Keeping Tabs, unconsciously

Yesterday I needed to get out of the house.  I needed to enjoy the sunshine that broke a little after noon.  We’d had heavy rain all night that lasted into the morning and I was pleasantly surprised by the sun and clear skies almost immediately following the last big shower.

I decided to drive to a favorite place of mine north of where I live that was having it’s opening weekend.  They’d started construction over the winter and unfortunately, still weren’t finished.  I ate lunch, inside rather than outside where I’d hoped, and didn’t hang out as long as I normally would have.

While I was there I had a phone call from a friend and was invited to dinner.  I went home, freshened up, and then left to meet them.

I knew he had a “chores” list from his wife to work on and when he’s focused on doing things around the house, he often gets wrapped up and doesn’t respond timely.  I didn’t think my not messaging him would be noticed or missed.

I was mistaken!  He became very worried when he didn’t hear from me and I didn’t respond to his messages.

I was out, enjoying myself, listening to music, having a good time with the people around me.  I couldn’t hear my phone and didn’t bother checking it.  I did see a missed call at one point from him, but knew I wouldn’t have been able to hear unless I went outside and honestly, he was at home, with his wife, regardless of the state of their relationship, and they were in the house together.

I had a great time last night!  The whole day was nice.  Until I got home and dealt with his phone messages.  He was extremely worried, then became angry, and was unwilling to simply realize I needed a night away…from everything.

I’ve tried to explain, during past discussions/disagreements, how he has his wife at home, no matter they don’t talk or have a relationship like husband and wife in the most basic sense.  I on the other hand, live alone and have no one to talk to, spend time with, or even be around.

He wants me to think of him as a “traveling salesman”, an “over the road trucker”, anyone who travels for business.  He thinks I’ll feel better about not getting to spend more time with him, regular time with him.  Can he be any more clueless?

I don’t want to share him with his wife.  I don’t want him to be content with keeping the peace.  I don’t want to only get to see him hit or miss when he’s not otherwise engaged.

I just found out he has a business trip next week, the week of my birthday – my 50th birthday!  He’s acting like I must have forgotten about this trip, but he never mentioned it. I was planning on taking a vacation for my birthday, before I lost my job, but now won’t be able to afford it with the unknown of my next job.  I’m certain he never mentioned it because it really wouldn’t matter if I were going to be out of town any way.

He brought it up after telling me he has a business trip both at the beginning and the end of May.  You’d think he would ask if I’d like to come with, since he’ll have the hotel room anyway, and I’m not working.  Makes me wonder if perhaps she’s going or meeting him there.

I don’t like thinking like that.  I also don’t like things the way they’re going.




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