I’m on vacation. He’s on vacation. No, we’re not together. I’m traveling with my youngest son to my middle son’s. He’s traveling with his wife to his hometown. We both left our respective homes on Saturday to begin our journeys.
I picked up my son from his off-campus house when he got off work and we drove straight to South Florida. We arrived at my middle son’s home a little after 11:00pm that night.
He drove bits and pieces, stopping for site-seeing and bike rides not arriving in Ohio until yesterday early evening.
We messaged back and forth every day, most of the day. He sent me pictures and details of his adventures and I did the same. His were things he was finding on his rides and mine were of my days at the beach.
A little after 9:00 pm last night, after exchanging funny little messages, I received a very upsetting message. His mom died suddenly. He was going to bed to leave early this morning to drive back home. No warning, no illness. She was alive and then she was gone.
She was his biggest champion, his biggest supporter. She longed for him to be happy and feared for him in his marriage. She was the recipient of many of his wife’s hateful tirades and she refused to come to his home when she was there.
He’d said many times how he knew his mom would love me, how he wanted me to meet her and his dad, but he was afraid to allow that to happen until his wife left or he left her. He didn’t want them put in a position of not being able to defend him in court should his wife battle the divorce.
Now I’ll never have that opportunity! He’s missed so many chances to spend time with her because of his wife and will no longer have the chance.
I’ve only heard from him, briefly, twice today. First thing early this morning and once when they stopped to stretch their legs. I know he’s rushing to get home and to his dad’s. I feel so bad for him! I know his heart is breaking and mine is breaking for him and the great loss he’s experienced.
My mom was my very best friend and she passed away 4 years ago the 12th of this same month. No matter how many years have passed, I will always miss her and feel the pain on every anniversary of her death as well as her birthday which was the 21st of this month.
Now he and I will share this month of painful memories.
I want to be able to wrap him in my arms, hold him and provide what little comfort I can. But I’m the mistress. I’m the one no one but him can know about. And right now he’s surrounded by his real family.
I fear losing his mom will cause the fight to go out of him and he’ll decide to become more complacent about his wife and what’s wrong in their marriage. He may even decide having the affair with me is no longer a risk he’s willing to take.
Or this may be the catalyst it takes to make him decide life is too short and unpredictable to live in a marriage less than he wants and deserves and he’ll decide to end it regardless of the financial cost.
Either way, I’m scared. I’m afraid of losing him. I’m upset because I can’t comfort him and be near him. I’m sad because I’ll never get the chance to thank his mom for the amazing son she raised. I’ll never get to show her, assure her, prove to her how important he is to me and how much I love him.