Harder than I ever imagined

I find I’m having to convince myself almost daily that he and I will be okay, eventually.  We’ll have a relationship, we’ll date, we’ll no longer have to be constrained.  His wife will leave, they’ll file for divorce, and he’ll be free to see if there’s really something to what we have.

When we first met he told me their marriage was over in every sense, but the legalities.  He said it would “end by Christmas” and I believed him.  He talked about her alienation of family and friends and how the holidays always made things exponentially worse between them.

Only he didn’t tell me she took off over the holidays every year because of her seniority and that she was home, all the time.  He also didn’t tell me it would limit our time together because his excuses were harder to come up with and she required him to be home doing things for her around their home.

I didn’t understand their “trying” efforts were still happening and they would spend a portion of the holiday with others as a couple.

The holidays are past, 3 months past.  She returned to work at the beginning of the month, but they still spend the majority of the week together at home.  She’s only gone Monday and Tuesday and returns on Wednesday.  I get 2 days out of 7, and those are even limited by his work demands and her chore demands.

When he is with me, she calls every night to check-in and I hear them talk, like a normal married couple.  He pretends he’s at home doing whatever it is she’s left for him to do.  He either comes over late so he can get his check list completed or he rushes home to make sure everything is in order before she returns.

It’s not the kind of “end” to a marriage I was led to believe.

I’m an affair.  Nothing more.  When he tells me he loves me, I feel he’s trying to keep me fooled into believing we still might have a chance at something beyond what we have right now.

What I heard him say last night, when I asked him about their “normalcy” was they don’t fight every time they talk, they do have regular interaction, and our relationship still has a long time before we’ll know if there’s potentially more for us, if and when their marriage ends.

In other words, I’m wasting my time and being played.

I want to send him a message and explain how I feel.  I want to tell him I need a break.  I want to remain his friend – what he said he was looking for when he found me – and put a stop to our affair until he decides what he plans to do with his marriage.

But I’m afraid!  If I do, I risk losing him completely.  Is that a risk I’m willing to take?  Am I prepared to never get the chance to see him, talk to him, spend time with him again?  And if that happens because I’m honest and tell him how I feel, is it really worth keeping him in the first place?

What I’m most afraid of is having my suspicions confirmed and finding out I am just an affair and he’s been playing me skillfully from the start.

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