Indignation

He gave me his schedule…translation, her work schedule.  She’s taking off November 7th through Thanksgiving.  What does this mean to me?  It means we won’t be seeing each other for most of this month.

I misunderstood him at first.  I assumed he meant now through the end of the year or longer.  I said something about spending the holidays, plural, alone again.  He said a few weeks apart would do us good.  A break.  Really?

He said we could still see each other the 30th and 31st of October and the 6th of November.  Our final nights together before the break.

I already had planned to watch a football game on Monday the 30th.  My hometown team had a huge rivalry game and I wanted to watch.  I’d mentioned it to him previously, but he didn’t remember.  When I told him I had plans for the evening, he got upset.  He saw it as me making plans without him, on our evening together.

I said he never pays attention to what I say and he had no defense.  He admitted to likely not hearing me and at the very least, not remembering if he had.  He told me to have a good evening and said it was okay.  As it turns out, I was only able to watch until the half and he came over to meet me when I returned home.

We spent the night together.  I cooked dinner for us Tuesday evening and he spent that night as well.  We watched a movie and then went to bed.  It was a nice, normal evening at home.

Now he’s back to his “real” home routine.  His wife is home and he’s playing at his marriage.  I’m alone, but looking for someone to share the missing pieces of my time with.  Maybe even someone to move forward with and start new.

I’ve learned I can’t open up and be honest with him about my thoughts and feelings.  I know my place in his life is part time, temporary.  He wants his marriage to work.  Even though he tells me he’s only “keeping the peace” I know he’s never planning to end his marriage so he may as well admit to wanting it to improve.

He dislikes me saying such.  Pointing out the obvious.  He wants me to pretend things are different than they are.  And when we have our time together, he convinces himself we’re living the life we were meant to.  He wants me to think of him as a traveling salesman or the like.  That millions of others live exactly as we do and it’s acceptable.

He clarified his time limitation over the next few weeks as only in November.  He says furloughs in December have been denied so his wife will be back to work then.  But he did say January and February were traditionally the slow months and she may be off then as well.  Preparing me, laying the ground work.

With any luck, I’ll have found someone more permanent by the holidays.  Someone interested in a relationship with me and not married or attached to someone else.  I don’t want to share.  I want someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him.

If he can’t decide I’m his present and his future, without regard to his wife and her presence in his life, I can’t remain alone to wait for something that may never come about.

I want more.  I want him.  But if he’s not interested in being free, making the necessary changes, being mine then I can’t stay in a stand-still hoping, waiting, being alone while he plays at “family” with her.

Destination Unknown

Where I will end up or how I will arrive there, I have no idea, but I know I need to change the direction I’m headed and find a better way to get wherever it is I’m going.

I’m unclear about the feelings I have for him.  I think it’s love, based solely on how hard it is for me to sever ties with him and not feel like my heart is tearing in two.  Because when I think about telling him I want to remain friends and stop our affair, I feel almost certain our friendship will end and I’ll lose every trace of what I hoped would one day become mine.

I know he’s never going to be mine, when I force myself to separate the feelings I have for him and the reality of his revelation a few days ago.  He’s never going to leave his wife and he’s made things too easy for her so she’ll never leave the comfortable life she has staying married to him.

She can treat him however she pleases and he’ll put up a fight, for a while, then become remorseful and accept her token apology.  She’ll threaten, scream, yell, throw her tantrum, bitch at him about everything, and he’ll argue or walk away, but never leave or make her leave.

He says I’m his happiness, his place of refuge, his peace.  But it means absolutely nothing.  I’m his sexual partner.  I’m his release.  If I stop allowing him to have sex with me or I find someone else and tell him I’ve decided to have sex with that person, he’ll find someone new.  I’ll be cast aside like yesterday’s news.

Therefore, I need to move forward.  I need to make decisions for myself, without regard to him and his presence in my life.

I need strength.  I need a settled spirit about letting him go.  I need to remind myself I will not be his forever, ever.  I will be his affair, his sexual partner, his lover.

I need to put one step in front of the other and slowly, deliberately move forward.  I need to find the happiness I’m in need of, deserving of.

 

Resignation

He finally said it.  He admitted he is in no way capable of or willing to change his situation with his wife.  He said he was devastated when his first marriage ended, even though it was he who left.  He told me unless something absolutely horrible and unrecoverable happens, he’s going to remain married.

He explains our relationship as “one like millions of other people have”.  It’s an unconventional, alternative life style.  He says it meets those needs missing from our day-to-day lives.  The only problem is – he has the missing needs – sex.   I have an entire relationship missing.  A full time lover, friend, companion, partner.

I don’t ONLY want a 2 day a week fill-in.  I want a full time, every night beside me in bed full blown relationship.  Someone I can depend on, who I can be counted on to be there for.

Sex is hollow, vacant, lacking when it’s missing love.  Passion is what I want and passion is only present when true feelings co-exist.

I love him.  But I can’t be in love with him.  Any more.

I overheard him tell his wife he loves her.  I know it’s true.  He does love her.  If he didn’t, it would be much easier to end.  He wouldn’t be so upset when they fight and say ugly things to each other.

I tells me he loves me.  But when I hear it now, it makes me think he’s afraid of losing his sexual outlet.  His needs.  The needs I fill for him.  The needs she doesn’t.  He loves what he has with me and doesn’t want it to end.  So telling me what he thinks I want and need to hear is his safety net.

It’s time for me to continue searching for MY forever.  Or at least my right-for-now.  I don’t want to let life pass me by while he’s holding on to his marriage, his wife, his comfortable life.

Stagnation

Everything remains the same.  He has no intention of doing anything about his marriage.  He tells me he can’t handle going through a divorce.  With the pressures of his job and the added responsibility he has with his dad, he says he can’t survive a disruption in his personal life.

What that means to me is there’s no hope of us having anything more than the 2 days a week we get when she’s traveling for work.

My life has been a difficult journey the past 6 weeks or so.  I’ve met obstacles more challenging than I’ve had the strength to handle.  As a result, the happy, bubbly person he’s fond of and expects has been absent.  I’ve not had the power or desire to push forward and dig myself out of the pit.

My lease was up at my previous address.  I found a new place and was scheduled to move the first of October, but the new place wasn’t ready and I had to beg for an extension at the previous place as well as make changes to all the move plans I’d secured.  I was living in boxes for 2 weeks with no definite end in sight.

I was scheduled to start back to school to finish my degree, but with the move and all the disruption, I wasn’t able to secure internet and had to postpone until after the first of the year.

My job has become increasingly difficult.  The environment is unbearable.  In addition to working in close proximity to an individual who goes out of her way to be mean, I’m still not doing what I was told I’d been hired to do.  I’m working so far below my experience and skill set, I hate going in every day.

Add to all of that, my ex decided to cause me problems with our son and blame me for something I had nothing to do with.  He made a suggestion I took advantage of and then he regretted it after things were already put in motion and completed.  He tried to bully a change from me and when that wouldn’t work he became belligerent.  I ended up blocking him.

My spirit was broken and I crumbled under the stress.  Never have I felt so lost and alone.  I was ready to throw in the towel.  I didn’t want to take another step.  I didn’t even care if I continued to breath.  I didn’t have the energy to make decisions or even think.

He talked me through it, helped me pick up some of the pieces, offered his help in other ways.

I was finally able to move and get settled.  I found an internet company and had the installation.  I had a weekend after the move to play and relax.  I took a deep breath and made the decision to pick myself up and move forward.

As a result of my renewed spirit and plans to enjoy life, he became upset with me and felt I was moving on without him despite all his help and support during my lowest point.  Selfishly, although he was home with his wife doing things together as a couple, the fact I was out having fun with others made him angry.

He wants me to himself.  He doesn’t want me to find someone to share my time with.  He’s not available for me because he’s with his wife, but he doesn’t want me to be anywhere with anyone.  He says I need to focus on my certification exam, schooling, work, myself.  Translation…want and need him and that be enough.

Can I repeat selfish?!

I tried being open and honest with him about who I was with, what we were doing, where we were going.  I’ve found that is not a good thing.  He says he wants to know, but he gets upset knowing.  So I’ve decided it’s better to not share fully.  Besides, I have no idea if he’s being completely honest with me about his interactions and activities with his wife.

He has his time apart from me, I have my time apart from him, and we have our time together.  That’s the way it has to be.  Until I no longer want to be in the relationship he and I share.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life goes on

We continue to see each other two days a week, when she’s traveling for work.  I’ve tried dating.  A very difficult task at 50.  One I’m not inclined to continue.

I’ve mellowed in my desire for a life with him.  I’ve become settled with the fact he will remain married.  He’s chosen his comfortable life with her over happiness with me.  He’s chosen 2 days of brief bits of pleasure over spontaneity and pure joy.

More importantly, he’s chosen to chance losing me as his lover, his mistress, his friend.

 

 

 

Resolve

I wrote in my last blog one of two things could happen.  The one I hoped wouldn’t, has. His mom’s passing has made him complacent.  He’s content with allowing his marriage to stabilize.  He says he wouldn’t survive the turmoil of a divorce.  He needs things to remain the same.

That means I have no place in his life.  Or I shouldn’t.

He wants me to be there, waiting, when he has time and need.  But there’s no chance of us being more than lovers.  He’s not interested in changing anything.  She is to remain his wife, I’m to remain his mistress.

He says he needs me.  He said he truly believes I am his soul mate, the one he’s longed for his whole life.  He loves and cherishes me, but I will never be more because of his circumstances.

Well, he doesn’t say never.  He says for now.  I say never because I know unless she leaves of her own accord or blows up about the time he’s spending with his dad, he’ll never force her out or divorce her.

I told him he needs to release me to date other men.  I need to have a companion I can share my life with, just as he has his wife, regardless of the dysfunction of their marriage.  Which I really don’t know if what he’s said is entirely true or what he wants me to believe.

Either way, I’m going to start dating.  I want to find someone who wants me as much as I want him.  I want to be able to shift my desire for him to another.  I want to live and love and make a life for myself.

He’s the man I want and have wanted, but he’s not available.  I’ll not wait for him to change his status.  I don’t think it will ever happen.  And I can’t put my life on hold for “what if’s” no matter how much I love him.

 

 

Happiness ends in unexpected pain

I’m on vacation.  He’s on vacation.  No, we’re not together.  I’m traveling with my youngest son to my middle son’s.  He’s traveling with his wife to his hometown.  We both left our respective homes on Saturday to begin our journeys.

I picked up my son from his off-campus house when he got off work and we drove straight to South Florida.  We arrived at my middle son’s home a little after 11:00pm that night.

He drove bits and pieces, stopping for site-seeing and bike rides not arriving in Ohio until yesterday early evening.

We messaged back and forth every day, most of the day.  He sent me pictures and details of his adventures and I did the same.  His were things he was finding on his rides and mine were of my days at the beach.

A little after 9:00 pm last night, after exchanging funny little messages, I received a very upsetting message.  His mom died suddenly.  He was going to bed to leave early this morning to drive back home.  No warning, no illness.  She was alive and then she was gone.

She was his biggest champion, his biggest supporter.  She longed for him to be happy and feared for him in his marriage.  She was the recipient of many of his wife’s hateful tirades and she refused to come to his home when she was there.

He’d said many times how he knew his mom would love me, how he wanted me to meet her and his dad, but he was afraid to allow that to happen until his wife left or he left her.  He didn’t want them put in a position of not being able to defend him in court should his wife battle the divorce.

Now I’ll never have that opportunity!  He’s missed so many chances to spend time with her because of his wife and will no longer have the chance.

I’ve only heard from him, briefly, twice today.  First thing early this morning and once when they stopped to stretch their legs.  I know he’s rushing to get home and to his dad’s. I feel so bad for him!  I know his heart is breaking and mine is breaking for him and the great loss he’s experienced.

My mom was my very best friend and she passed away 4 years ago the 12th of this same month.  No matter how many years have passed, I will always miss her and feel the pain on every anniversary of her death as well as her birthday which was the 21st of this month.

Now he and I will share this month of painful memories.

I want to be able to wrap him in my arms, hold him and provide what little comfort I can.  But I’m the mistress.  I’m the one no one but him can know about.  And right now he’s surrounded by his real family.

I fear losing his mom will cause the fight to go out of him and he’ll decide to become more complacent about his wife and what’s wrong in their marriage.  He may even decide having the affair with me is no longer a risk he’s willing to take.

Or this may be the catalyst it takes to make him decide life is too short and unpredictable to live in a marriage less than he wants and deserves and he’ll decide to end it regardless of the financial cost.

Either way, I’m scared.  I’m afraid of losing him.  I’m upset because I can’t comfort him and be near him.  I’m sad because I’ll never get the chance to thank his mom for the amazing son she raised.  I’ll never get to show her, assure her, prove to her how important he is to me and how much I love him.

 

Sick of the Roller Coaster

I don’t know why I continue this relationship.  He’s obviously never going to end his marriage.  It’s more than money, I can’t help but believe.  He’s lying to me.  If things were so horribly wrong, there’s no way he would stay.

They watch movies at home together every weekend – he claims it’s “safe”, him on one couch, her on the other.  He attends family things with her – this past weekend they went to her father’s house to celebrate “birthdays, anniversaries, and Father’s Day” – their anniversary!  And then his older daughter’s family and they had a picnic at the lake. They attend events together – tonight at the local county race track with their Jeep Club. They’re going on vacation together – back to his hometown in Ohio to visit friends and family – she didn’t grown up there.

I was planning to go out tonight.  Looking for a date.  He asked what my plans were and I told him.  He got mad!  So I cancelled.  And then I find out he’s out with her.  I’m SO STUPID!

I’m blogging in hopes of preventing myself from having a knee-jerk reaction and sending him a heated message telling him we’re finished.

I use this to vent!  And vent is what I need to do right now!

He wants me to be exclusively his.  He wants me to “focus on my new job, getting my certification exam scheduled and taken, going back to school”.  He wants all of those things to fill my time.  Oh, and save time for him.  He wants to be my “man time” – no kidding, his words!

Arrogant ass!  It would crush him to know he’s not the best sex I’ve ever had.  I lie and tell him he is because of his ego.  He wants to be the man who pleases me better than any other so I tell him what he wants to hear.  He must need to hear it.  Couple that with the fact I fake orgasm!  He’d be devastated!

Who am I and how have I become this person?

The Chance to Celebrate his Life

Today is his birthday!  He turned 54.  I got to wake up next to him and be the first person to wish him happy birthday.

We spent Monday and Tuesday evenings together.  Our official celebration of his birthday was yesterday.  I took him to dinner, made dessert to have at my place after, and had his gift and cards waiting for him to open – I say cards because I found 2 I liked and couldn’t decide which so bought both.

He told me then and he told me again this morning I made his birthday the most special he’d ever had.  I don’t know for sure if that’s true, but I’ll believe him and be happy for us!

We’ve been together now 9 months.  It’s been a roller coaster of ups and downs.  When we first met, he was of the mind his marriage would end by the end of the year.  That didn’t happen.

He’s in an impossible situation.  Financially, she contributes nothing, but because they’re married she gets half of his assets which is a considerable amount.  And the reason the marriage is broken is because she’s violent and volatile.  She doesn’t want to be married, but she wants to get her “share”.

If he offered her a settlement to leave, she would, if the dollar amount was right.  He’s hoping she’ll leave of her own accord and for far less.

I’m waiting.  Hoping.

 

 

Learning to Find Satisfaction in Uncertainty

I knew we weren’t going to see each other this week.  He’d told me she was not working and he wouldn’t be able to get away.  I also knew he might be going to Canada for business.  He did.  He left yesterday afternoon.

He messaged in the morning and said he wasn’t sure about service internationally.  I hadn’t thought about the possibility.  I’d actually hoped we’d be able to chat in the evenings when he returned to his hotel room.

He contacted me on his way to the airport to inform me they’d provided him with a special code to use on his phone and computer for business purposes.  He’d try to message me when he was able in between meetings and work.

Although I had been prepared to have him go “dark” for the 3 days he’s gone, he’s been able to message some.  I was happy to hear from him.  I miss holding him in my arms, but it’s almost easier his being out of the country while she’s home and he wasn’t able to spend our normal days together.  At least he’s not at home with her.

There’s a possibility he’ll be able to come by and see me on his way back from the airport tomorrow.  I’m not sure when his flight gets in, but when I suggested the possibility, he said it was a very good idea.

His birthday is next Wednesday.  His parents have decided to not come up for dinner while she’s away for work.  They’ve decided to celebrate his birthday and Father’s Day on Sunday.  This means I’ll get him both nights, hopefully earlier rather than later. Work needs to cooperate and allow him to have my evenings free!  We have catching up to do!

Regardless of the interruptions, the uncertainties, the changes, I want him in my life.  I want to wait for our future.  I don’t know when that’s going to begin, when it will move forward without her, but I want to wait.  I want to remain satisfied with the bits and pieces we have together.

I don’t like hoping for their end, but I do.  I want her to leave, to decide life with him is no longer beneficial.  I want the money to not be her driving force.  I want her to decide the shallow, unfulfilling existence they live is no longer part of what she wants in her future. I want her to meet someone who has more money, more financial gain, who takes her away.

I want him, not his money.  I could care less if he still had it.  If it were all gone, if he had to give her half, it wouldn’t matter to me.  I want happiness, love, a life with him.  I want our future to begin.  I want to spend the rest of my days making him happy, loving him, spending time with him, enjoying our days, our nights, our forever.

I want to spend every second making love to the man I’ve grown to love more than anyone I’ve met before.  I want his body pressed against mine, every night.  I want to wake up looking into his sleeping face.  I want to kiss his relaxed lips.  I want to feel him stir beside me and make love again to start our day.