Yesterday started out like any other day then rapidly imploded!
I received information from a “friend” about him, something he’d denied, not simply avoided. It was unsolicited by me, but provided all the same…to “protect” me. He’d lied! If he’d never brought the matter up in the first place or never used it as a means to complain about his wife, it wouldn’t have been such an affront.
I tried to deal with my emotions alone, process, not confront him, but rather avoid him until I’d had time to think the matter through. My mistake was reacting! I sent him a message stating I felt like such a fool, an idiot, I was hurt. Nothing more.
He responded with short messages, questions. Repeatedly. Then he called. I tried to avoid him, tell him I was fine, would be fine, but needed to deal with the “matter”. I didn’t give him a straight answer, didn’t tell him what hurt me, why I’d sent the message.
I received a call I’d been waiting for and was able to get off the phone with him abruptly. But only temporarily avoiding the inevitable.
He called again, after messaging several times which I didn’t respond to. Again, I tried to not say anything, gauge my emotions, process what I’d discovered. He pushed, wanted to know who I was upset by, with, asked if it was him. I finally answered yes.
He didn’t understand what he’d done to upset me, what he might have said that had hurt me. I told him I’d been lied to. He’d lied. I told him what I’d found out and how. He was instantly defensive, felt he’d been “injured” by my “friend’s” digging for the information. Then he was upset I’d discussed him with someone.
I explained how the information had been discovered. How I’d not betrayed him, but instead had shared my relationship with someone I’d known for quite a while. No secrets, no risk. I explained I’d given her his first name. Her innocent attempt at helping me had caused her to come across his last name. Her not-so-innocent additional search had discovered what she thought was information I needed to know…his marital status.
His anger was exaggerated, more than I felt was justified given his blatant lie about a subject that was in essence a non-issue had he been upfront and honest to begin with.
We solved nothing on the phone and he was forced to end the call to start on the return trip home from his business trip. He was a passenger with other co-workers and unable to continue with an audience.
He messaged, I replied, we went back and forth. Things became angrier and more distressing. I told him he was free of me, if that’s what he required for my “grievance” of sharing with a friend.
He felt I had placed him at risk, risk he’d done everything to avoid, the very reason he’d lied to me. I assured him I’d not placed him at risk, I’d done nothing to encourage her, she’d acted recklessly, of her own accord. I further explained I had far more “cards to play” against her should she do anything to hurt either he or I.
We came to an impasse. I apologized, accepted his apology, but knew we’d come to an end. He claimed not, but I could not see a remedy, a repair. I was broken – heart, mind, and spirit. I found myself out of control, emotionally. I was inconsolable. The end of what I hoped was going in a more positive direction.
I walked, cried, drank, walked some more, drank much more, cried lots more.
He called once he was back to his own car, driving alone towards home. I couldn’t hide the fact I was upset. I couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t pull myself together. Showed weakness I hate! Gave him his leave, told him to forget about me, to let me to my grief. He refused.
After trying for over an hour, doing everything he could to dissuade me from letting him go, telling him to find someone else, he made the decision to come to my home. I told him not to come, to stay away, I was finished, not worth his time. He came anyway.
He sat beside me, held me, told me the only way I would be done with him was if I looked him in the eye and told him I no longer loved him. I couldn’t. I do love him. I don’t want to be finished with him. I don’t want him to be finished with me. He told me he loved me.
I cried some more, for the silliness of the day, for the useless knowledge I’d obtained and thought was a big deal, for almost losing the man I love!
We came inside, went to bed, made love for hours. We lay beside each other after our bodies were spent, fell asleep in each other’s arms. I rested, fitfully, exhausted from tears and sadness.
I was awake when I felt him stir beside me. He reached across, touched me, caressed me, hugged me. We made love again, hungrily. All upset from the previous day forgiven, excused.