjoying our days, our nights, our forever.

I want to spend every second making love to the man I’ve grown to love more than anyone I’ve met before.  I want his body pressed against mine, every night.  I want to wake up looking into his sleeping face.  I want to kiss his relaxed lips.  I want to feel him stir beside me and make love again to start our day.





The highs and lows and everything in between

We were together Tuesday and Wednesday of this week.  The holiday changed her work schedule, which in turn changed our schedule.  With the shortened work week, he lost a day of business and was busier both days so arrived late.

I made dinner both nights. The first meal was a little more time-sensitive, and harder to negotiate with uncertain arrival.  The second night I planned for a meal I was able to be less concerned with.  I could quickly finish as soon as he arrived.

I enjoy cooking and I really enjoy cooking for him because he appreciates my effort and loves to eat.

When he left this morning, I sent him home with leftovers he said he never gets at home, unless he cooks himself, which he rarely does.  When they’re together, they eat simple meals – sandwiches or soup – or they go out to eat at a local place for something equally simple and mundane.

This will be a short month for us.  We won’t see each other next week.  She is off to do volunteer opportunities and he has to fly to Canada for business.  They have a new client needing face-to-face attention for reassurance.  He hadn’t planned to travel and doesn’t particularly want to go because it will be a quick there and back trip, but his presence has been requested by the client.

His birthday is the 14th.  I won’t get to see him on his actual birthday, she’ll be home, but I’m supposed to see him the 2 days before based on the schedule he’s provided me for the month.  One of my scheduled days his parents may come up to take him out for dinner since she’ll be gone.  They won’t come to his home when she’s around.  She’s treated them horribly and they refuse to be there when she is.

The last week of the month he’s gone again.  He’s going home, where he grew up, to visit extended family and friends.  I’m hoping to travel south to visit my son and his wife to see their new home while he’s gone.  It won’t be as difficult for me to not see him since I’ll be away as well.  I planned it that way on purpose.

I’m finding our current “state”, our relationship, to be uncomfortable.  He’d never rejected her completely in the past.  He’d never ignored her birthday, never walked out during an argument and not returned until the following day, never told her he was finished.  He’s shaken her up and she realizes he’s serious.  I’m sure she’s come to the realization of all she’ll lose.  Therefore, she’s being cooperative, complacent, less confrontational.  They’ve settled into routine.

This routine worries me.  He’s certain the marriage will end.  He’s certain it’s the eye of the storm, the calm before the eruption.  I can’t help believe she’s planning to do everything to control her reactions, her outbursts, her anger in order to maintain this routine.

As long as the routine stays calm, doesn’t become volatile, she’ll remain, he’ll tolerate her presence, and I’ll still be his mistress.  Nothing more.  I’ll get his bits and pieces, his nights when she’s working.  Until she takes 4 months leave and then I’ll be lucky to get a single evening, let alone an overnight.

I want her to explode.  I want her to be who she really is and has been.  I want her to let her guard down.  I want him to be able to force her departure.  I want the end he’s been talking about since we first met over 8 months ago.





Normal, in an abnormal situation

Long holiday weekend.  I’ve had something scheduled every day.  I hiked Friday during the day and went out that night with a friend.  Yesterday I hiked all day with a group I’ve joined and went out for a late lunch following.  Today I was busy from 10 until 7. Tomorrow I have plans as well.

He got finished with work early Friday.  His wife was home all weekend and will be tomorrow as well.  Her schedule changed because of the holiday.  She’ll work Tuesday thru Thursday this week.

They had “couples” things they needed to attend – things expected of them outside of his control and within what he’s trying to do to keep the peace.  Not exactly perfect as far as I’m concerned, but nothing I can do about it.

He has kept in touch, closely.  He wasn’t thrilled about my Friday evening, said it worries him when I’m out with friends, knowing there’s a chance I might meet someone, decide I no longer want what we have.

The original plans he had, or told me about for the weekend, changed.  He’d told me his plans were to keep them “occupied” with others so they wouldn’t need to be alone all weekend.  He wanted, needed, the distraction from having to deal one-on-one with her. As it ended up, he worked in the yard, in his shop, and at his RV lot doing repairs on the deck and keeping busy.

He will be with me Tuesday and Wednesday evenings this week after work.  We haven’t talked about whether or not we’ll share dinner.  Hopefully yes.  I enjoy cooking for him. And I get to be creative with dessert as well.  He likes to eat so it’s fun to watch him enjoy what I make.

I am pleased with myself for not being upset about his weekend with her.  I’m trying to be as understanding as I can, accepting of his circumstance.  Ideally I wish she’d decide to leave.  Or he’d decide his money isn’t worth staying with her in a miserable marriage. Either way, I want to be with him as much and as often as I can and he’s available.

We don’t have a traditional relationship.  We’re not conventional and aren’t able to have a normal, out in the open date.  We have to sneak around, watch for people he might know, or people who might know them.  We can’t go to places in our “in common” parts of town.

I want things to be different, but I also want to be happy in my current circumstances.  I want to be everything to him and for him we both need.  He makes me happy.  He tells me I make him the happiest he’s ever been.  We are both fulfilling something we’ve lacked and desire.

For as long as I can, and am still willing, and for as long as we’re forced to remain in this holding pattern, I will be what he needs and wants from me in this abnormal life we’re living.



Patiently waiting

He got back home last Saturday afternoon.  I heard little.  He had much to get done both around the house and for work.  The convention was productive and informative, but placed an added burden on him.  He still had a week’s worth of work to do and was given additional responsibility in line with a promotion he’s working hard to obtain.

Sunday was the same.  Very little communication.

By Monday I was a little more than a bit annoyed.  The lack of effort during the week to take 5 minutes of his time to call before going to bed and the absent communication after he returned home and had opportunity was starting to cause me to wonder about his interest and position with regard to our relationship.

I sent a good morning message and asked if he and his wife had made peace.  I was concerned they might have been dealing with “world war 3” issues and wondered if he was safe.  Additionally, given his meeting with the attorney the previous Monday, I worried he’d decided to rekindle his relationship with her to avoid losing 50%.  Especially since he seemed to be distancing himself from me.

My message was not taken well.  Rather than understanding I was concerned about him, as well as us, he felt I was pushing a “time line” and forcing him to choose me over his money.  A lot of implication and definitely not the reason I asked.  The rest of the day, communication was strained, but minimally salvaged.

He came over late, no dinner.  He was distant.  It was uncomfortable.

The short version, he was distracted all week at the convention by me.  He couldn’t think clearly and concentrate on what he should have been because he was concerned about us.  He felt he was hurting me by not divorcing his wife immediately and potentially losing me as a result.

I told him all I’d been concentrating on all week was his making new contacts and progress with existing clients along with furthering his career with his company by proving his worth to them.  I was sending him well wishes and positive thoughts while he was troubled and unable to relax thinking I was home and upset.

In the end, if he’d simply placed a call, spoken with me about what was on his mind, brought up what was bothering him in a message, we could have discussed it and I could have put his mind and heart at ease so he could have enjoyed the rest of his convention.

I told him regardless of his continued marital status, his decision to allow it to end on it’s own, in it’s own time, I was willing to wait.  He is worth it to me.  I still want him in any capacity, in every way I have had, without interruption.

Rather than losing him, which I assumed was going to happen, we were able to put his fears and mine to rest.

Tuesday was a much better day messaging back and forth the same as always, with easy and normal banter. Tuesday night was terrific.  I made dinner, we chatted, listened to music in bed, shared favorite artists and songs from our past, then made love.  We fell asleep cuddling, wrapped in each other’s arms, and woke to make love again before he showered and left for home to work.

Today was even better.  It feels great being reconnected.  Our messaging was fun, relaxing, and has given me a renewed commitment to our affair.  He went out after work to run errands and called me.  He wanted to hear my voice which made me smile!




Explaining what appears to be an unattainable love

My heart, my soul, my love is away at a convention this week.  It’s an important event for his company as well as an important opportunity for him to achieve great success and promotion as a result.  His time will be pressed from dawn until dark and he will be stressed physically each day.

I had brief messages from him yesterday, all day long, as he drove to the convention.  He kept me apprised of his whereabouts, his journey, his safety.  He was driving, traveling with another co-worker.  His limited ability to communicate did not prevent him from messaging, from keeping in touch, being connected with me.

Today the convention is underway.  Aside from his expected duties, the day started bright and early for my love with an added meeting he had not planned for, a fire to be extinguished, before he could begin the matter at hand.

I started his day with a message, a good morning wish, as I always do.  I want to be his rock, his foundation, his comfort, his constant.  I want to support him as only I can from where I am and in the position I hold in his life.  I want to be his sunshine, his brightness, his laughter, his release.

All those things he’s missed out on, longed for, dreamed of, desired.  He’s found them in me and he’s made note of it many times over.  Commented on my optimism, my spirit of joy, my longing for happiness even in difficult situations.  He relishes in my positive attitude, my caring, my nurturing.

I am only me, with him, for him.  I don’t pretend to be anything other than who I am.  I won’t pretend to be someone I’m not in order to win him, it wouldn’t serve to keep him if I were to falsely act now differently than I will in the future.  I want him to want to be with me of his own accord, his own knowledge, his own decision.

Right now, I get the best of him.  He trusts me with his deepest thoughts, his most private feelings.  He shares his dreams, his sorrows, his joys.  I hear of his unrest, his unsettled heart, his discomfort in his marriage.  He comes to me when he’s most in fear of her violence and destructive nature.

I have become his safe place, physically, emotionally, sexually.  I will remain so for as long as he has need.  And when the need passes, I  will become his home.  My heart will be given over to him and I will accept his heart in return, more deeply and fully than we already have.

He is worth everything to me.  His heart is tender, loving, kind.  He is no more and no less a victim of his circumstances than I am, yet we find ourselves at different stages of conclusion.

I will not turn my back on him.  He is my best friend, first and foremost.  I will allow him to work through his predicament.  There will be a catalyst.  There will be something that occurs forcing his hand and bringing an end to his unhappy, dangerous marriage.

And I will be at his side, supporting him, providing comfort, a shoulder, an ear.