I didn’t sleep well last night. As a result, I decided to get ready for work earlier than normal. I’ve been involved in an improvement event at work and not able to complete my normal duties so the thought of getting in early before I needed to report for day 3 of the event and doing what little catch up I could get to was appealing.
Best laid plans! I gathered my things, locked the house up behind me, got in my car and turned the key…click, click, click. The battery wouldn’t turn over and my car wouldn’t start. I tried a second time…nothing! Now what?
I sent a text message go one of my employees, another to a peer in the leadership team, and a third to him.
I heard back from him right away. He called and was willing to get dressed and come take me to work. This was a sacrifice since he works from home and lives 45 minutes away. I know he’d already keyed up his computers and was busy starting his day yet he was willing to drop everything to come help me.
While I was on the phone explaining to him I’d sent out other messages, I received a return text from my peer and she was willing to come give me a ride to work. I thanked him for offering, but I told him to get back to work and not worry about me.
He was disappointed I’d not allowed him to help, but I knew he was behind at work and used that as part of his excuse for not seeing me last night. I didn’t want to inconvenience him and that offended him. Plus I’d told him how my being single, alone, and had no one to count on was upsetting.
He didn’t like that I “don’t appreciate my singleness”. He said he was “envious of my freedom” and wished he were able to enjoy that same freedom. Really? He’s married, having an affair with me, and wishes he had freedom? And he wants me to embrace my freedom and single lifestyle?
He doesn’t understand how much he means to me and how much I would give to be in a real relationship with him. He doesn’t understand that since we’re NOT in a real relationship, outside of the affair which he detests my referring to it as such, and I don’t have someone I can truly count on to drop everything, I feel lost and alone when things like this happen.
I love him. He tells me he loves me. I believe him. But I also know he won’t leave his wife or tell her to leave because he fears her anger and retaliation. He keeps telling me it’s closer to coming to a conclusion, but I think that’s wishful thinking on his part.
When we first met and started connecting, he told me he felt it would end by the holidays. That time came and went. And she’s still there.
I wonder sometimes if I’d be better off if I ended things with him and tried to find someone single and available. But I’d miss him too much and it would be impossible to find someone I cared about as much as I do him. He’s the bar I’d measure everyone else to and those I’ve met along the way, before he and I became “exclusive”, didn’t come anywhere near him.
So for now, I remain committed to him and dealing with the trials of living alone, working out the problems I encounter, and making the best of this difficult road we’re traveling.