Appreciation and reflection

Today I received a very thoughtful and time-involved message from a reader.  Not only do I take the time to read the messages I receive, but many I respond to and answer as many questions as I can and feel are appropriate enough to warrant a response.

The benefit of these messages is I get to hear the outside observations of others either having been in, going through now, or considering an affair.

When you’re right smack in the middle of the relationship, feelings and reason often get pushed to the side.  The only thing of importance is staying connected and relevant to your lover.

I’ve gone from a newly involved, guilt-ridden partner in the affair with a married man to a fully committed, totally convinced woman in love with a man who was certain he was planning to end his marriage and join his life with mine to a skeptical, borderline angry woman realizing the man who assured her he loved her was only saying so in order to keep the affair going.

It’s nice to finally come to the conclusion he will never leave his wife, he’s too involved and invested in what they have together, to do anything beyond using me for sex.

I no longer have the need or desire to spend time with him.  Yes, I do still consider him a friend.  We’ve shared many personal experiences, outside of the bedroom, this past year and almost a half.  I’d like to think he’ll remain my friend when I meet and begin a physical relationship with someone else.

He says he will, always, when I’ve discussed this with him, but like everything else he’s said I won’t know until it happens.  If not, no great loss – for me!

 

 

Riding the Rainbow

It’s funny how people who either haven’t lived outside the proverbial box or are doing their best to fool themselves into believing they’re above making decisions they think they never in a million years would make, pass judgement and condemn others without walking a mile in their shoes.

I’ve been married and divorced twice.  As I stated at the very beginning of my blog journey, I was married the first time for 11 years to a serial cheater.  I stayed in our dysfunctional marriage for the benefit of our sons and because I was raised to believe marriage was a for better or worse, til death do us part commitment.

When our sons started getting old enough to realize something was amiss and I knew I could no longer justify having them witness a broken marriage example they would later think was okay for themselves, I ended it.  It was the most difficult decision to that point I’d ever made.

Fast forward 19 years in marriage number 2, a total break down of his commitment to us, and our son (my third) witnessing the dysfunctional way we existed, I again found myself having to make a tough decision – stay married to what essentially was a roommate relationship or end it and hope to find happiness for myself living a single life for the first time in 30 years.

I waited until our son graduated from high school in hopes of lessening the emotional impact it had on him and being able to discuss with a young adult why things were changing.

Twice in my life, I put others before me.  Twice in my life, I stayed in impossible relationships longer than I should.  I didn’t take either decision lightly.  Entering into an affair was much harder and not something I ever dreamed I’d do.  It was against the grain of my upbringing and my better judgement.  But I did so after lots of reflection and consideration.

For someone to pass judgement on me without giving me the benefit of the doubt and without talking to me and asking what went into my decision, is not only shallow on their part, but also insensitive and cruel.

Perhaps they’ve lived a charmed, perfect life and never had to make tough decisions.  Or perhaps they’ve been on the receiving end of an affair and accepted no personal responsibility in why it happened to them.  I don’t know because they only condemned me harshly and offered no additional insight into why it was so easy for them to be mean.

I would ask them to take stock of themselves.  Cast the first stone if the honestly think they’re without fault.  Otherwise, don’t judge unless you’ve walked in my shoes.

I never would have thought I’d have an affair with a married man.  I hated when it happened to me in my first marriage, repeatedly.  But I did what I thought was right, based on what I was being told by my lover.  I believed in and trusted him.

Clearly, based on my recent blog posts, I’ve come to the conclusion I made a mistake in trusting and believing him.  He may very well have believed what he told me and how he felt along the way, but things have changed and I no longer will allow his commitment to both of us.

Their marriage is not coming to an end so our affair is.  Both simple and hugely complicated at the same time.

The ride on the rainbow my accuser is taking, or fooling themselves into believing their on, would be interesting to witness.  Unfortunately, I don’t have the time nor the inclination to find out.  My life is enough and I don’t pass judgement on someone I don’t take the time to get to know.

If this was you and you’re reading this, think.

Loving this lighter side of life

I’m so relaxed and stress-free.  Releasing myself from him, knowing I’m going to make it, accepting I’m going to be fine without him, has lifted a heavy burden I didn’t realize I was carrying.

When I started this affair over 16 months ago, I was hard on myself and felt guilty, but was under the impression his marriage was ending and it was only a matter of time they would be filing for divorce.

I justified getting involved with him by telling myself they were over.  Her feelings didn’t matter because he told me how mean she was to him both in her actions and word.  What he told me bordered on and often crossed the line of what I considered abuse.  I felt sorry for him and wanted to be there to help him in the transition.

The longer we were together, the more I heard about their destructive, collapsing marriage.  I was his sounding board, his safe place, his comfort.  I thought I was doing him a favor and earning his trust and love.

He convinced me he loved me, wanted me, asked me if I would be willing to marry him down the road.  I’d told him early on I was never getting married again, no matter what.  For him, I said I would.

The roller coaster of emotions I rode with him were worth it, I convinced myself, because in the end I’d be happy with the man I had grown to trust and love.  I believed I was investing in our future.  Our infidelity would pay off.

What a fool I was!

The writing was on the wall long before I was willing to see it and accept what was happening.  Most blatantly last June when they went on vacation together.  He said it was to “keep the peace” – a line I’d started hearing all too often.

Then his mom passed away suddenly and they had to turn around and come back home.  I knew at the time it could go either way – push him to find true happiness with me or become complacent and accepting of his current marital state.

He chose the latter!   Which was the beginning of the end for me!

Gosh, it feels so good to look back and not get upset!  It reassures me I’m making the right decision!  He’s a brief blip in my timeline.  I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’ve grown.  My next and future relationships, if the next isn’t the “one”, will be better as a result.

I guess I should be thankful I met him and traveled the journey.  I don’t think he’d appreciate the thanks, but I know I need to say it.

 

 

 

 

Laughing to myself

Surprisingly, I received an email message from him today.  He’d told me he wouldn’t be able to while out of the country and I was okay with it.  In fact, didn’t bat an eye or even question him.

I guess my honesty with him yesterday and all his free time on the flight, at the hotel, and then all day working today made him reflect on what I’d said and my apathy about our relationship and he determined to stay in touch.

It doesn’t change a thing about the way I feel, but it does mean he’s not thrilled with my moving on with someone else and his losing me.

It’s unfortunate the last year and a half he didn’t appreciate me and what we shared enough to make hard decisions.  He felt confident I was interested enough to stay with just the bits and pieces of him he permitted.

Now that I’ve disconnected emotionally and am happy, he’s facing a reality he didn’t expect.  Knowing I’m no longer in love with him and actively looking to replace him isn’t sitting well.

Consequences.

 

He’s leaving on a jet plane

He boarded an airplane to Europe this afternoon for work.  He’ll be there until Friday, the 19th.  No international roaming on his phone so I won’t hear from him.  Further distance than even the last several weeks.

He called me yesterday while running errands in town, preparing for the trip.  We even passed on the road and he didn’t suggest meeting somewhere for a quick face-to-face.  He called again today on his way to the airport.  I decided it was time to be honest with him about how I’m feeling.

I told him I’d gone out with a friend Friday night for dinner, drinks, and a movie.  I told him I went out with another guy yesterday for bowling and a movie.  He knows about the guy from Friday, but hadn’t been aware of the one from yesterday.  I did confess the guy from yesterday is definitely not relationship  material, but we are friends and do enjoy getting together every once in a while to hang out.

I told him my long time friend from down south wanted to see me again.  He’d thought I was finished with him and I admitted to making the decision to remain his friend.  The guy had disappointed me and I’d shared that with him so he felt comfortable thinking I was no longer interested.

He also knows this particular guy is one I’ve always wanted to have a relationship with.  He’s single, gorgeous, intelligent, has a career in the same field as I.  The problem is he’s “damaged” from previous failed marriages and relationships.  He’s worried he’ll hurt me so works hard at keeping his emotional distance.

The last time we were together, he told me he loves me.  He caught me off guard and I didn’t say anything in response.  Honestly, I wasn’t really sure I’d heard him.  But he repeated it.

I invited him to visit my place – I’ve always traveled to him.  He’s most comfortable in his own space, but keeps promising he’ll come here.  He was scheduled to come here, the planning he insisted needed to happen, but got “sick” and cancelled.

I expected it.  Wasn’t surprised, although I was hurt.  I said I was finished.  I told him about what happened.  He felt confident I was finished.  His competition was eliminated.

When I told him on the phone today about our still being friends and his wanting to see me again, I shocked him.  He questioned me.  I explained the length of our friendship, him being the only man I ever really wanted more with and from, my understanding and acceptance of his fears and past injuries trumped my hurt.  How if he truly loves me and eventually asks for more, I’ll jump at the chance.

I told him I want a relationship.  I told him he’s married, very married, will always be married.  I want someone free, able and willing to accept me, love me, give them self to me.  What he and I have had has been good while it had it’s run, but it’s ran it’s course and I no longer feel for him what I did.

I told him he should find someone else to meet his needs.  I explained that in 2 months when his wife goes back to work, I’ll have hopefully met someone and will no longer be available to him.

He said he doesn’t want anyone else.  He’ll find a “silicone wife” to meet his needs.  He hopes he still has me.  He understands what I want and need, but doesn’t want to accept it.

It felt good to open up and explain to him where I’m at, how I’m feeling, what I’ve been thinking.

We’ll not have any communication for the next week.  It’ll give him time to think, to ruminate on what I said.  It’ll be interesting to see how he is when he gets back.  Much can happen in a week.  Much can change.  Much has changed!

 

 

 

Another Break, Another Ease into Ending

His wife is off the month of January and February.  As a result, we’re on furlough too.  LOL  I have to laugh.  Why be upset, it doesn’t change anything.

With each forced break, it’s getting easier and easier for me to accept and not miss his presence in my life.  I guess that’s the best thing about our separations.  It’s easing me in to ending things altogether.

No, I haven’t done that yet.

He’s still my friend.  He tells me when and if I find someone “special”, available, single, he still wants to remain my best friend.  He’s also said he would still consider wanting to be with me, if I were willing, sexually.  Duh!  Really?  LOL

Benefit for him, distraction for him, difficulty for me if I do meet and find someone to fill my life with.  I will NOT be interested in being with anyone I have to have him for sexual pleasure with still.

His marriage may be a disappointment.  He’s chosen to remain in it.  Money trumps his happiness.  Money trumps me.

He jokes if I ever win the lottery and run away, he’ll run away with me.  NOT!  Does he honestly believe I would consider taking him with me when he won’t choose me now?  His money isn’t worth losing over her when I don’t have any, but if I become rich he’ll live off me.  Fool!

I’m sure you can tell by my post I’ve come a long way from the feelings I had for him at the beginning of my blog on up to almost the last 2 posts.  Yes, he’s still fun and I care for him, but I’m not in love with him.  I know I no longer feel that way.  Well, in any way beyond what I feel for other close friends.

I used to think I couldn’t live without him.  If he ended things, I’d be devastated.  Now, I think he’ll be the one devastated when I end things.  I’ll move on, live happily ever after, and know I’ll be okay.

I’m so glad I’ve come to this point.  Who knows, I may not see him again when he’s free at the end of her time off.

The Break

**I forgot to post this when I typed it last month, so although it posts in January it actually was written right after Thanksgiving.

 

Last night was our last together for the month of December.  His wife is on furlough.  She was actually off yesterday, but went to her father’s for the day and night.

It was difficult spending time with him, knowing I’ll not see him for the remainder of the month.  Knowing he’ll be spending the holiday with his wife and family.

But it’s the nature of this thing we try to call a relationship.  I’m becoming more used to it with each break.  Sadly.