It shouldn’t have to be this hard

I care for him and it hurts.  I can’t tell him I love him.  I have said it.  I feel it.  I know I do. But I can’t say it to him any more.  I won’t.  For now.  Even though he says it to me.  He whispers it in my ear when we cuddle in bed before drifting off to sleep.  He says it when we’re snuggling on the couch watching movies.  He says it when we’re getting off the phone.

I want to be able to tell him, but I’m afraid of allowing myself to be hurt.  I’m afraid of letting myself feel.  If I let him in, completely, I risk so much.  He’s married.  There doesn’t appear to be an end on the horizon.

He doesn’t like when I “spell out” the nature of our relationship.  It’s real and obvious, but he doesn’t like to think about us in that light.  He tells me I have his heart, his soul, his love.  Yet I don’t have his time.  We don’t share a home.

He’ll be out of town on business for my birthday.  We won’t be spending it together.  We won’t be spending any of next week together.  He’ll be away and then she’ll come home and he’ll have to stay there when he returns.

He has another business trip the following week.  Also when she’s away.  Our opportunity to spend time together, lost again.  He’s mentioned me going away with him on that trip.  Said he’ll pick me up on Sunday, spend the day with me before we continue to the hotel.  He has meetings on Monday, but we’d have the night together.  Then we’d spend time on the drive home, detouring, enjoying each other before we get back to my place and he spends the night and works from here Wednesday.

I want to believe he’ll follow through with the suggested plans.  But he’s made plans like this before and they’ve not happened.  And if he wanted me to go away with him, why not this upcoming trip?  What’s different?  Especially since it’s my birthday?

I’d love to be able to ask him.  To see what his answer would be.  What excuse would he use?  And why?  Maybe there would be a perfectly good explanation, but why wouldn’t he already know I’m wondering?  Is seeing me not as important to him as seeing him is to me?

Am I wasting my time in another relationship with a married man who has me fooled into believing he wants to have a future with me?

I want to believe what he says.  I want to believe I’m “the best thing that’s ever happened to him”.  I want to believe him when he tells me I feel like a “long lost girlfriend” coming back into his life after being missed for many years.

I want to share with him how important he is to me.  I want to tell him I have strong feelings for him.  I want to allow myself to love him.  But I’m afraid.  I did.  I told him I love him.  But after everything that’s happened, everything he’s told me, his interaction with his wife on the phone, his cooperation for the sake of “keeping the peace” rather than pushing her away, I can’t.

I have to protect myself.  I have to stay slightly distant.  I have to remember who I am – the affair.  And that’s not easy.  That’s not who I ever wanted to be.


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