Accepting disappointment comes with the territory

As I expected, his plans changed and I won’t be joining him on this business trip.  The “logistics” he alluded to in his message from 2 days ago finally became more clear causing him to rethink my coming along and he decided it “wouldn’t be fair to me”.  Something about a dinner Sunday night, meetings Monday, early check out Tuesday.

The details don’t matter.  What matters is him not wanting me to come along.  If for only the nights together, it would be enough for me.

When I mentioned us not seeing each other for 2 weeks, he had a fit.  He got upset with me and said then we might as well “not bother seeing each other any more”.  Funny, but that’s exactly where we are and it’s on him.  I wonder if he even remembers the conversation!

In the message he sent about the change in plans for this weekend, he did say he’d see me Sunday morning.  I guess that was his concession for my not going.  He’d grace me with his presence in a minimal way.  Bits and pieces.  What I get and should expect.

Then tonight, not a phone call, but another message.  His oldest daughter was in labor. I congratulated him on what will be his third grandson fully aware this will mean I won’t see him on Sunday either.  He’ll need to visit her and the baby in the hospital before leaving on business.

Back to 2 weeks of not seeing each other.

If I remind him of our previous conversation when I said we could reconnect after 2 weeks apart, he’ll think I’m being petty.  He’ll say he can’t help what’s happened.  He planned to see me, but it didn’t work out.  It’ll be excusable.  Because it’s him making the changes.

I want him, but I’m beginning to think I’ll be better off without him.  Having only a tiny portion of him is too painful.  Having plans constantly change, expectations going unmet, not hearing his voice for days.  I ache for him.  I don’t want to feel this bad when all I should be feeling is good about being in a relationship with him.

I hate disappointment.  I hate hurting.  I hate wanting and not getting.  I have to make tough decisions I dread.




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