I haven’t blogged in a while. Why? Because of the judgement of a reader. And why did I allow their comment to upset me? Because I was already feeling confused about my situation and my decision to be involved in an affair.
The reader left 4 simple words, “Have some self respect.”
There was nothing more. No words of advice, no wisdom, no further condemnation. Only 4 simple, but thought provoking words. I don’t know who the reader is. As far as I know, they hadn’t read my story from the beginning. Honestly, it doesn’t matter who they are. What matters is what those 4 words caused me to do…pause.
After lots of thought and reflection, I know I’m where I want to be. I’m with who I choose to be with. He’s my heart, my soul, my love. He’s who I want in my life. It’s not the ideal relationship, right now, but isn’t anything great worth waiting for? investing time in? fighting for?
Our time together is wonderful. It’s easy and it’s real. I matter to him and he matters to me. We both know in a perfect world, we would have met years ago, fallen madly in love and spent the rest of our lives raising a family, creating memories, growing old together.
We don’t live in a perfect world so we make the best of the one we do live in and the manner in which we did meet in the circumstances we’re faced with.
Neither of us knows how the future will play out. No one does. We do know we want it to be a future spent loving each other, sharing the rest of our lives together, the ups, the downs, the in-between times where everything coasts easily along. I can’t imagine him not being a part of my life and he can’t imagine me being gone from his.
Yes, it’s messy and complicated, unpredictable and uncertain, but tell me a life that isn’t. I didn’t think my life would be as it is when I started out. It’s taken so many twists and turns I could never have imagined being where I am at this junction of my journey.
I do have self respect. I am a strong woman. I’m intelligent, determined, and head strong. If I didn’t trust he loves me when he tells me he does, I’d walk away. He’s ready for things to change. I’m ready for things to change. And they will change when they’re supposed to.
Until then, I will continue to look forward to Mondays and Tuesdays. I will anticipate the unexpected additional times we’re able to spend together because of routine scheduling changes. I’ll cherish the emails, phone calls, and messages he leaves. I’ll enjoy the trips we’re able to take together and the experiences we’ll have the chance to share.
Why? Because he means that much to me and because I choose to. Don’t judge what you don’t understand. Until you’ve been where I am now, you have no idea the courage it takes to be committed to a married man you may never have all to yourself or how long you may have to wait for things to change.