Resignation

He finally said it.  He admitted he is in no way capable of or willing to change his situation with his wife.  He said he was devastated when his first marriage ended, even though it was he who left.  He told me unless something absolutely horrible and unrecoverable happens, he’s going to remain married.

He explains our relationship as “one like millions of other people have”.  It’s an unconventional, alternative life style.  He says it meets those needs missing from our day-to-day lives.  The only problem is – he has the missing needs – sex.   I have an entire relationship missing.  A full time lover, friend, companion, partner.

I don’t ONLY want a 2 day a week fill-in.  I want a full time, every night beside me in bed full blown relationship.  Someone I can depend on, who I can be counted on to be there for.

Sex is hollow, vacant, lacking when it’s missing love.  Passion is what I want and passion is only present when true feelings co-exist.

I love him.  But I can’t be in love with him.  Any more.

I overheard him tell his wife he loves her.  I know it’s true.  He does love her.  If he didn’t, it would be much easier to end.  He wouldn’t be so upset when they fight and say ugly things to each other.

I tells me he loves me.  But when I hear it now, it makes me think he’s afraid of losing his sexual outlet.  His needs.  The needs I fill for him.  The needs she doesn’t.  He loves what he has with me and doesn’t want it to end.  So telling me what he thinks I want and need to hear is his safety net.

It’s time for me to continue searching for MY forever.  Or at least my right-for-now.  I don’t want to let life pass me by while he’s holding on to his marriage, his wife, his comfortable life.

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