I’m all in, like I’ve said before! The more I’ve gotten to know him, the more I’ve fallen in love with him. I think all the time how I’d love to be able to spend more time with him, date him, be in a real relationship with him. I don’t want to share him. I want something horrible to happen to her so she will no longer be a problem, a road block, a hindrance to us having a more normal relationship.
She’s a flight attendant, has been for years, so has seniority and was off from before Thanksgiving until last week. It was the longest, hardest time I’ve had to face. She was around, blocking him from being more free to see me. She demands things from him, chores, things she needs him to do. In order to keep the peace, his words, he does what she asks.
I find it difficult to understand how he can be so disconnected and unhappy in their relationship, yet he does things to keep her happy and remain safe, again, his words.
She’s been volatile in the past, broken things, thrown things, damaged things he held dear, threatened to jump out of the speeding car on the highway. He’s frightened of her doing harm to him, using guns they have in the house, and does everything he can to keep her calm and unaware of his dissatisfaction.
He works hard, is in a high-power job, trying to please everyone at work as well as keeping the peace at home. He’s unhappy in both, doesn’t feel settled or rewarded, feels like he’s accomplished nothing. He gets down often, questions what he’s done with his life after all the hard work and effort he’s put in.
I want to be able to help, to take away some of the pain, some of the dissatisfaction. I want to be able to openly love him, care for him, take care of him, appreciate him, let him know how important he is to me. I can say all of that now, but it’s only words. I want to be able to put those words into motion, I want him to know beyond doubt what I say is real, sincere, honest, heart-felt.
I try my best to keep busy on the weekend, when he’s home, not working, with her there. He stays busy during the day doing what he calls “chores”, hauls wood, works in his barn building furniture for their home, keeping occupied so he’s not in her path. But in the evenings they’re forced to share space. They watch movies, he says to stay safe, and then retire to different parts of the house.
He sleeps in his recliner downstairs and she sleeps in the bedroom upstairs. He assures me there is no romance, no sex between them. I can only trust him. I have no way of knowing for sure.
Sundays become long. I have less to do away from home and have more time to think about not being with him, them spending time at the house together, sharing what little they have together.
I’m no one. If something happened to him, I’d never know. No one would call me. No one would think twice about the woman he sees on the side. I don’t know his address, his wife’s name – he did tell me she didn’t take his last name when they got married. I don’t know his parents, but I do know where they live.
Being the mistress is hard. It’s empty most of the time. I can’t make plans for us. I can’t count on the plans he talks about for us will actually happen because there’s always the risk something in his real life will come up and prevent us from seeing each other.
He says he wants a life with me. He wants what we have, a lasting, deep, enduring love. But he also says he needs what he has with his wife to come to a safe conclusion. There’s no timeline, it’ll happen when and if it does. And knowing how comfortable it is for her to live off his money, knowing she doesn’t have to work to earn a living, but rather play money, she’ll never leave. Why would she?
He says he’d be devastated if I decide what we have isn’t enough for me. If I decide to move on and find someone else. I believe him, but I know there’s no way to push him to end things with his wife.
I want a life with him, I love him, I want to make up for all the love he’s lacked for so long. I want him to know what an amazing man he is through my eyes. He’s been beaten down and broken by the women in his life and is afraid to trust real love exists for him. I want to show him he’s wrong. I want to leave no doubt in his heart, in his soul, in his mind that I love him more than he’s ever been loved.
For today, I sit at home, alone. He’s at home, with her there, doing things around their house.