He’s leaving on a jet plane

He boarded an airplane to Europe this afternoon for work.  He’ll be there until Friday, the 19th.  No international roaming on his phone so I won’t hear from him.  Further distance than even the last several weeks.

He called me yesterday while running errands in town, preparing for the trip.  We even passed on the road and he didn’t suggest meeting somewhere for a quick face-to-face.  He called again today on his way to the airport.  I decided it was time to be honest with him about how I’m feeling.

I told him I’d gone out with a friend Friday night for dinner, drinks, and a movie.  I told him I went out with another guy yesterday for bowling and a movie.  He knows about the guy from Friday, but hadn’t been aware of the one from yesterday.  I did confess the guy from yesterday is definitely not relationship  material, but we are friends and do enjoy getting together every once in a while to hang out.

I told him my long time friend from down south wanted to see me again.  He’d thought I was finished with him and I admitted to making the decision to remain his friend.  The guy had disappointed me and I’d shared that with him so he felt comfortable thinking I was no longer interested.

He also knows this particular guy is one I’ve always wanted to have a relationship with.  He’s single, gorgeous, intelligent, has a career in the same field as I.  The problem is he’s “damaged” from previous failed marriages and relationships.  He’s worried he’ll hurt me so works hard at keeping his emotional distance.

The last time we were together, he told me he loves me.  He caught me off guard and I didn’t say anything in response.  Honestly, I wasn’t really sure I’d heard him.  But he repeated it.

I invited him to visit my place – I’ve always traveled to him.  He’s most comfortable in his own space, but keeps promising he’ll come here.  He was scheduled to come here, the planning he insisted needed to happen, but got “sick” and cancelled.

I expected it.  Wasn’t surprised, although I was hurt.  I said I was finished.  I told him about what happened.  He felt confident I was finished.  His competition was eliminated.

When I told him on the phone today about our still being friends and his wanting to see me again, I shocked him.  He questioned me.  I explained the length of our friendship, him being the only man I ever really wanted more with and from, my understanding and acceptance of his fears and past injuries trumped my hurt.  How if he truly loves me and eventually asks for more, I’ll jump at the chance.

I told him I want a relationship.  I told him he’s married, very married, will always be married.  I want someone free, able and willing to accept me, love me, give them self to me.  What he and I have had has been good while it had it’s run, but it’s ran it’s course and I no longer feel for him what I did.

I told him he should find someone else to meet his needs.  I explained that in 2 months when his wife goes back to work, I’ll have hopefully met someone and will no longer be available to him.

He said he doesn’t want anyone else.  He’ll find a “silicone wife” to meet his needs.  He hopes he still has me.  He understands what I want and need, but doesn’t want to accept it.

It felt good to open up and explain to him where I’m at, how I’m feeling, what I’ve been thinking.

We’ll not have any communication for the next week.  It’ll give him time to think, to ruminate on what I said.  It’ll be interesting to see how he is when he gets back.  Much can happen in a week.  Much can change.  Much has changed!

 

 

 

Another Break, Another Ease into Ending

His wife is off the month of January and February.  As a result, we’re on furlough too.  LOL  I have to laugh.  Why be upset, it doesn’t change anything.

With each forced break, it’s getting easier and easier for me to accept and not miss his presence in my life.  I guess that’s the best thing about our separations.  It’s easing me in to ending things altogether.

No, I haven’t done that yet.

He’s still my friend.  He tells me when and if I find someone “special”, available, single, he still wants to remain my best friend.  He’s also said he would still consider wanting to be with me, if I were willing, sexually.  Duh!  Really?  LOL

Benefit for him, distraction for him, difficulty for me if I do meet and find someone to fill my life with.  I will NOT be interested in being with anyone I have to have him for sexual pleasure with still.

His marriage may be a disappointment.  He’s chosen to remain in it.  Money trumps his happiness.  Money trumps me.

He jokes if I ever win the lottery and run away, he’ll run away with me.  NOT!  Does he honestly believe I would consider taking him with me when he won’t choose me now?  His money isn’t worth losing over her when I don’t have any, but if I become rich he’ll live off me.  Fool!

I’m sure you can tell by my post I’ve come a long way from the feelings I had for him at the beginning of my blog on up to almost the last 2 posts.  Yes, he’s still fun and I care for him, but I’m not in love with him.  I know I no longer feel that way.  Well, in any way beyond what I feel for other close friends.

I used to think I couldn’t live without him.  If he ended things, I’d be devastated.  Now, I think he’ll be the one devastated when I end things.  I’ll move on, live happily ever after, and know I’ll be okay.

I’m so glad I’ve come to this point.  Who knows, I may not see him again when he’s free at the end of her time off.

The Break

**I forgot to post this when I typed it last month, so although it posts in January it actually was written right after Thanksgiving.

 

Last night was our last together for the month of December.  His wife is on furlough.  She was actually off yesterday, but went to her father’s for the day and night.

It was difficult spending time with him, knowing I’ll not see him for the remainder of the month.  Knowing he’ll be spending the holiday with his wife and family.

But it’s the nature of this thing we try to call a relationship.  I’m becoming more used to it with each break.  Sadly.

 

 

Indignation

He gave me his schedule…translation, her work schedule.  She’s taking off November 7th through Thanksgiving.  What does this mean to me?  It means we won’t be seeing each other for most of this month.

I misunderstood him at first.  I assumed he meant now through the end of the year or longer.  I said something about spending the holidays, plural, alone again.  He said a few weeks apart would do us good.  A break.  Really?

He said we could still see each other the 30th and 31st of October and the 6th of November.  Our final nights together before the break.

I already had planned to watch a football game on Monday the 30th.  My hometown team had a huge rivalry game and I wanted to watch.  I’d mentioned it to him previously, but he didn’t remember.  When I told him I had plans for the evening, he got upset.  He saw it as me making plans without him, on our evening together.

I said he never pays attention to what I say and he had no defense.  He admitted to likely not hearing me and at the very least, not remembering if he had.  He told me to have a good evening and said it was okay.  As it turns out, I was only able to watch until the half and he came over to meet me when I returned home.

We spent the night together.  I cooked dinner for us Tuesday evening and he spent that night as well.  We watched a movie and then went to bed.  It was a nice, normal evening at home.

Now he’s back to his “real” home routine.  His wife is home and he’s playing at his marriage.  I’m alone, but looking for someone to share the missing pieces of my time with.  Maybe even someone to move forward with and start new.

I’ve learned I can’t open up and be honest with him about my thoughts and feelings.  I know my place in his life is part time, temporary.  He wants his marriage to work.  Even though he tells me he’s only “keeping the peace” I know he’s never planning to end his marriage so he may as well admit to wanting it to improve.

He dislikes me saying such.  Pointing out the obvious.  He wants me to pretend things are different than they are.  And when we have our time together, he convinces himself we’re living the life we were meant to.  He wants me to think of him as a traveling salesman or the like.  That millions of others live exactly as we do and it’s acceptable.

He clarified his time limitation over the next few weeks as only in November.  He says furloughs in December have been denied so his wife will be back to work then.  But he did say January and February were traditionally the slow months and she may be off then as well.  Preparing me, laying the ground work.

With any luck, I’ll have found someone more permanent by the holidays.  Someone interested in a relationship with me and not married or attached to someone else.  I don’t want to share.  I want someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him.

If he can’t decide I’m his present and his future, without regard to his wife and her presence in his life, I can’t remain alone to wait for something that may never come about.

I want more.  I want him.  But if he’s not interested in being free, making the necessary changes, being mine then I can’t stay in a stand-still hoping, waiting, being alone while he plays at “family” with her.

Destination Unknown

Where I will end up or how I will arrive there, I have no idea, but I know I need to change the direction I’m headed and find a better way to get wherever it is I’m going.

I’m unclear about the feelings I have for him.  I think it’s love, based solely on how hard it is for me to sever ties with him and not feel like my heart is tearing in two.  Because when I think about telling him I want to remain friends and stop our affair, I feel almost certain our friendship will end and I’ll lose every trace of what I hoped would one day become mine.

I know he’s never going to be mine, when I force myself to separate the feelings I have for him and the reality of his revelation a few days ago.  He’s never going to leave his wife and he’s made things too easy for her so she’ll never leave the comfortable life she has staying married to him.

She can treat him however she pleases and he’ll put up a fight, for a while, then become remorseful and accept her token apology.  She’ll threaten, scream, yell, throw her tantrum, bitch at him about everything, and he’ll argue or walk away, but never leave or make her leave.

He says I’m his happiness, his place of refuge, his peace.  But it means absolutely nothing.  I’m his sexual partner.  I’m his release.  If I stop allowing him to have sex with me or I find someone else and tell him I’ve decided to have sex with that person, he’ll find someone new.  I’ll be cast aside like yesterday’s news.

Therefore, I need to move forward.  I need to make decisions for myself, without regard to him and his presence in my life.

I need strength.  I need a settled spirit about letting him go.  I need to remind myself I will not be his forever, ever.  I will be his affair, his sexual partner, his lover.

I need to put one step in front of the other and slowly, deliberately move forward.  I need to find the happiness I’m in need of, deserving of.

 

Resignation

He finally said it.  He admitted he is in no way capable of or willing to change his situation with his wife.  He said he was devastated when his first marriage ended, even though it was he who left.  He told me unless something absolutely horrible and unrecoverable happens, he’s going to remain married.

He explains our relationship as “one like millions of other people have”.  It’s an unconventional, alternative life style.  He says it meets those needs missing from our day-to-day lives.  The only problem is – he has the missing needs – sex.   I have an entire relationship missing.  A full time lover, friend, companion, partner.

I don’t ONLY want a 2 day a week fill-in.  I want a full time, every night beside me in bed full blown relationship.  Someone I can depend on, who I can be counted on to be there for.

Sex is hollow, vacant, lacking when it’s missing love.  Passion is what I want and passion is only present when true feelings co-exist.

I love him.  But I can’t be in love with him.  Any more.

I overheard him tell his wife he loves her.  I know it’s true.  He does love her.  If he didn’t, it would be much easier to end.  He wouldn’t be so upset when they fight and say ugly things to each other.

I tells me he loves me.  But when I hear it now, it makes me think he’s afraid of losing his sexual outlet.  His needs.  The needs I fill for him.  The needs she doesn’t.  He loves what he has with me and doesn’t want it to end.  So telling me what he thinks I want and need to hear is his safety net.

It’s time for me to continue searching for MY forever.  Or at least my right-for-now.  I don’t want to let life pass me by while he’s holding on to his marriage, his wife, his comfortable life.

Stagnation

Everything remains the same.  He has no intention of doing anything about his marriage.  He tells me he can’t handle going through a divorce.  With the pressures of his job and the added responsibility he has with his dad, he says he can’t survive a disruption in his personal life.

What that means to me is there’s no hope of us having anything more than the 2 days a week we get when she’s traveling for work.

My life has been a difficult journey the past 6 weeks or so.  I’ve met obstacles more challenging than I’ve had the strength to handle.  As a result, the happy, bubbly person he’s fond of and expects has been absent.  I’ve not had the power or desire to push forward and dig myself out of the pit.

My lease was up at my previous address.  I found a new place and was scheduled to move the first of October, but the new place wasn’t ready and I had to beg for an extension at the previous place as well as make changes to all the move plans I’d secured.  I was living in boxes for 2 weeks with no definite end in sight.

I was scheduled to start back to school to finish my degree, but with the move and all the disruption, I wasn’t able to secure internet and had to postpone until after the first of the year.

My job has become increasingly difficult.  The environment is unbearable.  In addition to working in close proximity to an individual who goes out of her way to be mean, I’m still not doing what I was told I’d been hired to do.  I’m working so far below my experience and skill set, I hate going in every day.

Add to all of that, my ex decided to cause me problems with our son and blame me for something I had nothing to do with.  He made a suggestion I took advantage of and then he regretted it after things were already put in motion and completed.  He tried to bully a change from me and when that wouldn’t work he became belligerent.  I ended up blocking him.

My spirit was broken and I crumbled under the stress.  Never have I felt so lost and alone.  I was ready to throw in the towel.  I didn’t want to take another step.  I didn’t even care if I continued to breath.  I didn’t have the energy to make decisions or even think.

He talked me through it, helped me pick up some of the pieces, offered his help in other ways.

I was finally able to move and get settled.  I found an internet company and had the installation.  I had a weekend after the move to play and relax.  I took a deep breath and made the decision to pick myself up and move forward.

As a result of my renewed spirit and plans to enjoy life, he became upset with me and felt I was moving on without him despite all his help and support during my lowest point.  Selfishly, although he was home with his wife doing things together as a couple, the fact I was out having fun with others made him angry.

He wants me to himself.  He doesn’t want me to find someone to share my time with.  He’s not available for me because he’s with his wife, but he doesn’t want me to be anywhere with anyone.  He says I need to focus on my certification exam, schooling, work, myself.  Translation…want and need him and that be enough.

Can I repeat selfish?!

I tried being open and honest with him about who I was with, what we were doing, where we were going.  I’ve found that is not a good thing.  He says he wants to know, but he gets upset knowing.  So I’ve decided it’s better to not share fully.  Besides, I have no idea if he’s being completely honest with me about his interactions and activities with his wife.

He has his time apart from me, I have my time apart from him, and we have our time together.  That’s the way it has to be.  Until I no longer want to be in the relationship he and I share.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Always the mistress, never anything more

He met with the attorney yesterday.  His fears were confirmed.  Unless he arrives at an amicable agreement with his wife, she will get 50% of everything, regardless of her lack of contribution financially to the marriage and in spite of her violence and destructive behavior.

Therefore, he’s staying.  He’s hoping the marriage will come to a more natural end.  He’s not divorcing her.  As such, I’m left to continue being the mistress or I will have to choose to end my relationship with him.

He’s chosen money over me.

He says he loves me, wants us to continue as we are, to never lose what we have.  He says we have a connection far beyond sex, one day we will have more.  He offered several times to provide me with a home, a place to live, he offered me money. Generous, but not what I want.  He cheapened us, cheapened me.

I told him I wouldn’t accept anything from him, I would pay my own way.  I told him I wanted him, a normal, dating relationship.  I don’t want to rush things, but I do want to have the chance to find out if what we feel for each other, what I feel for him and what he tells me he feels for me, is real and not driven by sexual needs and desires.

His concession was for us to share our 2 days a week, perhaps more, when he could arrange it.  He’d have me join his bowling league, he’d go “fishing” every other Saturday, arrange to go out with “the guys”.

All good and well, providing us with more time, yet he’d remain married.  I’d continue to be in hiding.  She’d continue to be his wife and I’d remain his mistress.

My heart is breaking, ripping out of my chest.  Love isn’t supposed to hurt this bad.  I never should have believed he was leaving his wife, divorcing her.  I never should have allowed myself to fall in love with him.  I should have maintained perspective, saw our relationship, our “encounters”, for what they are.

Again, I’m back to the fool.  The mistress who believed she meant more than what she was ever intended to be.

 

What a difference 24 hours makes

Yesterday started out like any other day then rapidly imploded!

I received information from a “friend” about him, something he’d denied, not simply avoided.  It was unsolicited by me, but provided all the same…to “protect” me.  He’d lied! If he’d never brought the matter up in the first place or never used it as a means to complain about his wife, it wouldn’t have been such an affront.

I tried to deal with my emotions alone, process, not confront him, but rather avoid him until I’d had time to think the matter through.  My mistake was reacting!  I sent him a message stating I felt like such a fool, an idiot, I was hurt.  Nothing more.

He responded with short messages, questions.  Repeatedly.  Then he called.  I tried to avoid him, tell him I was fine, would be fine, but needed to deal with the “matter”.  I didn’t give him a straight answer, didn’t tell him what hurt me, why I’d sent the message.

I received a call I’d been waiting for and was able to get off the phone with him abruptly. But only temporarily avoiding the inevitable.

He called again, after messaging several times which I didn’t respond to.  Again, I tried to not say anything, gauge my emotions, process what I’d discovered.  He pushed, wanted to know who I was upset by, with, asked if it was him.  I finally answered yes.

He didn’t understand what he’d done to upset me, what he might have said that had hurt me.  I told him I’d been lied to.  He’d lied.  I told him what I’d found out and how.  He was instantly defensive, felt he’d been “injured” by my “friend’s” digging for the information. Then he was upset I’d discussed him with someone.

I explained how the information had been discovered.  How I’d not betrayed him, but instead had shared my relationship with someone I’d known for quite a while.  No secrets, no risk.  I explained I’d given her his first name.  Her innocent attempt at helping me had caused her to come across his last name.  Her not-so-innocent additional search had discovered what she thought was information I needed to know…his marital status.

His anger was exaggerated, more than I felt was justified given his blatant lie about a subject that was in essence a non-issue had he been upfront and honest to begin with.

We solved nothing on the phone and he was forced to end the call to start on the return trip home from his business trip.  He was a passenger with other co-workers and unable to continue with an audience.

He messaged, I replied, we went back and forth.  Things became angrier and more distressing.  I told him he was free of me, if that’s what he required for my “grievance” of sharing with a friend.

He felt I had placed him at risk, risk he’d done everything to avoid, the very reason he’d lied to me.  I assured him I’d not placed him at risk, I’d done nothing to encourage her, she’d acted recklessly, of her own accord.  I further explained I had far more “cards to play” against her should she do anything to hurt either he or I.

We came to an impasse.  I apologized, accepted his apology, but knew we’d come to an end.  He claimed not, but I could not see a remedy, a repair.  I was broken – heart, mind, and spirit.  I found myself out of control, emotionally.  I was inconsolable.  The end of what I hoped was going in a more positive direction.

I walked, cried, drank, walked some more, drank much more, cried lots more.

He called once he was back to his own car, driving alone towards home.  I couldn’t hide the fact I was upset.  I couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t pull myself together.  Showed weakness I hate!  Gave him his leave, told him to forget about me, to let me to my grief. He refused.

After trying for over an hour, doing everything he could to dissuade me from letting him go, telling him to find someone else, he made the decision to come to my home.  I told him not to come, to stay away, I was finished, not worth his time.  He came anyway.

He sat beside me, held me, told me the only way I would be done with him was if I looked him in the eye and told him I no longer loved him.  I couldn’t.  I do love him.  I don’t want to be finished with him.  I don’t want him to be finished with me.  He told me he loved me.

I cried some more, for the silliness of the day, for the useless knowledge I’d obtained and thought was a big deal, for almost losing the man I love!

We came inside, went to bed, made love for hours.  We lay beside each other after our bodies were spent, fell asleep in each other’s arms.  I rested, fitfully, exhausted from tears and sadness.

I was awake when I felt him stir beside me.  He reached across, touched me, caressed me, hugged me.  We made love again, hungrily.  All upset from the previous day forgiven, excused.

 

 

 

 

 

Only in death

We had a very nice weekend.  Spent all of Saturday together, both day and night.  We drove to a favorite place of mine, a Mennonite community with a farmer’s market.  I’d mentioned it to him in the past and he wanted to experience it with me.  After buying several different kinds of produce, we went for a hike along the Ocoee River in the gorge. We hiked and talked for several hours.  I love hearing him talk and he wanted to share about his past, his history.

He wants me to get to know him, know who he was, who he is, who he wants to become. He’s sharing with me about his aspirations, wishes, dreams.  He already tells me about his days, his nights, his family, his friends, his activities.  He wants me to know all the things he wants to do, how he wants me involved, wants me along for the journey ahead.

In the middle of the night, around 3:00 am, he woke up, or so I thought, and said “I’m so tired!”  I asked why, and he mumbled, “life”.  He fell right back off, or deeper, since he actually was sleep-talking.  I, on the other hand, was up the rest of the night worried about the implications of what he said.

I found out the next morning when I asked him about it.  He had no recollection.  I told him what he said and he said he wasn’t surprised after the week he’d had with work and preparation for 2 upcoming business trips on top of the previous weekend battling with his wife.

I told him about my night, my reaction, my worries that my presence in his life was causing complications to his already crazy, out-of-control life.  He said he immediately wondered if that’s where my mind had gone.  He reassured me without me in his life, his constant, he’d not be able to continue.  He not only wanted me in his life, he needed me in his life now and always.

He left that morning to finish packing and drive to meet peers to travel together for the first meeting, an annual planning summit in Myrtle Beach.  He sent me a message reassuring me “death is the only way you will never have me in your life”.  He wants me to know he is sincere, he “cherishes” me, he feels cherished by me.

We’ve talked about not rushing our relationship.  He knows his parents want his divorce.  They don’t like his wife, they fear for his safety with her, they know how horrible she treats him.  They want him to be with someone who loves him, treats him as if he’s the most important thing in their life, but they also might not be supportive of his jumping right back into a committed relationship.

His daughters don’t like his wife.  The older only comes around or allows her around for his sake.  The younger won’t come around at all.  She has never liked her and has been vocal with him about her dislike and distrust of her.  She pegged her from the beginning, saw her true character, tried to warn him.  He was blind to what she saw.  He knows both of his daughters want him to be happy, to be loved, but they also will not be okay with him jumping right back into a committed relationship.

I have reasons of my own for not rushing things.  I receive alimony from my ex, support for the 19 years of marriage we shared, for the final five years of complete disconnect he created, for taking care of him following his accident, subsequent surgery, and then disability.  I deserve it for everything he said and did and didn’t say and didn’t do.

A condition of my receiving it is I don’t live with anyone or get remarried.  If either occurs, the alimony stops.  My ex moved in with his girlfriend before I ever filed for divorce, but if I so much as move in with someone or move someone in with me I’m penalized.

So although we both love each other, know our feelings are real and true and know we want to spend the rest of our lives together, we are forced into moving slowly and taking things at a rate others around us will be better able to handle – those who have no way of knowing about the months we’ve already spent getting to know each other and falling in love.