Sick of the Roller Coaster

I don’t know why I continue this relationship.  He’s obviously never going to end his marriage.  It’s more than money, I can’t help but believe.  He’s lying to me.  If things were so horribly wrong, there’s no way he would stay.

They watch movies at home together every weekend – he claims it’s “safe”, him on one couch, her on the other.  He attends family things with her – this past weekend they went to her father’s house to celebrate “birthdays, anniversaries, and Father’s Day” – their anniversary!  And then his older daughter’s family and they had a picnic at the lake. They attend events together – tonight at the local county race track with their Jeep Club. They’re going on vacation together – back to his hometown in Ohio to visit friends and family – she didn’t grown up there.

I was planning to go out tonight.  Looking for a date.  He asked what my plans were and I told him.  He got mad!  So I cancelled.  And then I find out he’s out with her.  I’m SO STUPID!

I’m blogging in hopes of preventing myself from having a knee-jerk reaction and sending him a heated message telling him we’re finished.

I use this to vent!  And vent is what I need to do right now!

He wants me to be exclusively his.  He wants me to “focus on my new job, getting my certification exam scheduled and taken, going back to school”.  He wants all of those things to fill my time.  Oh, and save time for him.  He wants to be my “man time” – no kidding, his words!

Arrogant ass!  It would crush him to know he’s not the best sex I’ve ever had.  I lie and tell him he is because of his ego.  He wants to be the man who pleases me better than any other so I tell him what he wants to hear.  He must need to hear it.  Couple that with the fact I fake orgasm!  He’d be devastated!

Who am I and how have I become this person?

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