Always the mistress, never anything more

He met with the attorney yesterday.  His fears were confirmed.  Unless he arrives at an amicable agreement with his wife, she will get 50% of everything, regardless of her lack of contribution financially to the marriage and in spite of her violence and destructive behavior.

Therefore, he’s staying.  He’s hoping the marriage will come to a more natural end.  He’s not divorcing her.  As such, I’m left to continue being the mistress or I will have to choose to end my relationship with him.

He’s chosen money over me.

He says he loves me, wants us to continue as we are, to never lose what we have.  He says we have a connection far beyond sex, one day we will have more.  He offered several times to provide me with a home, a place to live, he offered me money. Generous, but not what I want.  He cheapened us, cheapened me.

I told him I wouldn’t accept anything from him, I would pay my own way.  I told him I wanted him, a normal, dating relationship.  I don’t want to rush things, but I do want to have the chance to find out if what we feel for each other, what I feel for him and what he tells me he feels for me, is real and not driven by sexual needs and desires.

His concession was for us to share our 2 days a week, perhaps more, when he could arrange it.  He’d have me join his bowling league, he’d go “fishing” every other Saturday, arrange to go out with “the guys”.

All good and well, providing us with more time, yet he’d remain married.  I’d continue to be in hiding.  She’d continue to be his wife and I’d remain his mistress.

My heart is breaking, ripping out of my chest.  Love isn’t supposed to hurt this bad.  I never should have believed he was leaving his wife, divorcing her.  I never should have allowed myself to fall in love with him.  I should have maintained perspective, saw our relationship, our “encounters”, for what they are.

Again, I’m back to the fool.  The mistress who believed she meant more than what she was ever intended to be.


6 thoughts on “Always the mistress, never anything more

  1. You deserve more and far better than that. I feel that if he really wanted to walk away from that marriage, giving up half of everything would be nothing compared to the happiness he could have. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He get’s a full-time marriage and a part time mistress. What do you get? Lonely nights when he can’t slip away.


    • I’m patient, for now. He’s asked me to marry him, when this second comes to an end. I’d said I didn’t want a 3rd marriage, it was unnecessary, but he’s asked if I’d agree if he asked and I said for him I would. I am in love with him, he is good to me, good for me. He gives me every free minute, is making much more tinge for me, is doing so more now in order to prove his commitment to me. He knows I feel his money is not as important as happiness and his choice to delay, wait for her to leave, hurts me. Hurting me upsets him. It’s not an easy road, but for now he’s worth it.

      Liked by 1 person

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