I’m afraid of the unknown for him

Things are deteriorating rapidly at his home.  She is becoming increasingly more angry, saying very hurtful things, treating him horribly, abusing him verbally.  He’s miserable, grasping at straws, trying to figure a way out off their failed marriage with the least amount of collateral damage as possible.

Yesterday she disappeared for the day, leaving only a sticky note that she was out.  No details, no timing for her return.  He had meetings all day, from 8:00 am to 3:30 pm. Following work, he had to run to town to pickup supplies for a guy scheduled early this morning to finish a new dog run for their dog.

She returned after he got back home and was finished unloading the supplies.  They didn’t exchange words, in fact, didn’t speak.  He decided to leave rather than hide in the barn or dealing with the uncomfortable silence of being in his own home and waiting for the next confrontation to occur.

He messaged he was gone, going for a long ride, getting away for the night.  I offered to go along, listen if he needed to vent, remain quiet if he simply wanted to not think about any of it.  He took me up on the offer and picked me up.

We went and got his hair cut first then went to dinner.  We talked about lots of things, but avoided talking about her and their marriage.  The stress he’s facing, the pressure and the weight of his situation, was palpable.

I asked if he wanted to go to the park and walk, ride around the lake, anything.  He wanted to come back to my place and relax.  We sat on my couch in the growing darkness and I allowed him to talk.

He shared stories from his past, his life until now, some I’d heard before, others I didn’t recall.  He asked if there was anything I needed to know about him, any questions I needed to ask.  He wanted to be sure I was comfortable with him and was still interested in continuing my relationship with him.  I told him there was nothing he could say that would make me not feel the way I do.

We finally talked about how things were right now, our marriages, my divorces, his first divorce and his impending second.  He talked about how negative and judgmental his current wife is and how I’m always happy and settled and easy to be around.  He said how much different it was being around each of us and how wrong their marriage had always been, from the moment they said “I do”.

She picked out the ring he was to buy, when he was to give it to her, how he was to propose.  There was no spontaneity, no passion, no surprise.  He said she steered it from the beginning and he should have known something was wrong, but he was hopeful and wanted to believe she was right for him.

They were buying a house together, getting married, getting ready to start their journey. It should have been a happy time.  Instead, the minute they were married, she stopped being the sweet, caring girlfriend and became a demanding, controlling, angry wife.  She revealed her true personality and the stories she’d told him about the end of her first marriage started making sense and became clear what fault she’d actually played in it’s end.

On Thursday, he mentioned he needed to find a different attorney, one more ruthless and interested in protecting his interests than the one he’d been seeking counsel from.  I told him about the attorney I had used and how well respected she was.  I also told him about her aggressive nature in dealing with difficult marriages/divorces and told him I’d forward her name and contact information.  If nothing else, it was an option.

He started talking about taking out a loan against the house to pay his wife off, what he’d do alternatively if he needed to sell the house, move, where he’d go, what he’d do.  I told him to stop until he spoke with the attorney, how it was a waste of time, energy, and unnecessary stress to plan anything until he’d talked with her and knew if there was a need to.

He asked me if I was sure I wanted him.  I looked into his eyes, told him how I wished he could see himself through my eyes, how amazing he was and how much I care for him.  I told him I was his, committed to us, no matter what he had or didn’t have.  I reminded him “stuff” doesn’t matter, it can’t go with us in the end, and whether we had everything or nothing, as long as we’re together I had all I’ve ever dreamed of.

Time passed all too quickly and he was exhausted.  He thanked me for spending time with him, for listening, for loving him.  He needed to go home and sleep.  We held each other, kissed briefly, tenderly.

He messaged he was home safe and was going to sleep, with one eye open!  Her volatility a constant fear.  I told him to leave and go somewhere safe for the night, I worry about him.  He tried to lighten the mood and said he’d be okay, “stairs creak”.  Not a comfort!

It needs to end, no matter the cost.  He needs to be safe in his own home.  He needs to be free to live the rest of his days in peace.  He needs to be happy, whatever that is for him. Regardless of my presence or not in his life, he needs to do it for his own well being.  I care more for him than being concerned with whether or not we remain together.  I love him enough to sacrifice myself and my happiness in order for him to be in a better place.





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