A week of dreams and wishes

For my 50th birthday, I made the decision to check something off my bucket list.

He left for his adventure with friends on Saturday and I knew I was going to be alone and needed the distraction.

On a whim, on Sunday, I saw a post about the Outer Banks of North Carolina and decided to book a reservation.  I’ve always wanted to go, but had never had the time or the inclination to make the 9 1/2 hour drive.

I packed my bags, got things around the house situated and decided in order to maximize my time in the Outer Banks, I’d leave at midnight and drive straight through.

I arrived shortly after 10:00 am Monday.  I stopped at the first Visitors Center, picked up brochures, and talked with the volunteer working the desk about formulating my plans.  She had many great suggestions and helped me decide what I had the time to see, what I might like to see if I could fit it in, and what I would need to schedule a return trip to see the next time.

Lighthouses are on of my favorite things.  For either my birthday or Christmas several years ago, I don’t remember, my Mom started my collection from Franklin Mint.  I wanted to collect those nearest to me and ones I might possibly be able to visit first hand.  I’ve already been to Savannah, Hilton Head, St. Augustine, Jupiter, and Cape Canaveral.  A pretty good head start, but only the tip of the iceberg.

Since I had the time and a reason for celebration and distraction, I knew my main goal of the trip was to see the 4 main lighthouses along the Banks – Cape Hatteras, Bodie Island, Currituck, and Ocracoke.

I didn’t realize when I got there, since it wasn’t yet “season”, many things weren’t open.  Of course, the lighthouses are there and working, but I was only able to go inside Currituck and climb to the top.

I went to each, took many pictures, and made plans for a return trip to go inside Cape Hatteras Light and Bodie Island Light.  Ocracoke is the only Light the general public is not able to go inside.  It’s operated by the Coast Guard and since it’s the second oldest lighthouse in the United States, they no longer allow visitors access.

I had a great time.  I loved seeing the sand dunes, the beach, and the ocean.  It’s much different than Florida.  I wish I’d had someone to share it with, but made the decision when I left my second husband I would not stop living simply because I was single.

He messaged me often while I was there, called a couple of times, was having a good time with his friends, and wanted to hear how my trip was as well as check to make sure I was alright.

I missed him and I do miss him.  I got home yesterday a little after 4:00 am.  I drove straight through again, but struggled more this time.  I was tired and almost stopped twice, but didn’t want to waste the expense of a hotel and the thought of sleeping along side the road didn’t appeal from a safety stand point.

I was disappointed he didn’t call the evening I left for home or all day yesterday.  I miss him and I want to think he misses me too, but it’s hard to convince myself when his efforts are minimal.  I want him to enjoy his time with his friends, it’s both healthy and necessary, but I also want him to long to hear my voice at night before he slips off to sleep.

He hadn’t mentioned the work trip this coming week and I waited to ask until last night.  If he didn’t get final approval to go, I wanted to be free to make alternate plans.  He was approved, but his only comment was “we needed to work out the logistics”.  I thought those had already been decided based on his original message about the trip. He didn’t say more and I left the comment unanswered.

I don’t know when he’s driving back home.  I haven’t asked and he’s not offered.  He’s not very good about offering details unless I make a direct inquiry and I don’t want to appear needy so I often find myself in the dark.

His original plan was to leave home Sunday morning, pick me up, drive to Asheville and visit the Biltmore House, walk the grounds, tour the gardens and conservatory, then drive the rest of the way to Raleigh for the night.  His meeting is on Monday and I was going to lounge at the pool and spend the day enjoying myself until he got home that afternoon/evening.  We’d leave Tuesday morning, drive and stop along the way for fun, then come back to my place for the night.  He’d work from my place Wednesday.

I don’t know if that’s still the plan or if he’s changed his mind.  I won’t ask.  It needs to be his idea.  And it wouldn’t be the first time he says one thing and then something totally different happens.

I want to spend as much time with him as I can, but I’m starting to become dissatisfied with his evasiveness and lack of communication.  I know he talks to his wife every night.  He does that when he’s with me and she travels so I know it happens when he’s away.

He tells me he loves me and I have all of him that matters most, but I really don’t.  I have the bits and pieces he allows me to have.  I don’t know if that’s his capacity for relationships or if that’s merely his capacity for me, as his second.

I want to believe when he says it’s only a matter of time before his wife leaves.  I want to believe time is my friend.  I want to believe in my waiting, patiently and willingly, he’ll be mine free and clear from his encumbrance of his marriage.  I don’t know.  And I hate the unknown.

I know life if full of unknowns.  I’ve lived.  I understand.  But some things are more certain than others.  Some things are more important and worthwhile.  I want my relationship with him to have a goal, a plan, a destination.  I want him to feel the same.  I want him to want the same thing.  Again, I don’t know.  And I hate the unknown.








2 thoughts on “A week of dreams and wishes

  1. Do you not think that if he felt that much for you… that he would be with you wholey?? That his wife wouldn’t be in the background.


    • I think life is complicated. Yes, he should make the tough decisions – stay with her and end things with me or end things with her and be with me. I know the back story, I know the reality of the problems she’s caused and the threats she’s made. I know his parents are seriously concerned for his physical safety around her and if he should tell her to leave before it becomes her idea. So yes, in the back of my mind, you’re right. But in the full, unedited reality of his situation it’s very precarious and complicated.


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