Where I will end up or how I will arrive there, I have no idea, but I know I need to change the direction I’m headed and find a better way to get wherever it is I’m going.
I’m unclear about the feelings I have for him. I think it’s love, based solely on how hard it is for me to sever ties with him and not feel like my heart is tearing in two. Because when I think about telling him I want to remain friends and stop our affair, I feel almost certain our friendship will end and I’ll lose every trace of what I hoped would one day become mine.
I know he’s never going to be mine, when I force myself to separate the feelings I have for him and the reality of his revelation a few days ago. He’s never going to leave his wife and he’s made things too easy for her so she’ll never leave the comfortable life she has staying married to him.
She can treat him however she pleases and he’ll put up a fight, for a while, then become remorseful and accept her token apology. She’ll threaten, scream, yell, throw her tantrum, bitch at him about everything, and he’ll argue or walk away, but never leave or make her leave.
He says I’m his happiness, his place of refuge, his peace. But it means absolutely nothing. I’m his sexual partner. I’m his release. If I stop allowing him to have sex with me or I find someone else and tell him I’ve decided to have sex with that person, he’ll find someone new. I’ll be cast aside like yesterday’s news.
Therefore, I need to move forward. I need to make decisions for myself, without regard to him and his presence in my life.
I need strength. I need a settled spirit about letting him go. I need to remind myself I will not be his forever, ever. I will be his affair, his sexual partner, his lover.
I need to put one step in front of the other and slowly, deliberately move forward. I need to find the happiness I’m in need of, deserving of.