Riding the Rainbow

It’s funny how people who either haven’t lived outside the proverbial box or are doing their best to fool themselves into believing they’re above making decisions they think they never in a million years would make, pass judgement and condemn others without walking a mile in their shoes.

I’ve been married and divorced twice.  As I stated at the very beginning of my blog journey, I was married the first time for 11 years to a serial cheater.  I stayed in our dysfunctional marriage for the benefit of our sons and because I was raised to believe marriage was a for better or worse, til death do us part commitment.

When our sons started getting old enough to realize something was amiss and I knew I could no longer justify having them witness a broken marriage example they would later think was okay for themselves, I ended it.  It was the most difficult decision to that point I’d ever made.

Fast forward 19 years in marriage number 2, a total break down of his commitment to us, and our son (my third) witnessing the dysfunctional way we existed, I again found myself having to make a tough decision – stay married to what essentially was a roommate relationship or end it and hope to find happiness for myself living a single life for the first time in 30 years.

I waited until our son graduated from high school in hopes of lessening the emotional impact it had on him and being able to discuss with a young adult why things were changing.

Twice in my life, I put others before me.  Twice in my life, I stayed in impossible relationships longer than I should.  I didn’t take either decision lightly.  Entering into an affair was much harder and not something I ever dreamed I’d do.  It was against the grain of my upbringing and my better judgement.  But I did so after lots of reflection and consideration.

For someone to pass judgement on me without giving me the benefit of the doubt and without talking to me and asking what went into my decision, is not only shallow on their part, but also insensitive and cruel.

Perhaps they’ve lived a charmed, perfect life and never had to make tough decisions.  Or perhaps they’ve been on the receiving end of an affair and accepted no personal responsibility in why it happened to them.  I don’t know because they only condemned me harshly and offered no additional insight into why it was so easy for them to be mean.

I would ask them to take stock of themselves.  Cast the first stone if the honestly think they’re without fault.  Otherwise, don’t judge unless you’ve walked in my shoes.

I never would have thought I’d have an affair with a married man.  I hated when it happened to me in my first marriage, repeatedly.  But I did what I thought was right, based on what I was being told by my lover.  I believed in and trusted him.

Clearly, based on my recent blog posts, I’ve come to the conclusion I made a mistake in trusting and believing him.  He may very well have believed what he told me and how he felt along the way, but things have changed and I no longer will allow his commitment to both of us.

Their marriage is not coming to an end so our affair is.  Both simple and hugely complicated at the same time.

The ride on the rainbow my accuser is taking, or fooling themselves into believing their on, would be interesting to witness.  Unfortunately, I don’t have the time nor the inclination to find out.  My life is enough and I don’t pass judgement on someone I don’t take the time to get to know.

If this was you and you’re reading this, think.

4 thoughts on “Riding the Rainbow

  1. Hi there “Other Woman” !
    (actually it would be a tad nice to be able to address you with a given first name, even if it be an alias, just reads better here – lol)

    Anywho, having spent the last few days reading all your past blog post archives (plus comments), I thought that I’d take a moment and throw a comment (or 2 or 3) out your way.
    Hope you’re doing well this weekend, what with all the other “drama” that you’ve encountered during a lot of last year.

    After reading your words, a few observations / thoughts / questions came to mind, they being:

    Reading that you have been married previously (twice), I was wondering if either of your ex’s were controlling persons in nature. If so then, to me, any way, it sure looks like your current (if not soon to be ex) married boy friend is quite controlling in nature as well, if not more so (based on his checking up on your activities from time to time when you’re not with him).

    Consider this: if (let’s say), you had “won him” from the clutches of his current wife, do you not suppose he would still wish to exert strong control over you and question any activities that you did with other friends, without his presence? I would bet yes. So by not “winning him”, me-thinks you might have just dodged a “relationship bullet” lady (although I could be wrong).

    Also, being a guy and not emotionally affected by events as you have been, but just objectively reading your past posts (which I suggest you may wish to do, using a different objective viewpoint), I figure that, all things considered, he did play you a bit (if not a lot). Telling you what you wished to hear. Neglecting to tell you things that you only found out about later on. And, just as a thought, are you 100% sure that everything that he told you over the months that you’ve known him, was always the total truth (about his wife, about his home life, about other things)? Much of it may well have been truthful but was it all or was some of it stuff that he told you to better meet his own needs, rather than yours?

    And, yes, the old saying ” having one’s cake and eating it” does come to mind, as does “why buy a cow when the milk is free” (no offence intended here so please don’t read it as such, but you get what I mean, right?)

    Anyway, enough of my nattering (and sorry to ramble on and probably bore you). Just one final word, on a different topic:

    You wrote how you weren’t happy in your job, were feeling under employed, my suggestion:
    besides looking for another (better) guy for yourself, you might also start looking for another (better) job.
    And don’t let your age be a show-stopper in your thinking, God helps those who help themselves and as far as I can tell you still have many productive years ahead of you – in both love and work. Go for it!

    Like

    • Hi Rob, I don’t know whether to thank you or feel sorry for you taking the time to read the insanity of my FULL blog, from start to finish!
      I will attempt to address your observations/ thoughts / questions since you were so kind as to write after your lengthy perusal.

      First, neither of my husbands were controlling. They failed in other miserable ways, but I was the one forced to be the ‘manager’ of both lives – keep things in order and on track for not only myself and my sons, but for each of them as well. Many times I wished they, respectively, would have been more involved and engaged in “controlling” me and our relationship. Their apathy and lack of interest in helping with the day to day made for a wedge – that and their other failings. You’ve already read so I don’t need to repeat.

      The fact my “soon to be ex-lover” wanted to know where I was, who I was with, what I was doing made me feel, for a time, like he was really interested and wanted to control me, to an extent. Now, having read my blog, you do know I didn’t stay faithful to him while we’ve been together. My rebellion was because he was going home to his wife and I never fully trusted what he said was the “state” of his marriage.

      I know now, with the benefit of removing the blinders, he had the best of both worlds. He had the normalcy of his life with his wife, regardless of how it actually was at home – I’ll never know nor should I or do I now care. He also had his “fantasy life” with me – I let him be who and what he wanted to be. I didn’t impose limits and let him experiment and fully enjoy the time we shared. What warm-blooded, sexually active, engaged male wouldn’t be intrigued and take full advantage?

      Lastly, you hit the nail on the head with your last statement/suggestion – I plan for 2018 to be MY year! I’m going to actively pursue not only a real, marriage-free relationship, but also a new job where my experience and skills will be fully utilized. I’m ready and able to relocate to make both of those things happen and I’m excited about the opportunities I’ll be presented with. I made decisions this past year because of him and being close and convenient. Big mistake! But I’ll recover and move forward and make better, more thoughtful decisions this year. I’ve lived and learned.

      50 isn’t old and I plan to make my 51st year be the very best I’ve ever had!

      Thank you again for your insights. I appreciate your interest and “time wasted”. 🙂

      Oh, and I do have a real name I don’t mind sharing – I’m Susan. It was a pleasure exchanging with you Rob.

      Like

  2. Thank you, Susan (a pretty name) for your quick reply to my earlier comments. Many bloggers don’t reply to reader comments at all or only do so weeks or months later. So you score blog points in my book.

    Oh and I don’t consider my time here to have been a waste of time (besides I’m a speed reader so no biggie, ma-am! lol)

    Since the hour is get late here (in Canuk land), I’ll keep my words much briefer than my previous rambling initial comment to you. Just know that I’ll be around here to watch your progress this year and cheer you on, whether your days be great (or not so great). So take it one day at a time and good luck, blog friend.

    Liked by 1 person

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