Indignation

He gave me his schedule…translation, her work schedule.  She’s taking off November 7th through Thanksgiving.  What does this mean to me?  It means we won’t be seeing each other for most of this month.

I misunderstood him at first.  I assumed he meant now through the end of the year or longer.  I said something about spending the holidays, plural, alone again.  He said a few weeks apart would do us good.  A break.  Really?

He said we could still see each other the 30th and 31st of October and the 6th of November.  Our final nights together before the break.

I already had planned to watch a football game on Monday the 30th.  My hometown team had a huge rivalry game and I wanted to watch.  I’d mentioned it to him previously, but he didn’t remember.  When I told him I had plans for the evening, he got upset.  He saw it as me making plans without him, on our evening together.

I said he never pays attention to what I say and he had no defense.  He admitted to likely not hearing me and at the very least, not remembering if he had.  He told me to have a good evening and said it was okay.  As it turns out, I was only able to watch until the half and he came over to meet me when I returned home.

We spent the night together.  I cooked dinner for us Tuesday evening and he spent that night as well.  We watched a movie and then went to bed.  It was a nice, normal evening at home.

Now he’s back to his “real” home routine.  His wife is home and he’s playing at his marriage.  I’m alone, but looking for someone to share the missing pieces of my time with.  Maybe even someone to move forward with and start new.

I’ve learned I can’t open up and be honest with him about my thoughts and feelings.  I know my place in his life is part time, temporary.  He wants his marriage to work.  Even though he tells me he’s only “keeping the peace” I know he’s never planning to end his marriage so he may as well admit to wanting it to improve.

He dislikes me saying such.  Pointing out the obvious.  He wants me to pretend things are different than they are.  And when we have our time together, he convinces himself we’re living the life we were meant to.  He wants me to think of him as a traveling salesman or the like.  That millions of others live exactly as we do and it’s acceptable.

He clarified his time limitation over the next few weeks as only in November.  He says furloughs in December have been denied so his wife will be back to work then.  But he did say January and February were traditionally the slow months and she may be off then as well.  Preparing me, laying the ground work.

With any luck, I’ll have found someone more permanent by the holidays.  Someone interested in a relationship with me and not married or attached to someone else.  I don’t want to share.  I want someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him.

If he can’t decide I’m his present and his future, without regard to his wife and her presence in his life, I can’t remain alone to wait for something that may never come about.

I want more.  I want him.  But if he’s not interested in being free, making the necessary changes, being mine then I can’t stay in a stand-still hoping, waiting, being alone while he plays at “family” with her.

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