Tonight we were supposed to get together again. This was her second night away from home, her second week back to work. And he cancelled. On my way home from work. I’ve had an exceptionally hard day at work on the tail of two weeks of really bad days. I was looking forward to spending an evening with him rather than another lonely night at home.
The weather has been cold today and we’ve had snow flurries off and on all afternoon, but it hasn’t accumulated and the roads are clear. He has deadlines and projects at work he needs to get caught up on as well as presentations to perfect and complete, but his work is always hectic and he’s never able to get caught up without having several other projects handed to him.
He explained his work and safety – the weather – as his reason for us not seeing each other tonight. He’s asked me to forgive him. I do, of course, but am still disappointed. I counted on seeing him and forgetting about my day for a little while.
His wife comes back home tomorrow night, he bowls with a league on Thursdays, then the weekend arrives and we’ll definitely not see each other then. Our next opportunity will be Monday of next week, but there’s no guarantee.
I want to be with him, but when these disappointments occur it makes me wonder if what I’m doing in this affair is worth the emotions I deal with. When I imagine never seeing him again, those emotions are even more intense and my heart isn’t able to consider the option.
Waiting for his wife to decide, on her own, to leave the marriage and move out may take longer than I’m willing to wait. And his “keeping the peace” makes her even less likely to want to leave. She tells him what to do, how to do it, and when. They have arguments, but he’s afraid to push her buttons too far because of her volatile reactive personality.
I worry about him being in the home with her there and knowing the stories he’s told me about her anger and outbursts. Yet can’t reconcile his willingness to stay and take the risk. Plus, living his life in a miserable, loveless marriage with someone he fears.
There are so many variables in a relationship like ours. I either understand and accept there will be changes at the last minute or I decide I can and must end my affair with him to protect both of us from the pain of separation and change.