Normal, in an abnormal situation

Long holiday weekend.  I’ve had something scheduled every day.  I hiked Friday during the day and went out that night with a friend.  Yesterday I hiked all day with a group I’ve joined and went out for a late lunch following.  Today I was busy from 10 until 7. Tomorrow I have plans as well.

He got finished with work early Friday.  His wife was home all weekend and will be tomorrow as well.  Her schedule changed because of the holiday.  She’ll work Tuesday thru Thursday this week.

They had “couples” things they needed to attend – things expected of them outside of his control and within what he’s trying to do to keep the peace.  Not exactly perfect as far as I’m concerned, but nothing I can do about it.

He has kept in touch, closely.  He wasn’t thrilled about my Friday evening, said it worries him when I’m out with friends, knowing there’s a chance I might meet someone, decide I no longer want what we have.

The original plans he had, or told me about for the weekend, changed.  He’d told me his plans were to keep them “occupied” with others so they wouldn’t need to be alone all weekend.  He wanted, needed, the distraction from having to deal one-on-one with her. As it ended up, he worked in the yard, in his shop, and at his RV lot doing repairs on the deck and keeping busy.

He will be with me Tuesday and Wednesday evenings this week after work.  We haven’t talked about whether or not we’ll share dinner.  Hopefully yes.  I enjoy cooking for him. And I get to be creative with dessert as well.  He likes to eat so it’s fun to watch him enjoy what I make.

I am pleased with myself for not being upset about his weekend with her.  I’m trying to be as understanding as I can, accepting of his circumstance.  Ideally I wish she’d decide to leave.  Or he’d decide his money isn’t worth staying with her in a miserable marriage. Either way, I want to be with him as much and as often as I can and he’s available.

We don’t have a traditional relationship.  We’re not conventional and aren’t able to have a normal, out in the open date.  We have to sneak around, watch for people he might know, or people who might know them.  We can’t go to places in our “in common” parts of town.

I want things to be different, but I also want to be happy in my current circumstances.  I want to be everything to him and for him we both need.  He makes me happy.  He tells me I make him the happiest he’s ever been.  We are both fulfilling something we’ve lacked and desire.

For as long as I can, and am still willing, and for as long as we’re forced to remain in this holding pattern, I will be what he needs and wants from me in this abnormal life we’re living.

 

 

Patiently waiting

He got back home last Saturday afternoon.  I heard little.  He had much to get done both around the house and for work.  The convention was productive and informative, but placed an added burden on him.  He still had a week’s worth of work to do and was given additional responsibility in line with a promotion he’s working hard to obtain.

Sunday was the same.  Very little communication.

By Monday I was a little more than a bit annoyed.  The lack of effort during the week to take 5 minutes of his time to call before going to bed and the absent communication after he returned home and had opportunity was starting to cause me to wonder about his interest and position with regard to our relationship.

I sent a good morning message and asked if he and his wife had made peace.  I was concerned they might have been dealing with “world war 3” issues and wondered if he was safe.  Additionally, given his meeting with the attorney the previous Monday, I worried he’d decided to rekindle his relationship with her to avoid losing 50%.  Especially since he seemed to be distancing himself from me.

My message was not taken well.  Rather than understanding I was concerned about him, as well as us, he felt I was pushing a “time line” and forcing him to choose me over his money.  A lot of implication and definitely not the reason I asked.  The rest of the day, communication was strained, but minimally salvaged.

He came over late, no dinner.  He was distant.  It was uncomfortable.

The short version, he was distracted all week at the convention by me.  He couldn’t think clearly and concentrate on what he should have been because he was concerned about us.  He felt he was hurting me by not divorcing his wife immediately and potentially losing me as a result.

I told him all I’d been concentrating on all week was his making new contacts and progress with existing clients along with furthering his career with his company by proving his worth to them.  I was sending him well wishes and positive thoughts while he was troubled and unable to relax thinking I was home and upset.

In the end, if he’d simply placed a call, spoken with me about what was on his mind, brought up what was bothering him in a message, we could have discussed it and I could have put his mind and heart at ease so he could have enjoyed the rest of his convention.

I told him regardless of his continued marital status, his decision to allow it to end on it’s own, in it’s own time, I was willing to wait.  He is worth it to me.  I still want him in any capacity, in every way I have had, without interruption.

Rather than losing him, which I assumed was going to happen, we were able to put his fears and mine to rest.

Tuesday was a much better day messaging back and forth the same as always, with easy and normal banter. Tuesday night was terrific.  I made dinner, we chatted, listened to music in bed, shared favorite artists and songs from our past, then made love.  We fell asleep cuddling, wrapped in each other’s arms, and woke to make love again before he showered and left for home to work.

Today was even better.  It feels great being reconnected.  Our messaging was fun, relaxing, and has given me a renewed commitment to our affair.  He went out after work to run errands and called me.  He wanted to hear my voice which made me smile!

 

 

 

Explaining what appears to be an unattainable love

My heart, my soul, my love is away at a convention this week.  It’s an important event for his company as well as an important opportunity for him to achieve great success and promotion as a result.  His time will be pressed from dawn until dark and he will be stressed physically each day.

I had brief messages from him yesterday, all day long, as he drove to the convention.  He kept me apprised of his whereabouts, his journey, his safety.  He was driving, traveling with another co-worker.  His limited ability to communicate did not prevent him from messaging, from keeping in touch, being connected with me.

Today the convention is underway.  Aside from his expected duties, the day started bright and early for my love with an added meeting he had not planned for, a fire to be extinguished, before he could begin the matter at hand.

I started his day with a message, a good morning wish, as I always do.  I want to be his rock, his foundation, his comfort, his constant.  I want to support him as only I can from where I am and in the position I hold in his life.  I want to be his sunshine, his brightness, his laughter, his release.

All those things he’s missed out on, longed for, dreamed of, desired.  He’s found them in me and he’s made note of it many times over.  Commented on my optimism, my spirit of joy, my longing for happiness even in difficult situations.  He relishes in my positive attitude, my caring, my nurturing.

I am only me, with him, for him.  I don’t pretend to be anything other than who I am.  I won’t pretend to be someone I’m not in order to win him, it wouldn’t serve to keep him if I were to falsely act now differently than I will in the future.  I want him to want to be with me of his own accord, his own knowledge, his own decision.

Right now, I get the best of him.  He trusts me with his deepest thoughts, his most private feelings.  He shares his dreams, his sorrows, his joys.  I hear of his unrest, his unsettled heart, his discomfort in his marriage.  He comes to me when he’s most in fear of her violence and destructive nature.

I have become his safe place, physically, emotionally, sexually.  I will remain so for as long as he has need.  And when the need passes, I  will become his home.  My heart will be given over to him and I will accept his heart in return, more deeply and fully than we already have.

He is worth everything to me.  His heart is tender, loving, kind.  He is no more and no less a victim of his circumstances than I am, yet we find ourselves at different stages of conclusion.

I will not turn my back on him.  He is my best friend, first and foremost.  I will allow him to work through his predicament.  There will be a catalyst.  There will be something that occurs forcing his hand and bringing an end to his unhappy, dangerous marriage.

And I will be at his side, supporting him, providing comfort, a shoulder, an ear.

 

 

 

 

Always the mistress, never anything more

He met with the attorney yesterday.  His fears were confirmed.  Unless he arrives at an amicable agreement with his wife, she will get 50% of everything, regardless of her lack of contribution financially to the marriage and in spite of her violence and destructive behavior.

Therefore, he’s staying.  He’s hoping the marriage will come to a more natural end.  He’s not divorcing her.  As such, I’m left to continue being the mistress or I will have to choose to end my relationship with him.

He’s chosen money over me.

He says he loves me, wants us to continue as we are, to never lose what we have.  He says we have a connection far beyond sex, one day we will have more.  He offered several times to provide me with a home, a place to live, he offered me money. Generous, but not what I want.  He cheapened us, cheapened me.

I told him I wouldn’t accept anything from him, I would pay my own way.  I told him I wanted him, a normal, dating relationship.  I don’t want to rush things, but I do want to have the chance to find out if what we feel for each other, what I feel for him and what he tells me he feels for me, is real and not driven by sexual needs and desires.

His concession was for us to share our 2 days a week, perhaps more, when he could arrange it.  He’d have me join his bowling league, he’d go “fishing” every other Saturday, arrange to go out with “the guys”.

All good and well, providing us with more time, yet he’d remain married.  I’d continue to be in hiding.  She’d continue to be his wife and I’d remain his mistress.

My heart is breaking, ripping out of my chest.  Love isn’t supposed to hurt this bad.  I never should have believed he was leaving his wife, divorcing her.  I never should have allowed myself to fall in love with him.  I should have maintained perspective, saw our relationship, our “encounters”, for what they are.

Again, I’m back to the fool.  The mistress who believed she meant more than what she was ever intended to be.

 

What a difference 24 hours makes

Yesterday started out like any other day then rapidly imploded!

I received information from a “friend” about him, something he’d denied, not simply avoided.  It was unsolicited by me, but provided all the same…to “protect” me.  He’d lied! If he’d never brought the matter up in the first place or never used it as a means to complain about his wife, it wouldn’t have been such an affront.

I tried to deal with my emotions alone, process, not confront him, but rather avoid him until I’d had time to think the matter through.  My mistake was reacting!  I sent him a message stating I felt like such a fool, an idiot, I was hurt.  Nothing more.

He responded with short messages, questions.  Repeatedly.  Then he called.  I tried to avoid him, tell him I was fine, would be fine, but needed to deal with the “matter”.  I didn’t give him a straight answer, didn’t tell him what hurt me, why I’d sent the message.

I received a call I’d been waiting for and was able to get off the phone with him abruptly. But only temporarily avoiding the inevitable.

He called again, after messaging several times which I didn’t respond to.  Again, I tried to not say anything, gauge my emotions, process what I’d discovered.  He pushed, wanted to know who I was upset by, with, asked if it was him.  I finally answered yes.

He didn’t understand what he’d done to upset me, what he might have said that had hurt me.  I told him I’d been lied to.  He’d lied.  I told him what I’d found out and how.  He was instantly defensive, felt he’d been “injured” by my “friend’s” digging for the information. Then he was upset I’d discussed him with someone.

I explained how the information had been discovered.  How I’d not betrayed him, but instead had shared my relationship with someone I’d known for quite a while.  No secrets, no risk.  I explained I’d given her his first name.  Her innocent attempt at helping me had caused her to come across his last name.  Her not-so-innocent additional search had discovered what she thought was information I needed to know…his marital status.

His anger was exaggerated, more than I felt was justified given his blatant lie about a subject that was in essence a non-issue had he been upfront and honest to begin with.

We solved nothing on the phone and he was forced to end the call to start on the return trip home from his business trip.  He was a passenger with other co-workers and unable to continue with an audience.

He messaged, I replied, we went back and forth.  Things became angrier and more distressing.  I told him he was free of me, if that’s what he required for my “grievance” of sharing with a friend.

He felt I had placed him at risk, risk he’d done everything to avoid, the very reason he’d lied to me.  I assured him I’d not placed him at risk, I’d done nothing to encourage her, she’d acted recklessly, of her own accord.  I further explained I had far more “cards to play” against her should she do anything to hurt either he or I.

We came to an impasse.  I apologized, accepted his apology, but knew we’d come to an end.  He claimed not, but I could not see a remedy, a repair.  I was broken – heart, mind, and spirit.  I found myself out of control, emotionally.  I was inconsolable.  The end of what I hoped was going in a more positive direction.

I walked, cried, drank, walked some more, drank much more, cried lots more.

He called once he was back to his own car, driving alone towards home.  I couldn’t hide the fact I was upset.  I couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t pull myself together.  Showed weakness I hate!  Gave him his leave, told him to forget about me, to let me to my grief. He refused.

After trying for over an hour, doing everything he could to dissuade me from letting him go, telling him to find someone else, he made the decision to come to my home.  I told him not to come, to stay away, I was finished, not worth his time.  He came anyway.

He sat beside me, held me, told me the only way I would be done with him was if I looked him in the eye and told him I no longer loved him.  I couldn’t.  I do love him.  I don’t want to be finished with him.  I don’t want him to be finished with me.  He told me he loved me.

I cried some more, for the silliness of the day, for the useless knowledge I’d obtained and thought was a big deal, for almost losing the man I love!

We came inside, went to bed, made love for hours.  We lay beside each other after our bodies were spent, fell asleep in each other’s arms.  I rested, fitfully, exhausted from tears and sadness.

I was awake when I felt him stir beside me.  He reached across, touched me, caressed me, hugged me.  We made love again, hungrily.  All upset from the previous day forgiven, excused.

 

 

 

 

 

Only in death

We had a very nice weekend.  Spent all of Saturday together, both day and night.  We drove to a favorite place of mine, a Mennonite community with a farmer’s market.  I’d mentioned it to him in the past and he wanted to experience it with me.  After buying several different kinds of produce, we went for a hike along the Ocoee River in the gorge. We hiked and talked for several hours.  I love hearing him talk and he wanted to share about his past, his history.

He wants me to get to know him, know who he was, who he is, who he wants to become. He’s sharing with me about his aspirations, wishes, dreams.  He already tells me about his days, his nights, his family, his friends, his activities.  He wants me to know all the things he wants to do, how he wants me involved, wants me along for the journey ahead.

In the middle of the night, around 3:00 am, he woke up, or so I thought, and said “I’m so tired!”  I asked why, and he mumbled, “life”.  He fell right back off, or deeper, since he actually was sleep-talking.  I, on the other hand, was up the rest of the night worried about the implications of what he said.

I found out the next morning when I asked him about it.  He had no recollection.  I told him what he said and he said he wasn’t surprised after the week he’d had with work and preparation for 2 upcoming business trips on top of the previous weekend battling with his wife.

I told him about my night, my reaction, my worries that my presence in his life was causing complications to his already crazy, out-of-control life.  He said he immediately wondered if that’s where my mind had gone.  He reassured me without me in his life, his constant, he’d not be able to continue.  He not only wanted me in his life, he needed me in his life now and always.

He left that morning to finish packing and drive to meet peers to travel together for the first meeting, an annual planning summit in Myrtle Beach.  He sent me a message reassuring me “death is the only way you will never have me in your life”.  He wants me to know he is sincere, he “cherishes” me, he feels cherished by me.

We’ve talked about not rushing our relationship.  He knows his parents want his divorce.  They don’t like his wife, they fear for his safety with her, they know how horrible she treats him.  They want him to be with someone who loves him, treats him as if he’s the most important thing in their life, but they also might not be supportive of his jumping right back into a committed relationship.

His daughters don’t like his wife.  The older only comes around or allows her around for his sake.  The younger won’t come around at all.  She has never liked her and has been vocal with him about her dislike and distrust of her.  She pegged her from the beginning, saw her true character, tried to warn him.  He was blind to what she saw.  He knows both of his daughters want him to be happy, to be loved, but they also will not be okay with him jumping right back into a committed relationship.

I have reasons of my own for not rushing things.  I receive alimony from my ex, support for the 19 years of marriage we shared, for the final five years of complete disconnect he created, for taking care of him following his accident, subsequent surgery, and then disability.  I deserve it for everything he said and did and didn’t say and didn’t do.

A condition of my receiving it is I don’t live with anyone or get remarried.  If either occurs, the alimony stops.  My ex moved in with his girlfriend before I ever filed for divorce, but if I so much as move in with someone or move someone in with me I’m penalized.

So although we both love each other, know our feelings are real and true and know we want to spend the rest of our lives together, we are forced into moving slowly and taking things at a rate others around us will be better able to handle – those who have no way of knowing about the months we’ve already spent getting to know each other and falling in love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turmoil and uncertainty

He’s scheduled his appointment with the attorney.  He has no idea if she’s done so.

She’s made some feeble attempts at playing nice.  She’s suggested counseling for them both and she’s mentioned her going to see a doctor about “anxiety” medication.  She’s reached out to a brother she alienated 9 years ago and is trying to reach out to other family members she pushed away or ran off.

He has seen similar responses from her in the past when they’ve had a major break, but he’d never gotten to the point of being finished like he is now.  She’s aware of the change in him and he says she’s obviously very frightened of the impact a divorce will have on her current lifestyle.

She no longer will be able to work 2-3 days a week and take 4 months off from October to February every year.  She’ll have to move and find a place to live she can afford and not have the luxury of his income to support her frequent trips and leisure activities.

He’s making calculated moves, protecting his interests, his personal safety given her violent mood swings.  He’s staying away from home more, for longer periods of time, avoiding confrontation and conflict that might escalate.

I’ve been able to spend much of this time with him.  He’s keeping me apprised of all the decisions he’s making, what, why.  He’s reassured me I am not the reason he’s divorcing her, she is.  Her anger, her bad attitude, her negative outlook, her critical nature, her volatility and violence.

He does tell me he loves me, that I’m a breath of fresh air, my personality and happy nature are a 180 degree difference, and he’s able to relax and breath around me.  He loves the intimacy and physical connection we share, but more so than that it’s the friendship we’ve built.

He’s never had anyone care for him, cherish him, appreciate him the way I do.  I feel exactly the same about the way he treats me.  We are a perfect fit!  We laugh, we cry, we share.  We appreciate all the little things about each other that often get overlooked.  We have the same desire for family and friends, for interaction and contribution.

I don’t want to rush things and he needs to do what must be done to separate himself from her.  He needs to seek the guidance of his attorney, do what he must to protect himself and all he’s rebuilt following his first divorce.  He needs to do things the right way this time.

The first time he let his emotions dictate what he thought was right.  His first wife was the mother of his daughters.  He did what he felt was in the best interest of his girls.  He didn’t insist upon setting the funds aside specifically for the girls thinking their mother would do the right thing and use his support for them.  That never happened.

There are no children from this marriage.  There are no connections apart from the 8 years they’ve been married – 8 years of arguing, discord, lack of intimacy, isolation and alienation of friends and family.

He feels he’s failed yet again, but I remind him daily there are two people in every situation responsible for either success or failure of a marriage.  She pushed him over and over again, took him for granted, abused his kindness and generosity, refused to accept responsibility and compromise.

He’s a caring, loving, nurturing man.  He’s creative, gentle, kind.  Her broken spirit and angry nature drove him away and made him become a lonely, unhappy man.  In his loneliness and unhappiness, he sought a friend, someone to talk to, connect with, never imagining he’d fall in love.  And then we met!

I’m on this journey with him, to help him remain focused and not get down, to encourage him and remind him he’s not the person she wants him to believe he is in order to make herself feel better.

There are going to be obstacles, hurtles, speed bumps, but I’m his friend first and foremost and I’ve promised him to be along to provide whatever support he needs along the way.  He’s worth it to me and my love runs deeper than any struggles to be faced during this journey.