Destination Unknown

Where I will end up or how I will arrive there, I have no idea, but I know I need to change the direction I’m headed and find a better way to get wherever it is I’m going.

I’m unclear about the feelings I have for him.  I think it’s love, based solely on how hard it is for me to sever ties with him and not feel like my heart is tearing in two.  Because when I think about telling him I want to remain friends and stop our affair, I feel almost certain our friendship will end and I’ll lose every trace of what I hoped would one day become mine.

I know he’s never going to be mine, when I force myself to separate the feelings I have for him and the reality of his revelation a few days ago.  He’s never going to leave his wife and he’s made things too easy for her so she’ll never leave the comfortable life she has staying married to him.

She can treat him however she pleases and he’ll put up a fight, for a while, then become remorseful and accept her token apology.  She’ll threaten, scream, yell, throw her tantrum, bitch at him about everything, and he’ll argue or walk away, but never leave or make her leave.

He says I’m his happiness, his place of refuge, his peace.  But it means absolutely nothing.  I’m his sexual partner.  I’m his release.  If I stop allowing him to have sex with me or I find someone else and tell him I’ve decided to have sex with that person, he’ll find someone new.  I’ll be cast aside like yesterday’s news.

Therefore, I need to move forward.  I need to make decisions for myself, without regard to him and his presence in my life.

I need strength.  I need a settled spirit about letting him go.  I need to remind myself I will not be his forever, ever.  I will be his affair, his sexual partner, his lover.

I need to put one step in front of the other and slowly, deliberately move forward.  I need to find the happiness I’m in need of, deserving of.

 

Resignation

He finally said it.  He admitted he is in no way capable of or willing to change his situation with his wife.  He said he was devastated when his first marriage ended, even though it was he who left.  He told me unless something absolutely horrible and unrecoverable happens, he’s going to remain married.

He explains our relationship as “one like millions of other people have”.  It’s an unconventional, alternative life style.  He says it meets those needs missing from our day-to-day lives.  The only problem is – he has the missing needs – sex.   I have an entire relationship missing.  A full time lover, friend, companion, partner.

I don’t ONLY want a 2 day a week fill-in.  I want a full time, every night beside me in bed full blown relationship.  Someone I can depend on, who I can be counted on to be there for.

Sex is hollow, vacant, lacking when it’s missing love.  Passion is what I want and passion is only present when true feelings co-exist.

I love him.  But I can’t be in love with him.  Any more.

I overheard him tell his wife he loves her.  I know it’s true.  He does love her.  If he didn’t, it would be much easier to end.  He wouldn’t be so upset when they fight and say ugly things to each other.

I tells me he loves me.  But when I hear it now, it makes me think he’s afraid of losing his sexual outlet.  His needs.  The needs I fill for him.  The needs she doesn’t.  He loves what he has with me and doesn’t want it to end.  So telling me what he thinks I want and need to hear is his safety net.

It’s time for me to continue searching for MY forever.  Or at least my right-for-now.  I don’t want to let life pass me by while he’s holding on to his marriage, his wife, his comfortable life.

Stagnation

Everything remains the same.  He has no intention of doing anything about his marriage.  He tells me he can’t handle going through a divorce.  With the pressures of his job and the added responsibility he has with his dad, he says he can’t survive a disruption in his personal life.

What that means to me is there’s no hope of us having anything more than the 2 days a week we get when she’s traveling for work.

My life has been a difficult journey the past 6 weeks or so.  I’ve met obstacles more challenging than I’ve had the strength to handle.  As a result, the happy, bubbly person he’s fond of and expects has been absent.  I’ve not had the power or desire to push forward and dig myself out of the pit.

My lease was up at my previous address.  I found a new place and was scheduled to move the first of October, but the new place wasn’t ready and I had to beg for an extension at the previous place as well as make changes to all the move plans I’d secured.  I was living in boxes for 2 weeks with no definite end in sight.

I was scheduled to start back to school to finish my degree, but with the move and all the disruption, I wasn’t able to secure internet and had to postpone until after the first of the year.

My job has become increasingly difficult.  The environment is unbearable.  In addition to working in close proximity to an individual who goes out of her way to be mean, I’m still not doing what I was told I’d been hired to do.  I’m working so far below my experience and skill set, I hate going in every day.

Add to all of that, my ex decided to cause me problems with our son and blame me for something I had nothing to do with.  He made a suggestion I took advantage of and then he regretted it after things were already put in motion and completed.  He tried to bully a change from me and when that wouldn’t work he became belligerent.  I ended up blocking him.

My spirit was broken and I crumbled under the stress.  Never have I felt so lost and alone.  I was ready to throw in the towel.  I didn’t want to take another step.  I didn’t even care if I continued to breath.  I didn’t have the energy to make decisions or even think.

He talked me through it, helped me pick up some of the pieces, offered his help in other ways.

I was finally able to move and get settled.  I found an internet company and had the installation.  I had a weekend after the move to play and relax.  I took a deep breath and made the decision to pick myself up and move forward.

As a result of my renewed spirit and plans to enjoy life, he became upset with me and felt I was moving on without him despite all his help and support during my lowest point.  Selfishly, although he was home with his wife doing things together as a couple, the fact I was out having fun with others made him angry.

He wants me to himself.  He doesn’t want me to find someone to share my time with.  He’s not available for me because he’s with his wife, but he doesn’t want me to be anywhere with anyone.  He says I need to focus on my certification exam, schooling, work, myself.  Translation…want and need him and that be enough.

Can I repeat selfish?!

I tried being open and honest with him about who I was with, what we were doing, where we were going.  I’ve found that is not a good thing.  He says he wants to know, but he gets upset knowing.  So I’ve decided it’s better to not share fully.  Besides, I have no idea if he’s being completely honest with me about his interactions and activities with his wife.

He has his time apart from me, I have my time apart from him, and we have our time together.  That’s the way it has to be.  Until I no longer want to be in the relationship he and I share.