I’m so relaxed and stress-free. Releasing myself from him, knowing I’m going to make it, accepting I’m going to be fine without him, has lifted a heavy burden I didn’t realize I was carrying.
When I started this affair over 16 months ago, I was hard on myself and felt guilty, but was under the impression his marriage was ending and it was only a matter of time they would be filing for divorce.
I justified getting involved with him by telling myself they were over. Her feelings didn’t matter because he told me how mean she was to him both in her actions and word. What he told me bordered on and often crossed the line of what I considered abuse. I felt sorry for him and wanted to be there to help him in the transition.
The longer we were together, the more I heard about their destructive, collapsing marriage. I was his sounding board, his safe place, his comfort. I thought I was doing him a favor and earning his trust and love.
He convinced me he loved me, wanted me, asked me if I would be willing to marry him down the road. I’d told him early on I was never getting married again, no matter what. For him, I said I would.
The roller coaster of emotions I rode with him were worth it, I convinced myself, because in the end I’d be happy with the man I had grown to trust and love. I believed I was investing in our future. Our infidelity would pay off.
What a fool I was!
The writing was on the wall long before I was willing to see it and accept what was happening. Most blatantly last June when they went on vacation together. He said it was to “keep the peace” – a line I’d started hearing all too often.
Then his mom passed away suddenly and they had to turn around and come back home. I knew at the time it could go either way – push him to find true happiness with me or become complacent and accepting of his current marital state.
He chose the latter! Which was the beginning of the end for me!
Gosh, it feels so good to look back and not get upset! It reassures me I’m making the right decision! He’s a brief blip in my timeline. I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’ve grown. My next and future relationships, if the next isn’t the “one”, will be better as a result.
I guess I should be thankful I met him and traveled the journey. I don’t think he’d appreciate the thanks, but I know I need to say it.