Moving Forward

I have dated on and off during my affair.  Nothing serious with anyone – I wasn’t able to commit outside of what my heart thought it wanted.  I did want to find something, someone of my own.  I wanted distraction and interaction.  A way to take my mind of his time with her.

All along I told myself if I were able to find Mr. Right-for-me I could leave him behind.  I could walk away from the insanity and immorality of our relationship and move on with someone unattached and interested in only me.

Unfortunately, living in such a small town, I had to venture out into the world of online dating.  Talk about a mine field!  Wow!  Not easy and not fun!

I’ve met interesting people.  Interesting doesn’t necessarily mean good.  Just to be clear.  I’m still searching.  I’m still hopeful.  I may just bump into the next chapter.  Or I may continue to be disillusioned by the things I come across.

My next post will detail some of the people I’ve met and the experiences I’ve had.  It’s time for this blog to change direction with me and take on a new personality.

I hope you’ll come along for the ride.  If not and you’ve been a follower strictly for the affair, I thank you for your time.  Life is short and anyone using valuable bits of theirs to read what I’ve written, mainly for myself, deserves to know how much I appreciate them.

If you do decide to stick around, know I will be just as open, honest, and raw with the adventures I’ve had already and the new ones I’ve yet to have.

 

 

 

The winds of change

It’s time.  There’s no reason to continue to delude myself.  He’s my past.  He’s no longer a part of my present.  He never was going to be a part of my future.

I’m contemplating a drastic move.  Away.  To start over fresh.

If I remain here he’ll think he can keep manipulating, pressuring, appealing to my sympathy, guilting me, keeping me on the hook for his selfish needs and pleasure.

I’ve communicated my intentions.  He’s angry, hurt, vacillating between the two.  Supportive and understanding at one point and then angry and upset I’m leaving him behind.

He’s trying to convince me to stay, grow here, downsize to reduce expenses, sell everything he says is “non-essential”.

Easy for him to say.  He’s wealthy, has his huge home, his toys, his vehicles.  He has it all and refuses to give any of it up for me, but can judge, selfishly, what I should and shouldn’t do.

I have no feelings for him.  I’ve reflected.  I don’t get upset now.  I’m numb to it.  Numb to him.  He has lost his control of me.  The power he held for so long is now nothing.

I’m free.

 

True Colors

I have seen bits and pieces of his temper over the last year and a half we’ve known each other, but last night he showed what I now know to be his real personality.

He’s not happy I’m pulling away.  He’s not happy I’m content not being able to see him.  I think he was hoping I’d beg him to see me on his bowling nights – excused absences from the wife.  I haven’t and I don’t intend to.

I know he’s upset about my not jumping at his offer to come over on February 14th while his wife is in Atlanta at training.  When I said I was sorry her employer scheduled training on Valentine’s Day and they wouldn’t be able to celebrate together, he said he didn’t even realize it was Valentine’s Day and it never mattered to them anyway – she didn’t celebrate those days.

Since I didn’t proceed to say I was excited and wanted to see him, he said “I bet you’ll have a date”.  All I said was maybe.

My email communications have dwindled in frequency and length.  I simply don’t have as much to say and I don’t have as much time to focus on him and maintain his favor.  It’s not important to me and I’m working at other potential relationships.

I’ve stopped sharing intimate parts of my life and don’t feel it’s necessary anymore.  He’s staying with his wife and he should be working on their relationship.  Even though he tells me there is no relationship other than her being his “maid and cook”, I know they go places together and see friends together in social settings.  To me, that’s a marriage.

He knows I have another male friend, single, whom I met before him and have wanted a relationship with, but because of past heartaches and marital abuse, he’s very nervous about hurting me and failing at another long term relationship.  I’ve settled into being his friend until recently he’s told me on several occasions he loves me.

I shared this information with my former lover and as well as a recent disappointment about a planned visit cancelled at the last minute because of a pulled back muscle the day he was scheduled to visit my place for the first time.

I had wrongly told my former lover I was finished if he “didn’t come this time” since he’d made similar promises and similar excuses in the past.  He was more content to have me drive to his place and I always had, but he’d told me over and over he was going to come to me for a change.

I told him when he asked if we had a good time together he hadn’t actually come and why and that set him spinning.  He was incensed I would continue with a potential relationship if he never came to my home and told me he hoped I saw the reality of what he was doing, always expecting me to be the one making an effort, and I was no longer going to pursue him.

That was last week.  Yesterday he called on his way to bowling – his normal routine – and talked casually for a brief time, then asked if he and I had made up.  I told him I felt that was a subject better left out of our conversations.

Oh my!  He totally gave it to me!  Told me he was “wasting him time” on me, I was obviously through with him and no longer wanted to be his best friend.  He continued by saying I clearly didn’t have any need of him now and why should he bother with me any more.  I was no longer worth it to him.

I was shocked!  He’d told me his wife was off limits and I was not to ask about their relationship and interaction, but when I did the same about someone who means something to me, I was the villain.

I tried explaining to him I was no different, but he said it was absolutely different and if I was no longer willing to share the events of my life with him we might at well just end things.  I told him if that’s what he felt and wanted, so be it.

When he’d gone round and round slamming me and saying hateful, hurtful things, I told him I didn’t understand how he could be so mean to me when all I’d done was try to keep a portion of my personal life, personal, like his marriage was for him.

I told him he hurt me and I was okay with him being finished.

Advance to later, when he was on his way home after bowling and called again, he said he was trying to keep things light and I’d brought up the previous conversation and was trying to start another fight.

I tried again to tell him his feelings were no more valid than mine and he’d made me feel no different than my ex-husband had in his demeaning manor and I didn’t deserve it from either of them nor would I continue to put up with it from someone who was married to someone else.

When we ended the call, after he said he’d driven around the block several times in order to talk to me, I was whipped!

Not long after, he sent me an email saying he was sorry.  I ignored it.  Later he said it again and told me good night.  Again, I ignored it.

Today he’s sent much longer, more engaging emails, and I’ve answered briefly, occasionally, with little to no added interest.  He, at one point, said something about me going back to one word answers.  So!  It was okay for him and not for me, but that’s the way things have always been with him.

This berating has definitely made it easier for me to feel confident and comfortable with ending this from not only a sexual standpoint, but from a friend standpoint as well.  He only wants me to be the friend he wants and not for me to have a backbone and individual thoughts.

I’m no longer interested nor do I care.  And I’m not sad about it or even have the slightest bit of regret.  He’s done this and I’m glad!  Makes it easier on me!