I’m afraid of the unknown for him

Things are deteriorating rapidly at his home.  She is becoming increasingly more angry, saying very hurtful things, treating him horribly, abusing him verbally.  He’s miserable, grasping at straws, trying to figure a way out off their failed marriage with the least amount of collateral damage as possible.

Yesterday she disappeared for the day, leaving only a sticky note that she was out.  No details, no timing for her return.  He had meetings all day, from 8:00 am to 3:30 pm. Following work, he had to run to town to pickup supplies for a guy scheduled early this morning to finish a new dog run for their dog.

She returned after he got back home and was finished unloading the supplies.  They didn’t exchange words, in fact, didn’t speak.  He decided to leave rather than hide in the barn or dealing with the uncomfortable silence of being in his own home and waiting for the next confrontation to occur.

He messaged he was gone, going for a long ride, getting away for the night.  I offered to go along, listen if he needed to vent, remain quiet if he simply wanted to not think about any of it.  He took me up on the offer and picked me up.

We went and got his hair cut first then went to dinner.  We talked about lots of things, but avoided talking about her and their marriage.  The stress he’s facing, the pressure and the weight of his situation, was palpable.

I asked if he wanted to go to the park and walk, ride around the lake, anything.  He wanted to come back to my place and relax.  We sat on my couch in the growing darkness and I allowed him to talk.

He shared stories from his past, his life until now, some I’d heard before, others I didn’t recall.  He asked if there was anything I needed to know about him, any questions I needed to ask.  He wanted to be sure I was comfortable with him and was still interested in continuing my relationship with him.  I told him there was nothing he could say that would make me not feel the way I do.

We finally talked about how things were right now, our marriages, my divorces, his first divorce and his impending second.  He talked about how negative and judgmental his current wife is and how I’m always happy and settled and easy to be around.  He said how much different it was being around each of us and how wrong their marriage had always been, from the moment they said “I do”.

She picked out the ring he was to buy, when he was to give it to her, how he was to propose.  There was no spontaneity, no passion, no surprise.  He said she steered it from the beginning and he should have known something was wrong, but he was hopeful and wanted to believe she was right for him.

They were buying a house together, getting married, getting ready to start their journey. It should have been a happy time.  Instead, the minute they were married, she stopped being the sweet, caring girlfriend and became a demanding, controlling, angry wife.  She revealed her true personality and the stories she’d told him about the end of her first marriage started making sense and became clear what fault she’d actually played in it’s end.

On Thursday, he mentioned he needed to find a different attorney, one more ruthless and interested in protecting his interests than the one he’d been seeking counsel from.  I told him about the attorney I had used and how well respected she was.  I also told him about her aggressive nature in dealing with difficult marriages/divorces and told him I’d forward her name and contact information.  If nothing else, it was an option.

He started talking about taking out a loan against the house to pay his wife off, what he’d do alternatively if he needed to sell the house, move, where he’d go, what he’d do.  I told him to stop until he spoke with the attorney, how it was a waste of time, energy, and unnecessary stress to plan anything until he’d talked with her and knew if there was a need to.

He asked me if I was sure I wanted him.  I looked into his eyes, told him how I wished he could see himself through my eyes, how amazing he was and how much I care for him.  I told him I was his, committed to us, no matter what he had or didn’t have.  I reminded him “stuff” doesn’t matter, it can’t go with us in the end, and whether we had everything or nothing, as long as we’re together I had all I’ve ever dreamed of.

Time passed all too quickly and he was exhausted.  He thanked me for spending time with him, for listening, for loving him.  He needed to go home and sleep.  We held each other, kissed briefly, tenderly.

He messaged he was home safe and was going to sleep, with one eye open!  Her volatility a constant fear.  I told him to leave and go somewhere safe for the night, I worry about him.  He tried to lighten the mood and said he’d be okay, “stairs creak”.  Not a comfort!

It needs to end, no matter the cost.  He needs to be safe in his own home.  He needs to be free to live the rest of his days in peace.  He needs to be happy, whatever that is for him. Regardless of my presence or not in his life, he needs to do it for his own well being.  I care more for him than being concerned with whether or not we remain together.  I love him enough to sacrifice myself and my happiness in order for him to be in a better place.

 

 

 

 

Slow change

Monday at dinner, things started changing.  He asked questions – questions he’s not asked before.  Questions about us being together, about what I’ll do with all my furniture, about how I’d feel if one of his parents passed and the other were to move in with us, about so many other important, relationship building type things.

He’s thinking future!  He’s making plans for our lives to merge!

Then Tuesday, he said it was time for me to come to his home and see where he lives.  It’s his pride and joy and justifiably so!  It’s beautiful!  He’s poured his heart and soul into his home.  Created a sanctuary in the mountains!

He’d given me the address a few months ago, along with his parents telephone number, in the event I didn’t hear from him and became worried.  It was his way of demonstrating his complete trust in me and his way of saying he would never willingly stop being in touch with me.  It was also his way of impressing upon me her volatility and his precarious living environment with her.

He gave me a tour of his home and while he wrapped up a few things for work, I sat on the screened porch enjoying the breeze and listening to the sounds of nature, catching glimpses of hummingbirds at the feeder.

When he was finished, we went for a jeep ride and he showed me his barn workshop, where he escapes to get away from her, and where he creates the most amazing furniture and projects.

After, we rode all over his property.  He showed me the boundaries and the extent of the land he owned.  He took me to other see other mountain vistas he enjoyed during his walks and his favorite views.  It was enjoyable seeing a deeper, more hidden side of him I’d not yet seen.

When we returned to the house, he told me he wanted very much to be able to take me inside and make love to me in his bed, in his home, but he was hesitant knowing he’d have to testify in the divorce, swear before a judge, in their divorce.  He didn’t want that in his mind, clouding his conscience.

We left and went to dinner then came back to my place for the rest of the evening and night.

He told me he wants us to be together, forever.  He wants me in his future, as his partner, as his wife.  We discussed my hesitancy and pulling back, the reason I’d stopped using the “L” word.  He said he’d noticed.  I explained my fear of getting hurt, of falling too hard, too fast, and hearing what he’d said about love taking time to grow and us not having known each other long enough to test what it was we were feeling for each other.

He told me I shouldn’t listen to what he says, he loves me and he knows he does!  He said he has known for a while I’m the one for him, the one who his heart beats for, the one he cherishes, the one he can’t imagine ever living without.

He said he’s shared everything with me in hopes of not losing me.  He fears that’s what’s happening and he said he can’t allow that to happen.  He said if she doesn’t leave willingly, of her own accord soon, he’ll make a settlement offer with her in hopes she’ll  leave.  He doesn’t want her to have anything, since she doesn’t contribute in any way, but he doesn’t want to continue their marriage any longer and wants her to decide to leave so he’ll not be forced to provide for her.

I want him safe, I want him free, and I want to have the opportunity to build a life together for as many days as we have left.  I want to make him as happy every day as he makes me, not just the few, spread out snippets of time we’re able to share now.

The change is coming and I’m hopeful and very glad.

 

 

Being judged unfairly

I haven’t blogged in a while.  Why?  Because of the judgement of a reader.  And why did I allow their comment to upset me?  Because I was already feeling confused about my situation and my decision to be involved in an affair.

The reader left 4 simple words, “Have some self respect.”

There was nothing more.  No words of advice, no wisdom, no further condemnation. Only 4 simple, but thought provoking words.  I don’t know who the reader is.  As far as I know, they hadn’t read my story from the beginning.  Honestly, it doesn’t matter who they are.  What matters is what those 4 words caused me to do…pause.

After lots of thought and reflection, I know I’m where I want to be.  I’m with who I choose to be with.  He’s my heart, my soul, my love.  He’s who I want in my life.  It’s not the ideal relationship, right now, but isn’t anything great worth waiting for? investing time in?  fighting for?

Our time together is wonderful.  It’s easy and it’s real.  I matter to him and he matters to me.  We both know in a perfect world, we would have met years ago, fallen madly in love and spent the rest of our lives raising a family, creating memories, growing old together.

We don’t live in a perfect world so we make the best of the one we do live in and the manner in which we did meet in the circumstances we’re faced with.

Neither of us knows how the future will play out.  No one does.  We do know we want it to be a future spent loving each other, sharing the rest of our lives together, the ups, the downs, the in-between times where everything coasts easily along.  I can’t imagine him not being a part of my life and he can’t imagine me being gone from his.

Yes, it’s messy and complicated, unpredictable and uncertain, but tell me a life that isn’t. I didn’t think my life would be as it is when I started out.  It’s taken so many twists and turns I could never have imagined being where I am at this junction of my journey.

I do have self respect.  I am a strong woman.  I’m intelligent, determined, and head strong.  If I didn’t trust he loves me when he tells me he does, I’d walk away.  He’s ready for things to change.  I’m ready for things to change.  And they will change when they’re supposed to.

Until then, I will continue to look forward to Mondays and Tuesdays.  I will anticipate the unexpected additional times we’re able to spend together because of routine scheduling changes.  I’ll cherish the emails, phone calls, and messages he leaves.  I’ll enjoy the trips we’re able to take together and the experiences we’ll have the chance to share.

Why?  Because he means that much to me and because I choose to.  Don’t judge what you don’t understand.  Until you’ve been where I am now, you have no idea the courage it takes to be committed to a married man you may never have all to yourself or how long you may have to wait for things to change.

 

 

 

 

The Dreaded Weekend

Every Friday it rolls around – the weekend.  Along with the weekend comes the knowledge his work stops and they’re home together.  No matter how many times he tells me they co-exist, she does her thing and he does his, I know they sit together, on opposite couches, each evening and watch movies.  He calls it “safe” meaning they watch, don’t talk, and don’t interact beyond the shared experience.

I find things to keep myself busy and distracted.  Lately, that means filling my time with meaningless dates.  I’d feel bad if it weren’t for the fact I know what they will be doing, alone, together.  Coupled with the fact most of these guys are out for one thing and stupidly think I don’t know or care.

Maybe I’ll get lucky one of these weekends.  Maybe she’ll tell him to pause the movie, explain she’s met someone else or decided she no longer wants to live in their hollow shell of a marriage and she’s moving out.  Maybe I’ll get his message saying one or the other of my imagined fantasies and he’s free.

Or maybe one of my filler-dates will actual turn out to be with someone decent, kind, actually interested in a meaningful, honest relationship.  He’ll sweep me off my feet, convince me to give him my undivided attention, I’ll be comfortable to trust him to be real and not misleading, and I’ll message him and tell him we’re through.

Or maybe the world will stop spinning and we’ll all fall off into outer space!

Yes, I know, this is all a huge stretch!  I can’t help but dream.  Our Mondays and Tuesdays are awesome!  Our occasional trips out of town together are amazing!  The thought of her eventually leaving and them divorcing keeps me focused on the reason I continue to see him and hope for the day we can move forward together, without any distractions.

 

 

Why does the post-after glow happen

I wish I could shut my mind down and not overthink things.  I wish I could not remember every word he’s said, every answer he’s given, and every feeling I’ve had go without expressing.

When we’re together, I can forget he’ll have to go home eventually.  I can almost forget she exists.  I know she either texts, emails, or calls to check in every night.  I know this, but I can ignore it, for the most part.  I can choose to not ask about the texts or emails and pretend it’s work.  When she calls, I can get up and walk away, find something to do for distraction until they’re off the phone.

When he’s gone and we’re in our long stretch of not spending time together, Wednesday through Sunday, my mind gets the best of me.  I start thinking.  I begin rehashing conversations we’ve had about why he’s with me and not attempting to make things work with her.  Why he’s not left her so we can spend more time together and see if there’s something special between us beyond the affair we are in right now.

I’ve told him I can’t move in with someone or have someone move in with me for at least 2 years, the duration of my alimony.  It was a condition of my divorce and I’m not willing to compromise or forego what I’m entitled to after 19 years of marriage.  I’ve explained I will not be with someone who pushes for more than I’m willing and able to give with that in mind.

What I didn’t say was I’d like those 2 years to be a building phase with someone I might consider being with more long term when the deadline passes.  I don’t want to wait until the end of those 2 years to begin the process.

He’s told me he doesn’t “push her buttons” any more because he knows how she’ll react and he doesn’t want the confrontation.  But the status quo only keeps them in the state of limbo they’ve lived in for years now.  They co-exist, co-habitate, live symbiotically, without any risk of change.

Change is what he wants.  Change is what he kept telling me was going to happen. Change is what I want for us.  Without change, nothing will be possible.

I’m a risk taker.  I refuse to live in complacency and co-exist.  That’s why I separated from my second husband and why we eventually decided to divorce.  I won’t settle.  I don’t think I should have to.

And I can’t help but feel I might be settling with him.  He says he wants more with me, but is he willing to do what might be very hard for him in order to make that a possibility?

If she digs in her heels and refuses to leave the financially comfortable world he’s created for her and he’s unwilling to push her to go, will I be settling to continue in this affair with no hope of something more?

I’m trying to date other guys.  I’m trying to find someone worth spending more time with.  I’m trying to find someone to replace him in my life.  But I compare every one of them to him and none of them measure up.  They don’t have as many of the same shared interests as he and I do.  They aren’t able to have deep conversations about varied topics like he and I are.  They don’t make me laugh like he can.  They don’t tug at my heart strings just being near like he does.  They don’t want the same things he and I do in our future.

Dating for me is pointless.  Yes, it fills my time when he’s with her.  It provides a minimal distraction and provides me with the chance I might actually meet someone different, worthwhile.  But until I open myself up to potential and stop making comparisons with him they’ll never be able to meet I’ll be spinning my wheels and setting them up for disappointment.

 

 

 

 

Making memories…at least I am

We were finally able to spend time together.  She was working her normal schedule and he was free in the evenings.  His meetings ran long Monday so he wasn’t able to come over until later, but he spent the night.  Tuesday he came over a little earlier and we went for dinner before coming back to my place.  He spent the night again.

We were able to talk, face-to-face, sit side by side, hold hands.  And then we were able to go to bed, hold each other, make love, fall asleep in each other’s arms, and then wake up beside each other the next morning.

It was good, it was amazing, it was normal.  We were a couple.

He left this morning to return home, to his office, to work.  She came home this afternoon.  Things returned to the other normal.  The Wednesday through Sunday normal for all of us.  Him at home, her back at home, and me alone, at my home.

But for those two nights, I had him and he had me.  We were able to relax, breath, experience the happiness we both feel when we’re together.  We were able to get a glimpse of what we could have if she left and we had the chance to be together, dating, like a real couple should.

Things are right when we’re together.  We are comfortable and at ease, talking, sharing, laughing.  He’s able, if only for those two evenings, to forget the stress of being around her, the tension of not knowing when she’ll snap and about what.  I get to pretend, for only those two evenings, he chooses me.

Being together is nice.  Anticipating the intimacy, his body pressed against me, his lips gently touching mine.

He gave me his schedule for the next 4 – 5 weeks.  I don’t want to expect it, get overly excited, and lose sight of the fact there might and likely will be changes.  I still haven’t commented on it.  He hasn’t questioned me about not making any comments.

I think I’ve decided to play it by ear.  I hope to see him next Monday and Tuesday.  And the next, and the next, and the next.  If something comes up and we’re not able to spend them together, we’ll be together again as soon as we’re able.  Just like we always have.

 

Maybe

She did come home last Thursday.  He went bowling.  We didn’t even talk while he was there.

I went out of town this weekend.  He messaged often, to keep in touch with me.  He even sent me his “schedule” for the next 4-5 weeks.  Wanted to keep me “informed”.  I haven’t commented.

What I started to say was “thanks, but I know it’s subject to change”.  That’s what I wanted to say.  I wanted to point out we’d not seen each other for two weeks because plans had changed.  I didn’t.  I left it unsaid.

I still want to see him.  I want to spend time with him.  I want to have a future with him. Why am I still hopeful?  Because I want to be.  He’s who I want.  He’s the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I believe him when he tells me they are no longer in love and they have a horrible marriage.  I believe him when he tells me it will end sooner rather than later.

I’m focusing on the “maybe”.  The potential.  The opportunity he’ll end with her and be free to see if we have more than what we have now.

There are no guarantees.  Not that they will get divorced.  Not that he’ll choose to stay with me if they do.  Not that if he does, things will work out for the future for us.

 

A man, a woman, a dog, and me

So, she did go away today.  She even packed a bag.  Her “plan” is to come back home to stay with their dog while he’s bowling tonight unless she changes her mind and decides to stay, thus the reason for the overnight bag.

I extended the offer for him to come over tonight.  Told him I missed him.  Offered for him to bring the dog, after bowling or during, if he decided to skip and spend more time with me.

I don’t know if she’s staying.  I don’t know if he’s coming.  Right now I’m in limbo where I live most of the time with him.

Vacillating between want for him and want for freeing my heart for someone else is harder than I ever imagined.  I wish I didn’t care so much for him.  I wish I didn’t still hope for a future with him.  I wish I knew there would be an end to us.  And if I knew that end was coming, I’d end things first.  For the sake of my heart.

Will she stay away?  Will he come over?  Or will I come home and sleep alone?

 

 

No longer surprised, but still disappointed

Every suggestion, every attempt, every proposed plan this week has been for naught. I’ve finally reached a point of apathy.  If I see him, great.  If I don’t, well, then I don’t.  I will no longer keep my schedule open and empty waiting for him to decide if it works for us to get together.

I’m pulling back.  He’s feeling it, but trying to overlook what he knows are the signs and is attempting to pacify me.  His attempts aren’t working.  I don’t want to be pacified, I want to be given priority.

His wife’s schedule was different this week.  He knew, but failed to tell me.  I’m sure thinking it was not an issue.  Communication.  Failure.

He told me she was going to her dad’s today, stay over night, come back tomorrow evening.  He’d come stay with me.  Storms prevented that.  He’s said she’s trying again tomorrow,  He wanted to know my availability.

I already had plans to have dinner with a friend.  Told him as such.  Said we’d try again next week.  His response wasn’t good.  He implied I had “much more than dinner” planned.  Said dinner to him was a “60 minute thing with friends, not 4 or 5 hours, but that’s his world”.

My first reaction was to not reply.  I was angry!  How dare he question what I do when we’re not together.  It’s none of his business as long as he’s living with his wife.  I waited 2 hours.  Wanted to be thoughtful and not reactive.

I told him I was having dinner with a girlfriend, told him who she was and how I knew her, reminded him I’d mentioned her in relation to another event she and I were going to be attending, and I told him we’d likely spend an hour to an hour and a half at dinner.

I also told him he was welcome to come over, after work and chores, but that I wasn’t counting on it.  I told him I fully expected to receive a message tomorrow saying she wasn’t going and he therefore couldn’t come over.  I prefaced my statement with the fact all plans had changed so much this week I wasn’t going to count on it.

His response, “I’m not sure how to read between the lines here…so I won’t”.

The dance we’re doing in order to avoid the real issues is complex.  He knows I’m dissatisfied.  I’m ready to end things with him if I find someone more available, more suited to my interests and needs.  I think he feels it.

And while I’m typing this, he’s messaging.  Wants to reserve next Monday and Tuesday to be together.  He doesn’t want to be unfair with my time.  Which equates to his cancelling for tomorrow night.  Unbelievable.

 

 

Yet again

Unbelievable!  Not getting to see him tomorrow morning as he heads out of town.  I sent him a message letting him “off the hook” and he jumped at it!  My mistake for providing the out.  At least the ball was in my court and I was the one offering rather than getting let down unexpectedly last minute.

So I’ve decided it’s time to fill my time with other distractions and stop wishing and waiting for something that will never happen.  I can’t live for what-if!

I’m going out tonight, have plans to meet someone tomorrow, and another for next week. Going to see who fits, if any, and explore my options.  Sitting at home or going out alone because he isn’t available is starting to become very unappealing.

My heart knows I want him, but my head is starting to win the race and make the rest of me fall into line.

He isn’t willing to fight for me.  I want and need to be wanted and needed.  It’s time to see what else is out there.  Who might be more interested and more available to fill the void he’s creating.