She did come home last Thursday.  He went bowling.  We didn’t even talk while he was there.

I went out of town this weekend.  He messaged often, to keep in touch with me.  He even sent me his “schedule” for the next 4-5 weeks.  Wanted to keep me “informed”.  I haven’t commented.

What I started to say was “thanks, but I know it’s subject to change”.  That’s what I wanted to say.  I wanted to point out we’d not seen each other for two weeks because plans had changed.  I didn’t.  I left it unsaid.

I still want to see him.  I want to spend time with him.  I want to have a future with him. Why am I still hopeful?  Because I want to be.  He’s who I want.  He’s the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I believe him when he tells me they are no longer in love and they have a horrible marriage.  I believe him when he tells me it will end sooner rather than later.

I’m focusing on the “maybe”.  The potential.  The opportunity he’ll end with her and be free to see if we have more than what we have now.

There are no guarantees.  Not that they will get divorced.  Not that he’ll choose to stay with me if they do.  Not that if he does, things will work out for the future for us.


3 thoughts on “Maybe

  1. I’d never judge anyone. And Iv been in “her” position. And actually I understand why it happened. So I’m not bitter…. But you have the patience of a saint. And endless hope for what might be. Do you find that difficult?


    • It’s extremely difficult! If I didn’t believe him, if I didn’t hear the fear in his voice at what she might do, if he hadn’t shared things she’s done in the past, if I thought I were really wasting my time investing in this relationship, I’d give up and move on. He’s given me personal information in the event something horrible should happen, if she snaps like she’s done before and I don’t hear from him, a way to contact his parents to find out why I’ve not heard from him. Something he’s comfortable and safe doing because he knows I won’t compromise his precarious position. She’s staying for his financial support. Not because she loves him. Not because she cares. She’s threatened to leave many times, given him ultimatums. She’s systematically pushed everyone away he might become friends with, who might witness the way she treats him, isolated him. I’ll give him time – he’s worth it to me – but once I reach my end, he’ll need to make the choice. Toughen up and take his chances, risk her anger, risk losing everything, in order to be free. I hate being second, but for now I’m willing to wait. For now.

      Liked by 1 person

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