The life I wish I had with him

He’s not out of town on business – he’s out of town with two friends he sees twice a year.  They get together to camp, bike, and kayak.

The first time he went, not long after we started seeing each other, was in October.  I received a cryptic message from him saying he was “off on an adventure”.  I immediately jumped to the conclusion he was going somewhere with his wife.  I didn’t hear from him for several hours after the initial message and I had no reason to believe otherwise.  He’d never mentioned his bi-annual expeditions.

When he mentioned going to Jacksonville this week, the reason we weren’t going to be seeing each other and why he wanted to celebrate my birthday last week, he didn’t say why he was going and I had no idea that’s where they were meeting up.

Yesterday I received another “adventure” message.  Again, no reason to believe he was leaving Saturday for what I assumed was a business trip.  He messaged me several hours later to provide play-by-play, stop-by-stop accounts of his journey south.

Later he stopped and took pictures of himself and then of he and one of his buddies at the campsite.  He also sent a message saying I “must have forgotten about his March trip”.  Yes, he had mentioned in October he usually went twice a year and usually in March, but never again.  Why would I have assumed?

I don’t resent him going on his trip.  I think it’s great he has friends to do things with.  I think it’s vital in any relationship to have separate friendships for activities apart from each other.

I do wish he were more forthcoming with information or made more of an effort to make sure he has communicated with me.  I know his wife knew when and where he was going.  I also know he thinks he told me.  He didn’t.  Being in this kind of relationship, things fall through the cracks, unintentionally and inadvertently.

I wish he and I were in this alone.  No wife to confuse things.  No communication with a third person to muddy the water.  Only he and I.

If I don’t give him complete information, details of what I’m doing and where I’m going, he gets upset.  He says he worries about me.  He gets scared something could happen and he’d not know.  He feels this way because I live alone.  I’m by myself.

He tells me his marriage is worthless, inconsequential, a non-issue for me to be concerned with.  Yet she knows his whereabouts.  She knows his comings and goings.  He checks in with her and she checks in with him.

He does message me.  He did call me when he stopped for lunch while biking.  I really shouldn’t complain.  He tells me he cares, he tells me he loves me, he tells me I’m most important to him.  He tells me I have all of him that matters.

The part of him I want, in addition to the rest, is his time.  I want him to be who I come home to and I want to be who he comes home to.  I want to be his base, his center, his home!

 

 

 

 

 

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