Don’t push me or I run

I had a plan for today – things I wanted to do and things I wanted to get done.  I stayed up late last night, knowing I didn’t need to set an alarm this morning.  I slept in later this morning, knowing I wasn’t on a schedule other than my own.

He sent me a good morning message then proceeded to tell me all the things I needed to accomplish today.  As if he has the right to make my schedule and instruct me to follow it. When I told him I appreciated his detailed outline of my to-do list, sarcastically, and that I had already made my plans for the day, he explained as my “best friend” he was going to keep encouraging me and supporting me.

The real matter of issue is a 10 x 10 storage unit I have packed from front to back, floor to ceiling. I had 2 units at one point, but when I moved out of a one bedroom, postage stamp apartment into my current 2 bedroom, 2 bath home the movers helped me get furniture out of the second unit and consolidate into 1.

It saved me $50.00 a month, but being men they didn’t see a need for organization and crammed things in as quickly and haphazardly as they could.  Now I can’t get in to access anything I once was able to reach without any effort whatsoever.

I know there’s lots in the unit I don’t need to keep.  I also know I need to eliminate the monthly fee for the unit rental.  But emptying it is going to be a monumental task and one I’m not anxious to tackle.  Plus it’ll take time to go through what’s to be thrown out, what’s to have pictures taken and be sold on local yard sale sites, and what’s to be kept and where to put it once I make the decision.

Additionally, there’s quite a bit of personal memorabilia from my past marriages I’ll need to emotionally navigate through.  Another reason I’m postponing the inevitable.

I tried explaining to him my need to work at my own pace.  I further said I would work on it next week when he’s gone on his business trip and my birthday celebration trip was cancelled.  It would provide a minimal amount of distraction and give me dedicated time to really knock it out.

He wouldn’t listen.  In his mind, his offer to help haul boxes out of the unit to my back porch was a benefit to me.  No matter what I said or how I tried to explain I didn’t want to do it today, he kept pushing.  To the point I finally said I’d do it, but in committing to work on the unit today would mean I’d have to cancel our plans this evening and tomorrow evening as well.

That upset him.  He could reconcile his desire to “help” with my knowing it’s a much larger job than he can ever wrap his mind around without first going and seeing what I’ll be dealing with.

He finished a business call – he works from home in the computer support industry – and then called me.  He was raring for a fight and I wasn’t taking the bait.  All of the women in his life are or have been easy to anger and his current wife to the point of threats and fear on his part.

I’ve told him before I’m simply not like that.  I decided a long time ago life was too short to have so much stress and friction.  And the older I get, the more I’m not willing to be involved in any type of relationship where I have to deal with it.  I want to be happy, enjoy life, take things less seriously, and find someone who feels the same.

Life has enough stress we’re forced to face, it’s not worth creating extra.  And love is about comfort and ease.  I don’t want to be with someone in an intimate relationship where I have to constantly be on guard or worry about what I say or do upsetting them.

I know learning a new personality isn’t easy.  I also know you resort to what you’re most familiar with when you’re under pressure.  Not only am I navigating this unusual relationship I’ve chosen to be in, he’s also navigating his current wife and their situation as well as what he and I have.

Yes, he could make the decision to end what he knows is over and has been for a long time, but he’s still trying to get her to willingly leave so he’ll be better off financially.  I try to understand his reasoning.  I try.  But I’m becoming less compassionate and more frustrated as time passes and I learn how he’s doing his part to maintain the “peace keeping” efforts he’s managed for so long.

He accused me of not wanting to see him at all this week and said if we’re going to wait “two weeks” – this week while I work at the storage unit and next week while he’s out of town – we may as well just not see each other again.

I was taken aback!  I told him that’s not what I’d said and I’d only cancelled our plans for this week when he kept pushing and pushing for me to work on the unit, without regard to what I’d said over and over about waiting.  He wasn’t interested in being reasonable or hearing what I was saying.

In his mind, I was done and no longer wanted to spend time with him.  I changed our plans and that upset him.  His changing our plans last minute is a totally different thing and I’m expected to understand and accept it.  Besides, I didn’t want to change our plans, but couldn’t make him stop pushing me.  That was my only recourse.

I let him vent, get what he wanted to say out, then explained my feelings and how difficult it was going to be for me to go through all the memories and do it in front of anyone, especially him.

Finally, after telling him if he wanted to be finished with us there was nothing I could do and him saying it was my idea – from his selfish point of view – I was able to get him to stop for a few minutes and hear me, really hear me.  I got through, I think.  I’ll know tonight.

He decided to accept my desire to not work at the unit, have him come over like planned, and discontinue the stubborn disagreement he kept allowing to fester.

I’m not really looking forward to seeing him tonight.  I’m still hurt by his words and actions.  I’m concerned this is a sign of things to come and this relationship is still in it’s infancy.  I don’t want to think he’ll never be able to accept my differences and trust I’m not like the women in his past.

Being involved with a married man is exceptionally hard no matter what, but with the hurt he’s faced and is still facing and refusing to end creates a path I’m not quite sure I’m up for traveling.  New love and passion can only take me so far.  I need mature love and devotion coupled with compromise and acceptance.

Next week while he’s out of town, I have lots to think about.  Actually it’ll begin this week when his wife gets back from working out of town and our ability to spend time together vanishes.

And the outcome may be far from what I envisioned at the beginning of this journey.

 

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