A week of dreams and wishes

For my 50th birthday, I made the decision to check something off my bucket list.

He left for his adventure with friends on Saturday and I knew I was going to be alone and needed the distraction.

On a whim, on Sunday, I saw a post about the Outer Banks of North Carolina and decided to book a reservation.  I’ve always wanted to go, but had never had the time or the inclination to make the 9 1/2 hour drive.

I packed my bags, got things around the house situated and decided in order to maximize my time in the Outer Banks, I’d leave at midnight and drive straight through.

I arrived shortly after 10:00 am Monday.  I stopped at the first Visitors Center, picked up brochures, and talked with the volunteer working the desk about formulating my plans.  She had many great suggestions and helped me decide what I had the time to see, what I might like to see if I could fit it in, and what I would need to schedule a return trip to see the next time.

Lighthouses are on of my favorite things.  For either my birthday or Christmas several years ago, I don’t remember, my Mom started my collection from Franklin Mint.  I wanted to collect those nearest to me and ones I might possibly be able to visit first hand.  I’ve already been to Savannah, Hilton Head, St. Augustine, Jupiter, and Cape Canaveral.  A pretty good head start, but only the tip of the iceberg.

Since I had the time and a reason for celebration and distraction, I knew my main goal of the trip was to see the 4 main lighthouses along the Banks – Cape Hatteras, Bodie Island, Currituck, and Ocracoke.

I didn’t realize when I got there, since it wasn’t yet “season”, many things weren’t open.  Of course, the lighthouses are there and working, but I was only able to go inside Currituck and climb to the top.

I went to each, took many pictures, and made plans for a return trip to go inside Cape Hatteras Light and Bodie Island Light.  Ocracoke is the only Light the general public is not able to go inside.  It’s operated by the Coast Guard and since it’s the second oldest lighthouse in the United States, they no longer allow visitors access.

I had a great time.  I loved seeing the sand dunes, the beach, and the ocean.  It’s much different than Florida.  I wish I’d had someone to share it with, but made the decision when I left my second husband I would not stop living simply because I was single.

He messaged me often while I was there, called a couple of times, was having a good time with his friends, and wanted to hear how my trip was as well as check to make sure I was alright.

I missed him and I do miss him.  I got home yesterday a little after 4:00 am.  I drove straight through again, but struggled more this time.  I was tired and almost stopped twice, but didn’t want to waste the expense of a hotel and the thought of sleeping along side the road didn’t appeal from a safety stand point.

I was disappointed he didn’t call the evening I left for home or all day yesterday.  I miss him and I want to think he misses me too, but it’s hard to convince myself when his efforts are minimal.  I want him to enjoy his time with his friends, it’s both healthy and necessary, but I also want him to long to hear my voice at night before he slips off to sleep.

He hadn’t mentioned the work trip this coming week and I waited to ask until last night.  If he didn’t get final approval to go, I wanted to be free to make alternate plans.  He was approved, but his only comment was “we needed to work out the logistics”.  I thought those had already been decided based on his original message about the trip. He didn’t say more and I left the comment unanswered.

I don’t know when he’s driving back home.  I haven’t asked and he’s not offered.  He’s not very good about offering details unless I make a direct inquiry and I don’t want to appear needy so I often find myself in the dark.

His original plan was to leave home Sunday morning, pick me up, drive to Asheville and visit the Biltmore House, walk the grounds, tour the gardens and conservatory, then drive the rest of the way to Raleigh for the night.  His meeting is on Monday and I was going to lounge at the pool and spend the day enjoying myself until he got home that afternoon/evening.  We’d leave Tuesday morning, drive and stop along the way for fun, then come back to my place for the night.  He’d work from my place Wednesday.

I don’t know if that’s still the plan or if he’s changed his mind.  I won’t ask.  It needs to be his idea.  And it wouldn’t be the first time he says one thing and then something totally different happens.

I want to spend as much time with him as I can, but I’m starting to become dissatisfied with his evasiveness and lack of communication.  I know he talks to his wife every night.  He does that when he’s with me and she travels so I know it happens when he’s away.

He tells me he loves me and I have all of him that matters most, but I really don’t.  I have the bits and pieces he allows me to have.  I don’t know if that’s his capacity for relationships or if that’s merely his capacity for me, as his second.

I want to believe when he says it’s only a matter of time before his wife leaves.  I want to believe time is my friend.  I want to believe in my waiting, patiently and willingly, he’ll be mine free and clear from his encumbrance of his marriage.  I don’t know.  And I hate the unknown.

I know life if full of unknowns.  I’ve lived.  I understand.  But some things are more certain than others.  Some things are more important and worthwhile.  I want my relationship with him to have a goal, a plan, a destination.  I want him to feel the same.  I want him to want the same thing.  Again, I don’t know.  And I hate the unknown.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The life I wish I had with him

He’s not out of town on business – he’s out of town with two friends he sees twice a year.  They get together to camp, bike, and kayak.

The first time he went, not long after we started seeing each other, was in October.  I received a cryptic message from him saying he was “off on an adventure”.  I immediately jumped to the conclusion he was going somewhere with his wife.  I didn’t hear from him for several hours after the initial message and I had no reason to believe otherwise.  He’d never mentioned his bi-annual expeditions.

When he mentioned going to Jacksonville this week, the reason we weren’t going to be seeing each other and why he wanted to celebrate my birthday last week, he didn’t say why he was going and I had no idea that’s where they were meeting up.

Yesterday I received another “adventure” message.  Again, no reason to believe he was leaving Saturday for what I assumed was a business trip.  He messaged me several hours later to provide play-by-play, stop-by-stop accounts of his journey south.

Later he stopped and took pictures of himself and then of he and one of his buddies at the campsite.  He also sent a message saying I “must have forgotten about his March trip”.  Yes, he had mentioned in October he usually went twice a year and usually in March, but never again.  Why would I have assumed?

I don’t resent him going on his trip.  I think it’s great he has friends to do things with.  I think it’s vital in any relationship to have separate friendships for activities apart from each other.

I do wish he were more forthcoming with information or made more of an effort to make sure he has communicated with me.  I know his wife knew when and where he was going.  I also know he thinks he told me.  He didn’t.  Being in this kind of relationship, things fall through the cracks, unintentionally and inadvertently.

I wish he and I were in this alone.  No wife to confuse things.  No communication with a third person to muddy the water.  Only he and I.

If I don’t give him complete information, details of what I’m doing and where I’m going, he gets upset.  He says he worries about me.  He gets scared something could happen and he’d not know.  He feels this way because I live alone.  I’m by myself.

He tells me his marriage is worthless, inconsequential, a non-issue for me to be concerned with.  Yet she knows his whereabouts.  She knows his comings and goings.  He checks in with her and she checks in with him.

He does message me.  He did call me when he stopped for lunch while biking.  I really shouldn’t complain.  He tells me he cares, he tells me he loves me, he tells me I’m most important to him.  He tells me I have all of him that matters.

The part of him I want, in addition to the rest, is his time.  I want him to be who I come home to and I want to be who he comes home to.  I want to be his base, his center, his home!

 

 

 

 

 

It shouldn’t have to be this hard

I care for him and it hurts.  I can’t tell him I love him.  I have said it.  I feel it.  I know I do. But I can’t say it to him any more.  I won’t.  For now.  Even though he says it to me.  He whispers it in my ear when we cuddle in bed before drifting off to sleep.  He says it when we’re snuggling on the couch watching movies.  He says it when we’re getting off the phone.

I want to be able to tell him, but I’m afraid of allowing myself to be hurt.  I’m afraid of letting myself feel.  If I let him in, completely, I risk so much.  He’s married.  There doesn’t appear to be an end on the horizon.

He doesn’t like when I “spell out” the nature of our relationship.  It’s real and obvious, but he doesn’t like to think about us in that light.  He tells me I have his heart, his soul, his love.  Yet I don’t have his time.  We don’t share a home.

He’ll be out of town on business for my birthday.  We won’t be spending it together.  We won’t be spending any of next week together.  He’ll be away and then she’ll come home and he’ll have to stay there when he returns.

He has another business trip the following week.  Also when she’s away.  Our opportunity to spend time together, lost again.  He’s mentioned me going away with him on that trip.  Said he’ll pick me up on Sunday, spend the day with me before we continue to the hotel.  He has meetings on Monday, but we’d have the night together.  Then we’d spend time on the drive home, detouring, enjoying each other before we get back to my place and he spends the night and works from here Wednesday.

I want to believe he’ll follow through with the suggested plans.  But he’s made plans like this before and they’ve not happened.  And if he wanted me to go away with him, why not this upcoming trip?  What’s different?  Especially since it’s my birthday?

I’d love to be able to ask him.  To see what his answer would be.  What excuse would he use?  And why?  Maybe there would be a perfectly good explanation, but why wouldn’t he already know I’m wondering?  Is seeing me not as important to him as seeing him is to me?

Am I wasting my time in another relationship with a married man who has me fooled into believing he wants to have a future with me?

I want to believe what he says.  I want to believe I’m “the best thing that’s ever happened to him”.  I want to believe him when he tells me I feel like a “long lost girlfriend” coming back into his life after being missed for many years.

I want to share with him how important he is to me.  I want to tell him I have strong feelings for him.  I want to allow myself to love him.  But I’m afraid.  I did.  I told him I love him.  But after everything that’s happened, everything he’s told me, his interaction with his wife on the phone, his cooperation for the sake of “keeping the peace” rather than pushing her away, I can’t.

I have to protect myself.  I have to stay slightly distant.  I have to remember who I am – the affair.  And that’s not easy.  That’s not who I ever wanted to be.

 

Harder than I ever imagined

I find I’m having to convince myself almost daily that he and I will be okay, eventually.  We’ll have a relationship, we’ll date, we’ll no longer have to be constrained.  His wife will leave, they’ll file for divorce, and he’ll be free to see if there’s really something to what we have.

When we first met he told me their marriage was over in every sense, but the legalities.  He said it would “end by Christmas” and I believed him.  He talked about her alienation of family and friends and how the holidays always made things exponentially worse between them.

Only he didn’t tell me she took off over the holidays every year because of her seniority and that she was home, all the time.  He also didn’t tell me it would limit our time together because his excuses were harder to come up with and she required him to be home doing things for her around their home.

I didn’t understand their “trying” efforts were still happening and they would spend a portion of the holiday with others as a couple.

The holidays are past, 3 months past.  She returned to work at the beginning of the month, but they still spend the majority of the week together at home.  She’s only gone Monday and Tuesday and returns on Wednesday.  I get 2 days out of 7, and those are even limited by his work demands and her chore demands.

When he is with me, she calls every night to check-in and I hear them talk, like a normal married couple.  He pretends he’s at home doing whatever it is she’s left for him to do.  He either comes over late so he can get his check list completed or he rushes home to make sure everything is in order before she returns.

It’s not the kind of “end” to a marriage I was led to believe.

I’m an affair.  Nothing more.  When he tells me he loves me, I feel he’s trying to keep me fooled into believing we still might have a chance at something beyond what we have right now.

What I heard him say last night, when I asked him about their “normalcy” was they don’t fight every time they talk, they do have regular interaction, and our relationship still has a long time before we’ll know if there’s potentially more for us, if and when their marriage ends.

In other words, I’m wasting my time and being played.

I want to send him a message and explain how I feel.  I want to tell him I need a break.  I want to remain his friend – what he said he was looking for when he found me – and put a stop to our affair until he decides what he plans to do with his marriage.

But I’m afraid!  If I do, I risk losing him completely.  Is that a risk I’m willing to take?  Am I prepared to never get the chance to see him, talk to him, spend time with him again?  And if that happens because I’m honest and tell him how I feel, is it really worth keeping him in the first place?

What I’m most afraid of is having my suspicions confirmed and finding out I am just an affair and he’s been playing me skillfully from the start.

Don’t push me or I run

I had a plan for today – things I wanted to do and things I wanted to get done.  I stayed up late last night, knowing I didn’t need to set an alarm this morning.  I slept in later this morning, knowing I wasn’t on a schedule other than my own.

He sent me a good morning message then proceeded to tell me all the things I needed to accomplish today.  As if he has the right to make my schedule and instruct me to follow it. When I told him I appreciated his detailed outline of my to-do list, sarcastically, and that I had already made my plans for the day, he explained as my “best friend” he was going to keep encouraging me and supporting me.

The real matter of issue is a 10 x 10 storage unit I have packed from front to back, floor to ceiling. I had 2 units at one point, but when I moved out of a one bedroom, postage stamp apartment into my current 2 bedroom, 2 bath home the movers helped me get furniture out of the second unit and consolidate into 1.

It saved me $50.00 a month, but being men they didn’t see a need for organization and crammed things in as quickly and haphazardly as they could.  Now I can’t get in to access anything I once was able to reach without any effort whatsoever.

I know there’s lots in the unit I don’t need to keep.  I also know I need to eliminate the monthly fee for the unit rental.  But emptying it is going to be a monumental task and one I’m not anxious to tackle.  Plus it’ll take time to go through what’s to be thrown out, what’s to have pictures taken and be sold on local yard sale sites, and what’s to be kept and where to put it once I make the decision.

Additionally, there’s quite a bit of personal memorabilia from my past marriages I’ll need to emotionally navigate through.  Another reason I’m postponing the inevitable.

I tried explaining to him my need to work at my own pace.  I further said I would work on it next week when he’s gone on his business trip and my birthday celebration trip was cancelled.  It would provide a minimal amount of distraction and give me dedicated time to really knock it out.

He wouldn’t listen.  In his mind, his offer to help haul boxes out of the unit to my back porch was a benefit to me.  No matter what I said or how I tried to explain I didn’t want to do it today, he kept pushing.  To the point I finally said I’d do it, but in committing to work on the unit today would mean I’d have to cancel our plans this evening and tomorrow evening as well.

That upset him.  He could reconcile his desire to “help” with my knowing it’s a much larger job than he can ever wrap his mind around without first going and seeing what I’ll be dealing with.

He finished a business call – he works from home in the computer support industry – and then called me.  He was raring for a fight and I wasn’t taking the bait.  All of the women in his life are or have been easy to anger and his current wife to the point of threats and fear on his part.

I’ve told him before I’m simply not like that.  I decided a long time ago life was too short to have so much stress and friction.  And the older I get, the more I’m not willing to be involved in any type of relationship where I have to deal with it.  I want to be happy, enjoy life, take things less seriously, and find someone who feels the same.

Life has enough stress we’re forced to face, it’s not worth creating extra.  And love is about comfort and ease.  I don’t want to be with someone in an intimate relationship where I have to constantly be on guard or worry about what I say or do upsetting them.

I know learning a new personality isn’t easy.  I also know you resort to what you’re most familiar with when you’re under pressure.  Not only am I navigating this unusual relationship I’ve chosen to be in, he’s also navigating his current wife and their situation as well as what he and I have.

Yes, he could make the decision to end what he knows is over and has been for a long time, but he’s still trying to get her to willingly leave so he’ll be better off financially.  I try to understand his reasoning.  I try.  But I’m becoming less compassionate and more frustrated as time passes and I learn how he’s doing his part to maintain the “peace keeping” efforts he’s managed for so long.

He accused me of not wanting to see him at all this week and said if we’re going to wait “two weeks” – this week while I work at the storage unit and next week while he’s out of town – we may as well just not see each other again.

I was taken aback!  I told him that’s not what I’d said and I’d only cancelled our plans for this week when he kept pushing and pushing for me to work on the unit, without regard to what I’d said over and over about waiting.  He wasn’t interested in being reasonable or hearing what I was saying.

In his mind, I was done and no longer wanted to spend time with him.  I changed our plans and that upset him.  His changing our plans last minute is a totally different thing and I’m expected to understand and accept it.  Besides, I didn’t want to change our plans, but couldn’t make him stop pushing me.  That was my only recourse.

I let him vent, get what he wanted to say out, then explained my feelings and how difficult it was going to be for me to go through all the memories and do it in front of anyone, especially him.

Finally, after telling him if he wanted to be finished with us there was nothing I could do and him saying it was my idea – from his selfish point of view – I was able to get him to stop for a few minutes and hear me, really hear me.  I got through, I think.  I’ll know tonight.

He decided to accept my desire to not work at the unit, have him come over like planned, and discontinue the stubborn disagreement he kept allowing to fester.

I’m not really looking forward to seeing him tonight.  I’m still hurt by his words and actions.  I’m concerned this is a sign of things to come and this relationship is still in it’s infancy.  I don’t want to think he’ll never be able to accept my differences and trust I’m not like the women in his past.

Being involved with a married man is exceptionally hard no matter what, but with the hurt he’s faced and is still facing and refusing to end creates a path I’m not quite sure I’m up for traveling.  New love and passion can only take me so far.  I need mature love and devotion coupled with compromise and acceptance.

Next week while he’s out of town, I have lots to think about.  Actually it’ll begin this week when his wife gets back from working out of town and our ability to spend time together vanishes.

And the outcome may be far from what I envisioned at the beginning of this journey.

 

Keeping Tabs, unconsciously

Yesterday I needed to get out of the house.  I needed to enjoy the sunshine that broke a little after noon.  We’d had heavy rain all night that lasted into the morning and I was pleasantly surprised by the sun and clear skies almost immediately following the last big shower.

I decided to drive to a favorite place of mine north of where I live that was having it’s opening weekend.  They’d started construction over the winter and unfortunately, still weren’t finished.  I ate lunch, inside rather than outside where I’d hoped, and didn’t hang out as long as I normally would have.

While I was there I had a phone call from a friend and was invited to dinner.  I went home, freshened up, and then left to meet them.

I knew he had a “chores” list from his wife to work on and when he’s focused on doing things around the house, he often gets wrapped up and doesn’t respond timely.  I didn’t think my not messaging him would be noticed or missed.

I was mistaken!  He became very worried when he didn’t hear from me and I didn’t respond to his messages.

I was out, enjoying myself, listening to music, having a good time with the people around me.  I couldn’t hear my phone and didn’t bother checking it.  I did see a missed call at one point from him, but knew I wouldn’t have been able to hear unless I went outside and honestly, he was at home, with his wife, regardless of the state of their relationship, and they were in the house together.

I had a great time last night!  The whole day was nice.  Until I got home and dealt with his phone messages.  He was extremely worried, then became angry, and was unwilling to simply realize I needed a night away…from everything.

I’ve tried to explain, during past discussions/disagreements, how he has his wife at home, no matter they don’t talk or have a relationship like husband and wife in the most basic sense.  I on the other hand, live alone and have no one to talk to, spend time with, or even be around.

He wants me to think of him as a “traveling salesman”, an “over the road trucker”, anyone who travels for business.  He thinks I’ll feel better about not getting to spend more time with him, regular time with him.  Can he be any more clueless?

I don’t want to share him with his wife.  I don’t want him to be content with keeping the peace.  I don’t want to only get to see him hit or miss when he’s not otherwise engaged.

I just found out he has a business trip next week, the week of my birthday – my 50th birthday!  He’s acting like I must have forgotten about this trip, but he never mentioned it. I was planning on taking a vacation for my birthday, before I lost my job, but now won’t be able to afford it with the unknown of my next job.  I’m certain he never mentioned it because it really wouldn’t matter if I were going to be out of town any way.

He brought it up after telling me he has a business trip both at the beginning and the end of May.  You’d think he would ask if I’d like to come with, since he’ll have the hotel room anyway, and I’m not working.  Makes me wonder if perhaps she’s going or meeting him there.

I don’t like thinking like that.  I also don’t like things the way they’re going.

 

 

 

When Major Life Events Happen…and I’m essentially alone

Yesterday, unexpectedly, I was let go by my supervisor.

The hospital I’ve worked for is being taken over because of mismanagement and financial collapse so all of administration is panicked over the potential loss of their jobs.  In almost all of these take overs, administration is the first to go because of their failure to perform and prevent the collapse.  The new owner brings their own administrative support team in to implement change and move forward in a positive manner.

My direct supervisor knows I have at least 10 more years of experience than she has and I’d taken my current, or previous as of today, position in order to get back into the healthcare field following my divorce and 8 year sabbatical from working.

Living in a very small town, healthcare management positions are extremely limited and I didn’t want to move closer to a large city, 2+hours away.  The trade off of remaining in a small town meant a much lower income level and my being employed in an under-qualified role.

Over the last month or so, things had become extremely uncomfortable and my supervisor had started interjecting herself in local, onsite matters she’d never been involved in before and wasn’t expected or supposed to as a general rule.  The areas she was supposed to assist in, she wasn’t.  The support she was supposed to be providing, she also wasn’t.

I’d been applying for jobs for several weeks hoping to get out and away from the increased stress, but hadn’t been very determined or aggressive.  Now the urgency has increased and I’m now more incentivized then ever to find a new job.

My 50th birthday is at the end of this month and I had 10 days of vacation planned to celebrate.  I found out my accrued time off has been forfeited with my termination and finances will prevent a celebration like I’d planned, but I’ll still plan on doing something.

I contacted him when it happened and he actually said he’d anticipated it.  I told him I wished he’d said something to me because I was caught completely off guard.  His thoughts were due to the increased stress I’d been under, the rapid and escalated change in her behavior, and her response to my recent email about my concerns over my security and position with the hospital.

He was concerned about me, but recommended I take some time off and regroup.  He also recommended I enjoy life for a while.

I filed an unemployment claim and it was accepted.  I’m also, on his recommendation, going to talk with an EEOC attorney and see if I have a case given the hostile work environment I’d been experiencing and my unjust termination without prior write-ups, warnings, or disciplinary action.  It’s a definite consideration.

My ex had delivered our washer and dryer to my office when our divorce was final and I was awarded them by the judge.  I forgot when I cleaned out my office that I needed to also get them in the empty spare suite next to my office.

I contact security and was able to get them to open the suite for me last night.  A girlfriend from the office brought her truck and helped me get them loaded.  I wasn’t about to let them go and I certainly can use the money from selling them since I already have one where I live.

The security guard, thankfully, was willing to help us load them, but getting them unloaded is going to be a challenge.  I’m going to rent an appliance dolly and she’s going to bring them to my house.  He volunteered to be here first thing in the morning to help.

His wife is in town and has a list of things for him to accomplish tomorrow, which bothers me more than you can know that he’s willing to oblige her, so he’s only available early before he gets wrapped up in doing her bidding.

I may or may not accept his help.  I’m not sure.  I like the thought of accomplishing it on my own and am unhappy about his current “wife duty” assignment.  I love seeing him if only for a short time, but I also know I’m irritated and don’t want him to feel the undercurrent.

He’s providing moral support, ideas, information, but he’s not available to be here, present, alongside me.  It’s a difficult relationship and it’s even more difficult to overcome the hurdles without a companion I can really count on.

Why can his wife not simply go away?  Why can’t he tell her to move out?  Why am I not enough for him to want to force the necessary change so we can be together more often, in a real relationship, to see if what we share is long lasting?

 

 

 

 

The Struggles of Living Single in an Affair

I didn’t sleep well last night.  As a result, I decided to get ready for work earlier than normal.  I’ve been involved in an improvement event at work and not able to complete my normal duties so the thought of getting in early before I needed to report for day 3 of the event and doing what little catch up I could get to was appealing.

Best laid plans!  I gathered my things, locked the house up behind me, got in my car and turned the key…click, click, click.  The battery wouldn’t turn over and my car wouldn’t start.  I tried a second time…nothing!  Now what?

I sent a text message go one of my employees, another to a peer in the leadership team, and a third to him.

I heard back from him right away.  He called and was willing to get dressed and come take me to work.  This was a sacrifice since he works from home and lives 45 minutes away.  I know he’d already keyed up his computers and was busy starting his day yet he was willing to drop everything to come help me.

While I was on the phone explaining to him I’d sent out other messages, I received a return text from my peer and she was willing to come give me a ride to work.  I thanked him for offering, but I told him to get back to work and not worry about me.

He was disappointed I’d not allowed him to help, but I knew he was behind at work and used that as part of his excuse for not seeing me last night.  I didn’t want to inconvenience him and that offended him.  Plus I’d told him how my being single, alone, and had no one to count on was upsetting.

He didn’t like that I “don’t appreciate my singleness”.  He said he was “envious of my freedom” and wished he were able to enjoy that same freedom.  Really?  He’s married, having an affair with me, and wishes he had freedom?  And he wants me to embrace my freedom and single lifestyle?

He doesn’t understand how much he means to me and how much I would give to be in a real relationship with him.  He doesn’t understand that since we’re NOT in a real relationship, outside of the affair which he detests my referring to it as such, and I don’t have someone I can truly count on to drop everything, I feel lost and alone when things like this happen.

I love him.  He tells me he loves me.  I believe him.  But I also know he won’t leave his wife or tell her to leave because he fears her anger and retaliation.  He keeps telling me it’s closer to coming to a conclusion, but I think that’s wishful thinking on his part.

When we first met and started connecting, he told me he felt it would end by the holidays.  That time came and went.  And she’s still there.

I wonder sometimes if I’d be better off if I ended things with him and tried to find someone single and available.  But I’d miss him too much and it would be impossible to find someone I cared about as much as I do him.  He’s the bar I’d measure everyone else to and those I’ve met along the way, before he and I became “exclusive”, didn’t come anywhere near him.

So for now, I remain committed to him and dealing with the trials of living alone, working out the problems I encounter, and making the best of this difficult road we’re traveling.

 

 

 

 

Getting used to last minute plan changes

Tonight we were supposed to get together again.  This was her second night away from home, her second week back to work.  And he cancelled.  On my way home from work.  I’ve had an exceptionally hard day at work on the tail of two weeks of really bad days.  I was looking forward to spending an evening with him rather than another lonely night at home.

The weather has been cold today and we’ve had snow flurries off and on all afternoon, but it hasn’t accumulated and the roads are clear.  He has deadlines and projects at work he needs to get caught up on as well as presentations to perfect and complete, but his work is always hectic and he’s never able to get caught up without having several other projects handed to him.

He explained his work and safety – the weather – as his reason for us not seeing each other tonight.  He’s asked me to forgive him.  I do, of course, but am still disappointed.  I counted on seeing him and forgetting about my day for a little while.

His wife comes back home tomorrow night, he bowls with a league on Thursdays, then the weekend arrives and we’ll definitely not see each other then.  Our next opportunity will be Monday of next week, but there’s no guarantee.

I want to be with him, but when these disappointments occur it makes me wonder if what I’m doing in this affair is worth the emotions I deal with.  When I imagine never seeing him again, those emotions are even more intense and my heart isn’t able to consider the option.

Waiting for his wife to decide, on her own, to leave the marriage and move out may take longer than I’m willing to wait.  And his “keeping the peace” makes her even less likely to want to leave.  She tells him what to do, how to do it, and when.  They have arguments, but he’s afraid to push her buttons too far because of her volatile reactive personality.

I worry about him being in the home with her there and knowing the stories he’s told me about her anger and outbursts.  Yet can’t reconcile his willingness to stay and take the risk.  Plus, living his life in a miserable, loveless marriage with someone he fears.

There are so many variables in a relationship like ours.  I either understand and accept there will be changes at the last minute or I decide I can and must end my affair with him to protect both of us from the pain of separation and change.

Weekends are not necessarily the hardest

His wife went back to work, finally, last week after having been off from before Thanksgiving.  She works every Monday, Tuesday, and returns home on Wednesday.  Our “new normal” is him spending time with me while she’s away.  Last Monday he spent the night and left the following morning after we’d made love again after my shower.  I had a meeting on Tuesday evening after work so we didn’t spend time together.

Tonight we met for dinner and then came back to my place.  We made love and then sat on the couch talking until she called to check in.

It bothers me to listen to their “normal” conversation, that of a husband and wife, following our time together in bed.  He explains it away as “keeping the peace”, but that only hurts worse.

If he’s unhappy in his marriage, why does he insist on “keeping the peace”?  How does he expect me to believe he wants a life with me when he’s unwilling to do anything to provoke her into leaving?  Why would she ever leave with his financial support and willingness to “keep the peace”?

Yes, they may not still share a bed and sex, but he won’t end things with her.  He claims he’s “trapped”.  I don’t understand that.  I had no means of support, hadn’t worked for 8 years, when I left my husband.  But things were broken between us and there was no way I was willing to remain in our loveless marriage.

Having the chance at a happy life, finding someone to love and who would love me back, was more important to me than remaining in the safety and comfort of the status quo we were existing in.

I want him to want me.  I want him to chose me.  I want him to love me enough to want the chance at a life with me.  But I can’t force that.  I don’t want to.  I want him freely and by choice.

Being apart is hard.  But being together and juggling the emotions of his interaction with his wife on the phone is even harder.